u/onestepatatimeman

I (30M) been seeing this girl(29F) for 2 months now. We met on Hinge and had a nice first date walking around the city with dessert. I find her to be really intelligent and funny and it's easy to talk to her.

We kissed on the second date and on the third date she asked if we could be exclusive and asked if I could delete my apps. I agreed to both counts because I am seriously interested in her and it didn't feel like a big ask.

Since then, on each date we've kissed for longer and longer. I invited her to my place for a 5th date to give her a tour of my area and cook dinner for her. She brought me flowers and we watched TV together.

At this point, I'm really attracted to her and want to get more intimate. We kissed on the couch and I asked her if she wanted to continue here or come inside with me. She said she'd prefer to be on the couch. Fair enough, I think she's not ready and don't make any other 'escalating' advances. We kissed for longer on my couch and on my patio before she left.

I don't want to make a second advance when my first was rejected because that would be pressuring someone. We don't flirt over text much, but she has since been texting me about how much she likes kissing me. I take this as a good sign, right?

Last week, she invited me to her place after dinner. We kissed on her couch. She then told me she's been hurt before and has had nonconsensual encounters, and is in therapy for it. I felt really sad for her and reassured her that I wouldn't pressure her and want her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. I do want her to feel safe.

But now with this information about her past ... I feel like I can't bring up what I want. It's not like sex is all that's in my head, but physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me. We've been on 10 dates so far. Each time I do enjoy her company and enjoy getting to know her better. I definitely wouldn't want a sexual encounter with her where she's only doing it because I'm horny. I want her to want me as well.

I haven't said anything to her yet. I've just been taking things at her pace and so far have just been happy to spend time with her. I know you have to communicate if you want something, but given she has been abused in the past I feel like even bringing up my desire could be pressuring for her.

Any advice?

I can't believe I'm in a position to be giving dating advice, but I want to share my experience. It's just one person's experience and may not be universally applicable but I think it's worth sharing in this forum.

I'm almost 30, M. To this day, I've never asked a woman out IRL because I always believed I was too ugly, weird, awkward looking for someone to like me. I'd never noticed any attraction/attention from women IRL neither, romantic nor platonic. I've always felt creepy talking to women around my age.

For context, I'm in America. I'm 5'8, skinny-fat, brown-skinned (not that this is a negative intrinsically), bespectacled, dark eye rings, thinning hair and don't have a car. But I also have a good stable career, present myself well in terms of fashion/grooming (doing the best with what I have lol), have a decent friend circle, have hobbies, interests and passions that I indulge in.

So I went on dating apps. And for a while in the beginning, I didn't get any likes or matches. I went through cycles of uninstalling and reinstalling them.

Then one time, I just left them installed. Slowly, I started getting matches. Many matches were pointless, but a few of them actually seemed interested and we even went on a few dates.

In the past 2 years, I've been on dates with 6 different women. 2 of them ghosted me, 2 of them said they weren't ready to date/too busy but "I was a great guy" (I know what this is code for, but I appreciated not being ghosted nonetheless), 2 of them went on a second date with me.

Not great numbers compared to the masses, but I actually feel a lot better about myself. My photos are accurate and not super impressive, so these women must have matched knowing what I looked like. That fact alone has done wonders for my self-esteem.

For that reason alone, I feel a tiny bit of gratitude for these apps. I'm still unsuccessful, and haven't really been intimate beyond holding hands or greeting/goodbye with a hug, but atleast now I know it must be my personality and not my looks! I couldn't have solved this with therapy (and I AM in therapy), self-love and affirmations alone because lord knows I tried.

Some app-agnostic tips for the average man:-

i. Stay on the apps longer than you normally would. Your profile isn't being shown to that many people per day, so use time to your advantage. Take a minute to look through the profile before sending a like or swiping right.

ii. Bite the bullet and ask your friends to take pictures when you're out doing something. If your friends take dogshit pictures, ask them to take multiple so you can atleast choose one good picture out of many. Most modern phones have free built-in AI editing tools that can remove blurriness or weird objects in the background.

iii. IF you so choose to purchase a boost like feature, be cognizant of when you use it. Boosting your profile at 3AM in the morning is useless.

iv. Be selective about sending likes. I don't have the data to back this up, but I feel like I saw more success when I started instantly swiping left on the 'baddies'.

v. Use the app everyday, but don't spend all day on it. You have a certain amount of likes/swipes. Spend no more than 15-30 minutes but try to exhaust them by judiciously swiping so your profile is shown to people more.

vi. I'm really projecting with this one, but if you get a match and go on a date: do not fantasize about getting married and falling in love with that person 😂 She is still a stranger who knows nothing about you except some pictures and a few texts

I'm 30M, and I've never had female friends. I need to put out a few disclaimers here at this point because I feel like I'll be judged by this statement alone.

• I do think men and women can be friends.
• I don't treat men and women differently* (caveat here, will explain later)
• I'm not seeking friends to turn into romantic relationships
• I hangout in spaces with men and women
• I'm not looking for female friends so I can use them for emotional dumping

I've had acquaintances who were women through the years, but no one I could call a friend. Like no one I could talk random shit with, send a funny meme to, or think of as someone who enjoys my company.

Now for the caveat - I will admit I'm more aware of boundaries with women than I am with men. In a group setting, I'll talk to anyone and everyon e. But when it comes to trying to make friends, I won't think twice when it comes to asking a guy to hangout afterwards or asking for their contact. But I don't do that with women because I think it might be seen as creepy, trying to hit on them.

My method of making friends has simply been to try and hangout more with anyone who seemed comfortable with me or vibed with me. By and large, that has mostly been men and NB folks. While I am introverted, I'll still go talk to strangers if there's something about them that's interesting to me. But I need them to show some interest in return if a friendship is to be formed, which almost never seems to happen with women, which then makes me think I'm bothering her or making her feel uncomfortable.

I ask because I've heard a lot that men without female friendships are red flags and it's been pricking at my mind. It's not like I'm avoiding women or have mutism around them. And I want to know if there's something else about me that I might be overlooking.