u/okaymyemye

i live in a small town, which probably makes everything way safer (or does it?) and i just look around and nothing seems dangerous. we have a river with a strong current but that's about it. no tall buildings. where's the danger here? we have a hydro dam, i guess that could be dangerous too. i'm sure there are places you don't want to be at night where you could easily be assaulted too but i'm thinking more environmental dangers. escalators and shit, public stuff that's designed for use but also somehow dangerous if malfunctioning or accessed in an unsafe way.

i read crime and punishment a long time ago. it didn't all land for me because it was a challenging read and i wasn't really determined. i did read it though and do remember what i think are the important parts and key concepts. raskolnikov, after the murder, mopes around his apartment in a fugue state for a while. i woke up this morning not having murdered anyone but i also wasn't with it. bizarre half asleep thoughts, thinking i had to do things that didn't make sense. i didn't sleep well last night. i want a nap today. i want to feel right.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!! just fucking kill me.

if i could write to him, it would be to beg for help. help me i broke apart my insides, help me i have no soul to sell, help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself. i don't understand what's wrong with me. i don't know how i got so fucked up so fast. i don't understand the psychic damage i've suffered and how it's destroying me. i can't make sense of anything or the way i feel. i've lost it. i don't still think of him, he's got nothing to do with this. i do think he could help me but i'll never talk to him. i walked today for hours without a thought in my head except escaping. just the overwhelming urge to escape. run away. get out of here. i feel like my mind and soul are being torn apart, set on fire and electrocuted every minute of the day. it's unbearable. i'm desperate. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i tried to study at the library today and it just seems laughable and pointless. i'm on the verge of just going into the woods to die and i'm trying to understand how conditional orders work and calculate a flow rate i've never seen before and don't understand. i'm a joke, i'm a giant clown at work. i've only been there a week and already i've taken temporary disability. i've admitted to mental health problems, which is an automatic death sentence on the job. i'm being buried alive. if someone handed me a loaded gun, i'd be off this planet.

i feel like i'm being taken down slowly, minute by agonizing minute. i went to the grocery store with my mom, but my head was in this alternate dimension of pain and i was walking dead seeing nothing, absorbing nothing, panicked and avoidant. in blocking out the world and reflecting my own negative thoughts and fears back towards myself, i did vaguely notice someone who looked maybe slightly out of place in a baseball hat and long hair. this person i could so easily have walked by, and did, is a special person, a lovely person and someone i've hoped to see again for the better part of a year. this was my old professor from nursing school and god i miss the way he made me feel as his student. after the year i had him, losing him as a teacher was heartbreaking. he was the mr. bergstrom to my lisa simpson. he was a beacon of light. so, of course, i walked right by him. it was only on a second pass that he said something to me. i, again, walked right by him not thinking it was me he was talking to. suddenly, though, the voice dawned on me.

i apologized for having ignored him, almost not believing that finally i'd seen him again after all this time. when he asked me how things were i tried to say 'good' but he asked again and i finally admitted 'not great' or 'well...' or along those lines. if we were in a vacuum, i'd have told him everything like how i worry i've been completely destroyed and will never live a normal or good life and am slowly losing everything. i actually sort of wish i'd said that because even though it wouldn't have accomplished anything i don't think he'd have judged me for it. instead i just said i'd 'run into some issues' after graduation. in the smallest voice, he said 'sometimes this is an opportunity for personal growth'. i feel close to destruction and death, not personal growth, but i just went with 'hopefully'. because i'd asked other students after him, i knew he'd been off for a while himself. someone i talked to said he'd had some sort of nerve damage in his arm, wasn't able to lift it at one point. i mentioned i'd heard he'd been off and he replied he had 'this thing with my neck'. 'you and me we're in this together now' from a nin song blared in my head for a minute but i know we're not. i'm in my own hell, he's dealing with his neck. still, i felt a moment of solidarity in suffering.

i miss him. i miss feeling good about myself.

i woke up this morning to my alarm at 7:00. i was sort of surprised because i'm usually up before that, maybe 6:30, even though i've been laying around in bed until maybe 8:30 because i have the time off. work called around 8:00 and even though i'd been up for a while, i still had that early morning voice and they apologized for waking me up. it always sounds like a lie to say 'no, no, i was up', which is what i did and i don't think i was believed. i have my orientation schedule. two days, two evenings and then a few days later two nights.

i enjoyed a lazy morning, i won't have many left soon. i watched a playthrough of resident evil 2. it occurs to me i'm not going to be doing therapy anymore once i'm working my two jobs. i won't have time for it and, to be honest, i never got much from my therapy sessions. this is public health care, therapy involves 'it's very brave you said that' 'tell me more about why you feel that way' 'what have you done in the past to cope when you were having these feelings'. it's incredibly generic talk that has very little therapeutic value. this isn't psychoanalysis or deep conversation, this is 'how can you get from point a to point b' and i feel like i'm at point b. the meds and my actual doctor, yes, obviously still making time for that but therapy is, sorry to say, pretty bullshit and i'm not wasting my time on sessions.

i made rice after the dog walk and i have a driving lesson with my dad this afternoon. i have a notebook i'm making for work with templates for things that i think might happen. i have 'cheat sheets' for what to do in a fall or if someone is hypoglycemic, based on company policy where i work. i have a few other scenarios i'd like to prepare for but i'm not sure exactly what they are. maybe a wound care template or something to do with skin breakdown. i've watched a lot of youtube channels about working long term care and none of them scratch the itch. none give the details i feel i need and, when i'm better at the job and know what i'm doing, i'd like to start a youtube channel about working LTC in canada. that's another thing, a lot of these channels are american and things aren't all the same.

when i'm not tired, i just worry.

after a full 8 months without work or school, i've finally started a real job (it's not my fault, i was crazy and needed to get licensed). i didn't chose this and i didn't particularly enjoy my time unemployed, but work is a lot of work and i'm now going to be exhausted all the time. i have my clinical orientation next week and i'm fully going to be braindead on day two. i have no illusions, i've gotten really out of shape with all this time off and with my fluctuating mental health. it's not the greatest place to be starting from, even though i am at least rested. i have a second job, too and that one starts next month. it pays better.

i went with my mom on a shopping trip today. i picked up some delicious looking rum balls from a european deli and specialty shop to bring to work. one for each day of orientation. it'll make it just a bit more livable and humane.

i haven't been exhausted in a long time and i'm planning for it. i have canned soups, i'm going to get some frozen pierogies and bread for sandwiches. convenience. i might make some shrimp korma and rice this weekend if i really want something nice for myself after work for a couple of days. i have pyjamas washed and lined up for wearing. right to bed.

i drove today for the second time and it didn't feel great. it wasn't awful, i wasn't white knuckling the entire time but i'm definitely not confident and freaked out a bit. i haven't been having the same levels of anxiety the past few weeks that i've had since winter and i think it's because i've gotten things started in the right direction away from the disaster i was headed towards and already in. still, i don't feel great. my orientation at work is the 27th but i have to wait until my VSC clears before i get my real start date. it's killing me not knowing what i'm going to have to do on the daily. i did do my placement at this nursing home and spent about a month shadowing a nurse on the floor, but i didn't do the entire job and was basically in the role of assistant. being the nurse is a disconcerting idea. passing meds and the paperwork, i'm not confident about anything. i've lost so much confidence and personality these past months. i don't feel myself.

i went with my mom to buy flowers, which was pleasant. it was a good day, i should feel good about it but i'm just numb and fearful and critical and desperate so nothing is really good even when it is. i think this feeling will go away as i work on my life, which needs a lot of work. we don't garden so much in the yard as we do in pots. weeding isn't a hobby here and pots are easier to maintain. my mom brought with her a list of flowers that cascade so that the planters will have overflow. 'we're looking for those hangy-over flowers'. there was a silky chicken in a cage at this garden center and i don't think it was for sale but i'm not sure why it was there.

i went for a walk over at the track after dinner and after taking the dog around the block. my crows are there for peanuts. i used to jog when i fed them but i just haven't had the energy. as soon as i start jogging, i just get immediately tired. i'd like to try for the next week to jog just a little bit in the evening. just a mile before taking a shower and going to bed. i'd like to start losing weight again. i'm back to where i was before the hospital but that's still not great. i want to feel the drive. i wish i felt driven like i did when i was a student but i don't have that drive right now. i'm too fearful or hesitant or distant. i just don't have that feeling i used to get when i jogged. i want to get into it and feel something. some passion, some confidence, some connection, some fight.

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it's been hell since the hospital. it's still not great and won't be until i'm back strong at work but i got an offer of employment at a long term care facility as an RPN (my designation) so i can now start clawing my way back to being strong and competent at something. it's not a great job but i need to get good at it and it should be fine. i need to watch my ass and not make mistakes but at least now i won't feel like i have to kill myself. i've felt like i had to. things have been that hopeless. i've been along the train tracks, i know where to connect with a train in an area it would likely be going full speed. that's been my plan. it's my most viable option in terms of efficacy and accessibility. my deadline was september 15. i'm still fucked, i still have a long way to go but having this job should keep me away from the train tracks.

the world is on fire, the game is over and i lost. i wish i could go completely to ground and just live under a bridge but there are a lot of reasons that wouldn't work. i'd probably be robbed of everything, killed or just die and i need pills or i'll go literally raving mad. i mean, that sort of works if you live under a bridge but i would like a slightly better life than that. at the same time, i hate the feeling of the mismatch between where i believe i should be (at ground or underground) and where i am (at home). i feel like it's such a lie. everything feels like a lie. i need something real, i need something true.

what happened in the past 20 years? nothing? how is that real or true? something must have happened, even if it's not what i think it was. all swept under the rug.