For the first time in eighteen years I am afraid to fall asleep.
I (52 m)woke up to a wet bed this morning. I am 52 years old. I am on the ADHD/Autism spectrum. I have had bladder problems my entire life. From daytime wetting accidents to bedwetting. I am in good shape and I have not wet the bed in eighteen years. Then after a vivid dream, I woke up to wet pajamas a large wet spot on the bed sheet and a wet spot twice as large on the underpad. Luckily it did not affect the mattress. I've wet the bed on and off since childhood but it got a lot worse after after falling off a skateboard at 30 MPH. I sustained a serious concussion and it became a lot more frequent. I remember waking up with the room spinning in the middle of the night and a nurse diapering me because I had soaked the hospital bed.
I had wetting accidents occasionally during the day and night. Then in my junior year of college I was in a serious car accident that resulted in nerve damage to my L5-S1 region in my back. During my senior year I wet the bed every night and I also wet my pants in class a few times. It was so traumatic that I finally resorted to wearing diapers. I was considered a "good looking guy" but socializing with women was very difficult after a word spread about me wetting my pants..not just in class but on dates! Essentially from the age of 21 to 36 I wore adult diapers 24/7. However, I eventually went on a health kick, lost a lot of weight, and worked with a physical therapist. I was able to take the label version of Prozac and get on a steady sleep schedule and miraculously I stopped wetting the bed. I met my wife, and we got married. My overcoming incontinence became part of my narrative and now I may be headed back to diapers again. Now, I have been really stressed financially. I am on the generic form of Prozac and the generic is not as effective as the label. My back is slowly getting worse so I shouldn't be surprised. I was told that would happen.
Yes, there are worse things with which you can be afflicted. However few people realize the trauma that is sustained when you wet your pants and bed on a regular basis. I was in a final in college where you could not use the bathroom because there was no time. The bathroom was two floors down. I ended up wetting my pants in front of the class. However because it happened in the last 10 minutes, the next class that was waiting witnessed it as well. I was 21. Some days out of nowhere I'll be sitting in traffic needing to go to bathroom and I will relive the entire wetting accident. The shock the of pretty blonde test proctor. The loud laughter from two girls who were returning their tests and stopped in their tracks when they heard the sizzling sound saw the growing puddle on the floor. And of course, the walk of shame back to my dorm through the quad in my soaking wet pants. I had to walk through a busy dining hall to get to my dorm so I could quickly change my wet clothes and go to my next final. I am 52 but I always feel like I'm 14.
I am tired...but I am afraid to go to sleep.