Feedback Request: Critica (Flash Fiction)
(Hi, there! I'm looking for feedback on one of my flash fiction horror pieces and was hoping some of you fine folks could help me out, if you would like! I'm specifically looking for feedback regarding the pacing, structure, and word choice [Does anything sound off? Is anything confusing or worded weird? Stuff like that!], but I'm also open to any feedback at all! Thank you for reading and giving feedback if you do, and thank you for reading it even if you don't give feedback! Thank you all very much, I appreciate you and this sub.)
“So,” he said, wrapping his arm around the man’s shoulder, “what do you think?”
The man said nothing.
The wires creaked as they swayed. His irises followed, fixated on the art piece they held.
The man’s mouth opened, but no words came out. When he finally managed to dislodge them, they were a soft murmur.
“It… It’s…”
The android cocked his head to the side. Dry mechanisms in his neck squeaked. His silicone digits thrummed against the man’s shoulder.
The art piece’s teeth clacked together. The man flinched.
“It’s… Uh…”
Leaning closer, the android tilted his audio processor towards the man’s flushed face. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.
The man glanced at the android for a single moment, before averting his gaze altogether.
“Uh…”
The art piece’s teeth clacked together again, twice. It caught the android’s attention, and he turned to face it.
The stumps of its legs kicked as it swung.
With its back arched, the crown of its bald head hung towards the ground. A wrinkled veil of skin was sewn over its eyes and nose, stopping just before its lipless mouth. The stitching dug into its gums. Saliva flung to the ground as it gnashed its plaque-ridden teeth.
He could hear the man’s low, shallow breathing. The shrillness grated in his audio processors.
Broken ribs stuck out from its open abdominal cavity like a fence of white spikes. The wet mass of organs wriggled and pumped in the light. Hooks, connected from those thick hanging wires, pierced through its sides. Their pointed ends protruded out from the skin, caked in dry blood that looked almost like rust.
The android looked back at the man.
His eyes were shut tight now, as if trying to block out the room around him.
The android quit thrumming. His digits dug into the firm muscle of his shoulder.
“It’s what?”
The man forced his eyelids open, exhaling hard. His gaze drifted down to the android’s other hand, the arm draped over the metal plating of his knee.
In it, the android held an old pair of pliers. The android clicked its jaws together.
Prying his eyes from the stained metal, his teeth pressed together as he inhaled through them.
The art piece’s stumps shimmied in the air as it opened its mouth. Scratchy gurgles bubbles up from within its scarred throat.
“It’s…” The word wavered. He swallowed. “It’s…”
“You don’t like it.”
The man’s face snapped in his direction. His eyes grew wide.
“No!” He blurted out, jolting forward. His moistened palms slammed against the metal between the android’s neck and shoulder joints. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and his voice cracked. “No, I like it-”
“No, no,” the android interrupted. “You don’t like it."
The man shook the android. Internal parts rattled in his chassis.
“That’s not true!” He wailed. “I like it! I do! It’s just-”
The android let go of the man’s shoulder to clutch his jaw instead.
The man stilled.
Pressing the digits into the center of the man’s wet and red cheeks, he felt the row of molars lined beneath the soft flesh as his mouth opened.
The man whined, chest heaving as he began to hyperventilate. Hot puffs of air grazed his thermoreceptors.
The sensation was disgustingly organic.
Sighing, he clicked the pliers together. Testing.
The art piece mimicked the noise, clacking its teeth together. The man jumped, but the android squeezed his jaw tight.
He raised the pliers.
“That’s a shame.”