Upset with everyone vehemently insisting I’d eventually “pass” even though I clearly couldn’t.
I took testosterone for 5 years, and am a few months away from being a year into detransition. I recently had the displeasure of seeing photos of myself from the year 4 mark of being on HRT.
My face was fine I guess (passed as a teenage boy in the face, as an adult woman), but my body looked so strange. I knew it at the time, but looking back, it’s worse than I thought it was. Without getting too into the weeds, my bone structure is exceedingly “feminine,” and male body fat distribution on top of it resulted in some uncanny-valley-looking proportions, even after building muscle (in some ways, this actually made it worse). I never looked like a man, just like a woman that, for lack of a better phrase, had something wrong with her.
The entire time, I had trans friends both online and IRL defend my supposed future ability to pass to the death, like no one was allowed to admit it might not work out for me, even though it became increasingly obvious over time.
I made my own choices, but in lots of ways, their delusional optimism just lengthened an already painful process. Everyone was so insistent it would happen; I always just had to wait a little longer, work out more, try harder. Like a carrot on a stick. It makes me really sad to think about.
I finally accepted that passing as male was an unobtainable goal for me.. but I think I wish I’d had someone I could have said that to sooner, that wouldn’t brush it aside like I was crazy, who would have been able to face reality with me and just be there to say, “Yeah, that sucks.”
Anyway, sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I’ve come to more of a place of acceptance now, I’m able to appreciate that at the very least, even if I’m visibly a woman, I look like a healthy one.