u/peaceandkind

So first, I messed up and I’ll take full accountability for that.

I’m a FTM and I already extra, over the top person, so (just my personal preference) I want to do it big for my first pregnancy. So I want the huge gender reveal and a big themed, beautiful baby shower. I did the same with my wedding and I don’t regret a minute of it lol.

So my husband and I have the gender written on two letters in my kitchen drawer and we planned on mailing it out to one of my family members and his mom closer to thanksgiving (that’s when we’re doing the reveal when both families will be in town). But my MIL wanted to know the gender as soon as we found out like 2 weeks ago. I messed up and told her we’ll mail it as soon as we find out.

But then, we had second thoughts because I KNOW she’s just so so so excited, this is the first grandchild, niece(nephew), great grand etc. And there was 2 months left until thanksgiving yet and I was afraid she’d somehow just let it slip.

He has a very overly close and protective family and mine is very “cold” and can be toxic (I haven’t even told my side I’m pregnant yet). So basically I want this entire pregnancy to be on my terms and I really want to enjoy all of it. Saying that to say— I think his mom will spoil the reveal if we let her know too early. Not purposely, just out of excitement. So my husband and I told her we changed our mind, and she’ll find out later.

His mom lost it. She’s been talking about us to others and hounding us about it. I was upfront with her and I apologized because it was wrong to tell her that we would let her know then take that away from her. But I explained that I was very very nervous she’d accidentally spoil it. Then she said, “but you don’t understand, it’s MYYYY grandchild.” And I’m like “I’m but it’s my child?” And it just makes me nervous because his side already does not have boundaries so I thought that was kind of weird for her to talk about the baby as if her feelings take priority over the mother (me)

OK anyway, so skip to right now. After I apologized and let her read me out, I compromise and told her that instead of telling her two months in advance, I’ll let her know a month in advance. We still have to send it out to my other family member and they’re gonna help actually do the gender reveal, but I was just afraid to let her know too early in advance. So we agreed on October 20. But now I haven’t been able to sleep at night and I genuinely just don’t think I wanna tell her at all. I want her to be able to experience the surprise with everybody else. I don’t trust that she’ll be able to keep it a secret for even a month. And also, I don’t like the fact that she’s kind of now put that pressure on me and I feel like it’s gone to her terms. I understand that I never should’ve said yes to begin with. And then after feeling bad I gave in again. But I’m afraid that I’m starting a precedent with pushing boundaries with the baby.

But then she made a good point because she said that I need to remember these “boundaries” when we wanna go on vacation and drop the baby off with her. But I feel like that’s making it a transactional relationship and that bugs me too..

Idk please give me your perspectives about how to navigate this, anything similar you’ve experience, or any constructive and not judgmental advice please :)

So first, I messed up and I’ll take full accountability for that.

I’m a FTM and I already extra, over the top person, so (just my personal preference) I want to do it big for my first pregnancy. So I want the huge gender reveal and a big themed, beautiful baby shower. I did the same with my wedding and I don’t regret a minute of it lol.

So my husband and I have the gender written on two letters in my kitchen drawer and we planned on mailing it out to one of my family members and his mom closer to thanksgiving (that’s when we’re doing the reveal when both families will be in town). But my MIL wanted to know the gender as soon as we found out like 2 weeks ago. I messed up and told her we’ll mail it as soon as we find out.

But then, we had second thoughts because I KNOW she’s just so so so excited, this is the first grandchild, niece(nephew), great grand etc. And there was 2 months left until thanksgiving yet and I was afraid she’d somehow just let it slip.

He has a very overly close and protective family and mine is very “cold” and can be toxic (I haven’t even told my side I’m pregnant yet). So basically I want this entire pregnancy to be on my terms and I really want to enjoy all of it. Saying that to say— I think his mom will spoil the reveal if we let her know too early. Not purposely, just out of excitement. So my husband and I told her we changed our mind, and she’ll find out later.

His mom lost it. She’s been talking about us to others and hounding us about it. I was upfront with her and I apologized because it was wrong to tell her that we would let her know then take that away from her. But I explained that I was very very nervous she’d accidentally spoil it. Then she said, “but you don’t understand, it’s MYYYY grandchild.” And I’m like “I’m but it’s my child?” And it just makes me nervous because his side already does not have boundaries so I thought that was kind of weird for her to talk about the baby as if her feelings take priority over the mother (me)

OK anyway, so skip to right now. After I apologized and let her read me out, I compromise and told her that instead of telling her two months in advance, I’ll let her know a month in advance. We still have to send it out to my other family member and they’re gonna help actually do the gender reveal, but I was just afraid to let her know too early in advance. So we agreed on October 20. But now I haven’t been able to sleep at night and I genuinely just don’t think I wanna tell her at all. I want her to be able to experience the surprise with everybody else. I don’t trust that she’ll be able to keep it a secret for even a month. And also, I don’t like the fact that she’s kind of now put that pressure on me and I feel like it’s gone to her terms. I understand that I never should’ve said yes to begin with. And then after feeling bad I gave in again. But I’m afraid that I’m starting a precedent with pushing boundaries with the baby.

But then she made a good point because she said that I need to remember these “boundaries” when we wanna go on vacation and drop the baby off with her. But I feel like that’s making it a transactional relationship and that bugs me too..

Idk please give me your perspectives about how to navigate this, anything similar you’ve experience, or any constructive and not judgmental advice please :)