u/ohratsy

I realize that I’m being a bit of a media stereotype right now- sorry. But I have a part that is very, very into anarchist theory and praxis. I have so many books and zines on anarchism, etc. and I’ve tried to read them, but I can’t focus on them or really retain anything I read- but this part will buy them and read them and write essays.

They’re also highly politically active. I’ve been arrested at protests before, and for a while this part would work with Food Not Bombs.

In recent years, especially the last year, it’s like I can’t even comprehend what’s going on around me/in the world- I try to really think about it and my mind goes blank. But that part obsesses over it and follows the news religiously.

I don’t understand it, especially why I can’t even retain the theory that I read. It’s so weird to have this happen, and it makes me feel super guilty that I can’t. In the grand scheme of things I guess it’s not a huge problem, but it irks me that all of me can’t access that, or that it also leads me into dangerous situations. I’d rather always be an anarchist, and aware of what I’m doing and able to assess risk accurately and make informed decisions, or always be a casual leftist, and focus on what I can do on a community scale.

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone, or if this is a problem that’s unique to me. But any advice would be welcome.

I’m not who I was back then. That girl is long dead and gone- she died when she was 14, and I’m the shell of whatever she left over after she left. I put on a good show every day- I go to work, I hang out with friends, I garden- but there’s no real person behind any of it. I’m a leftover shard of something that should have disappeared over a decade ago.

I don’t know how to cope with being here. I don’t know how to cope with my dead past self still haunting me and taking me over, when she should be long gone. I don’t know how to deal with this disorder when it digs up ghosts that should stay buried.

Hi! My psychiatrist was out last week and I couldn’t sleep- I have bipolar I and was scared I was tipping into a manic episode, as I got 35 minutes of sleep spread out over 4 nights. The CNP that was covering wasn’t concerned and told me that avoiding screens at night and taking Benadryl should help (I have a prescription for hydroxyzine but she said Benadryl was stronger). I ended up going to the ER for emergency sleep meds, which finally knocked me out and let me sleep 8 hours.

I’m stable again, but wondering if that was an appropriate response on the part of the CNP? She knew I have bipolar disorder and specifically told me there was no need to be concerned or go to the ER, but when I contacted urgent care they told me to go, and my therapist said I did the right thing.

Just very torn about it and whether I overreacted or the CNP was wrong. Would love to get some opinions.

When I was in middle school I was in an extremely traumatic situation, and something happened back then that I perceived as an “angel” taking over and possessing me while I floated somewhere behind my head, watching my body. I thought my whole life that the “angel” was psychosis or me losing my mind, but I told someone (my therapist) about it for the first time, and she said it was dissociative and was a manifestation of my DID even back then.

I don’t know what to think. I’ve been carrying this secret for so long assuming it was proof I had gone crazy, but it’s all part of the same disorder. It’s making me question everything.

I’m so confused by what’s going on in my head. Over the past decade, I’ve been on an extended quest to make my body feel inhabitable- I’m on low-dose hormones, got top surgery, and am trying to get a hysterectomy. I feel like existing in my body right now is genuinely body horror, and basically in order to make it livable I have to make changes.

But I don’t think I’m trans? I just wish I had been born a boy, and honestly can get really bitter and sad about it. I will never be able to look how I want to look, which is pretty crushing, and even though I’m (I guess) transitioning, it’s like there’s no end point I’m moving towards because it’s all just trying to make changes that make me feel better and make my body inhabitable.

It’s not that I don’t want to be trans, I just don’t know if I am. I want to be a boy so badly, and no matter how many changes I make I’ll never have the same experience my brother does or did as a kid. I just want people to look at me and not think I’m a woman, and not assume. But I don’t want to be a trans man, I just want to be a cis man and to have lived life that way.

I guess writing it out that sounds pretty trans. I just feel super complicated about it- it’s one thing to be medically transitioning as relief from an inhospitable body, and another to be doing it because of gender.

Side note while I’m here- STP/prosthetic recommendations? They’re all so expensive and I don’t want to waste money on one that isn’t good. I’ve been obsessed with Emisil but they’re insanely pricey.

I don’t know why this keeps happening. The person I’m supposed to be can do everything, they can be adult and do work and be calm. They say I should be dead and gone, but I’m still here and I don’t know why. Everyone wants me to go away but I can’t manage to do it.

I’m only 14 and most of the time I’m so messed up I can’t even remember the year or how old I’m supposed to be. I can be ok and kind of normal around a few people at once but then I implode as soon as I’m on my own.

Usually I’m just myself for a little bit but there have been a few times I’ve been stuck that way for months. It’s awful. I mess everything up.

How do I stop being me? I want to get the chance to attend group and then therapy tomorrow even if it’s embarrassing but after that I want to make sure I leave. So any tips would be appreciated.

Sorry if this didn’t make sense. I am not proofreading.

Hi all!

I have been considering starting to wear tzitzit and my yarmulke on Shabbos. Would it be weird to only wear them then? To me, it’s another way of making Shabbos special and holy, and setting it apart from other times. I got my yarmulke from family at my bat mitzvah and I really love it and love wearing it, and study parsha on Fridays and would like to do something else to set that time aside.

I know typically people wear both every day- would it be wrong or offensive to only wear them during a specific time period? I have always found Shabbos to be deeply meaningful and feel as though this is another way to make it special to me.

Thoughts? My dad thinks it’s a great idea and that it would be meaningful for the same reasons I do. I would consider wearing both every day in the future depending on whether I find it personally meaningful to me every day- I hesitate to do things just because it’s a commandment without understanding and feeling the meaning behind it. I also don’t typically wear four-cornered garments daily, so there’s no obligation to typically wear them, correct?

Anyways, would love opinions.

I think I’m losing my mind. I think I’m going insane.

People keep saying I have DID. My therapist is one of the top DID psychologists in the country, and she says I have it. She keeps trying to make me do parts work. None of this feels like I have multiple personalities. It feels like I’m less than a person, like a shard of something. It feels like I’m only the latest in a series of failed attempt attempts to be someone. Like every time something catastrophic happens I die and something new is born from the ashes.

I don’t hear voices in my head, I don’t see visions of other parts, I just get intrusive flashbacks and memories I want no knowledge of or interaction with. I thought the past versions of myself were dead. I thought they were gone. They should be gone.

Everyone keeps saying to be open and build communication and not hate my “parts”, but I can’t help but hate them. They’re a symptom of a disorder I don’t even entirely believe can be real.

I just started going to a psychoeducation group for people with DID and other trauma based dissociative disorders. It’s pointless, because I don’t even remember the group.

This whole thing is such a horrible joke and I’m not laughing.