My boyfriend doesn’t like having relations W/ me
I (21 female) know this is probably going to sound horrible to some people, but I genuinely need outside opinions because I still don't know if what we did was the right choice.
My partner (22 male)and I have been together for four years. We met when we were young, fell hard for each other, and honestly in almost every other aspect, our relationship was amazing. We were best friends always supporting each other and what we wanted. We rarely fought, shared the same goals, and genuinely loved spending time together.
There was just one major problem our sex life or lack there of. From the very beginning, the sexual chemistry just wasn't there. I tried to convince myself it would improve with time because I loved him so much and we’d know each other more, but after two years together nothing had changed. We talked about it countless times, tried different things, communicated openly and put in effort but it still felt forced and unsatisfying for me.
Eventually, resentment started building I hated admitting it because it felt shallow, but intimacy is so so important to me. After two years the issue had become so big that we ended up breaking up.
We stayed separated for about a year.
During that year apart, I’d slept w/ other people casually (only once or twice). I had only been with two people before my bf so I don't have a huge sexual history. Even while single, I only slept with limited people during our breakup. Ironically, despite technically being single and having every right to do so, it still felt wrong like cheating. I felt guilty the entire time, almost like I was cheating to the point where I got physically sick, which made me realize I was never really okay w/ this.
Neither of us had found anyone we connected with emotionally the way we connected with each other. That's when we had a very difficult conversation about sex.
We both acknowledged that our relationship had ended because of our sexual incompatibility, not because we didn't love each other. And I am not taking just not enough but no before or after that if yk what I mean, in a total of 5 mins.After months of discussions we agreed to get back together under one condition… we would have an open relationship, but only on my side.
The arrangement was entirely his idea because he knew the lack of sexual compatibility had been devastating for me, and he didn't want us to lose what we had over it again.
We've now been back together for a while another 2 years ish, and honestly, our relationship is stronger than ever emotionally. But every time I I’d actually have the opportunity to act on the agreement, I still feel guilty even though I have his full permission and support. To the point where they(affair partner) called late at night and he found out( months ago) which had minimum to low reaction.I've only been with two people since we opened the relationship, and both times I felt sick afterward like I had cheated on the person I love most. Also, ish 30 years what will I can about most emotionally sex.
So now I'm wondering if I should still feel guilty despite having permission, does that mean this arrangement isn't right for me? Or is guilt just something that takes time to work through in non-traditional relationships?
If anyone has experienced something similar please need help tl:dr?s