FTM, boyfriend leaving me
FTM (maybe?), boyfriend leaving me
Hello everyone.
I wish I was not writing this post. I am 27 years old and I am 7 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend has told me he will leave me if I have the baby. I am devastated.
Of course I want my baby, all I've ever wanted is to be a mother, but I have also only ever wanted a family. I had a fucked up childhood and never had much of a family, so it's all I've desired in life. I don't have any children yet, this would be my first. I cannot grasp the grief of missing out on building a foundation with someone, experiencing pregnancy and the transition into motherhood with support, safety, and love.
Instead now, I am faced with a pain I almost cannot bear. Even if he doesn't leave me, at this point I don't think I can be with him knowing what kind of man he is. Also, after becoming pregnant I have become less tolerant of his bullshit and realized just how unhappy I have been and keeping it together for the sake of attempting to build the family I so desire. (He always talked about a future and children btw).
Please, I need real advice from real people who have dealt with these real issues. I'm considering leaving him, keeping the baby, and doing my best at whatever personal sacrifices may come. On the other hand, my life has been almost nothing but hardship and here I would be making a choice that would surely bring more grief and suffering. I would also be condemning my child to being fatherless. So I am almost equally considering leaving him and getting an abortion and giving it my all to follow a path that will bring me to a better place. I got an abortion before (I was coerced) and it completely traumatized me, but I don't want to keep this one just to avoid the trauma if I am truly not ready. But if he were supportive, together or not, I wouldn't hesitate to have the baby.
I am trying not to allow his opinion to guide my decision making, but I cannot pretend like he is irrelevant. His involvement or lack thereof is a huge consideration. Do I want to be connected to this man in any way for the rest of my life? I should mention we are from different countries and also live in a third country, where neither of us are from. So if he does want anything to do with us, I might be stuck here and I've already been wanting to move away after I finish my master's.
Guys, please give it to me real. What would you do? Is it all worth it and have the baby and give up the possibility of having the fantasy family? Or if you could honestly choose for me, would you tell me to wait until I have a safe and supportive environment for us and I am truly ready?
I have been to pregnancy counsellor, my personal therapist, filled out decision worksheets, made Plan A, B, C, D and the decision is not getting easier. I freak out daily and feel the weight of both decisions equally. When I first found out, I was not even questioning keeping it or not, I felt I would do anything on earth for it. But after the feeling the weight of that choice, I have fallen into a depression over the loss of the life I thought I would have.
Please, be constructive in your responses. I am in a very vulnerable spot right now.