u/penelope_is_sad

Moms passed. But I never thought I’d miss the “sick” version of her.

Caregiving is so complex. I spent so much time grieving the version of my mom before she developed Parkinson’s disease. I missed who she used to be so deeply. But now that it’s been eight months since she passed, I find myself missing the sick version of her too.

Even though the disease changed her so much … she became mean at times, unable to move, and didn’t always feel like my “real” mom anymore. I still miss her terribly. Sometimes I’ll just be going about my day and suddenly get hit with little flashbacks or reminders of her. 😞

She was such a ball breaker. So sassy. And Parkinson’s made her incredibly cranky. A year ago, I never would have believed I’d someday miss that version of her too.

I hate admitting this, but during caregiving there were moments when I felt like I hated her. Looking back, I know I didn’t actually hate *her* … I was exhausted, overwhelmed, physically drained, and grieving in real time while trying to care for someone I loved!!!! That aged me like ten years. Caregiving brings out such dark, complicated emotions. We think things we never imagined we could think, and then later carry guilt for having those feelings at all. It’s such a painful, complex kind of love.

Hey guys, I’ve been doing tarot for about a year now and I feel like I’m really starting to get the hang of it. I wanted to ask what you all think about using one card vs. three cards—what’s the “right” number to pull?

Sometimes I just want to pull one card, but other times when I pull more, I feel like I get a fuller picture. On the flip side, sometimes I wonder if I’m pulling too many and overcomplicating the message.

Also, what are your thoughts on “reversals”? I’ve tried to avoid them, but I do like using them sometimes. One thing I’ve noticed is that before a reading, I catch myself trying to make sure the cards come out upright—does that count as cheating or just part of my process?

Caregiving is so complex. I spent so much time grieving the version of my mom before she developed Parkinson’s disease. I missed who she used to be so deeply. But now that it’s been eight months since she passed, I find myself missing the sick version of her too.

Even though the disease changed her so much … she became mean at times, unable to move, and didn’t always feel like my “real” mom anymore. I still miss her terribly. Sometimes I’ll just be going about my day and suddenly get hit with little flashbacks or reminders of her. 😞

She was such a ball breaker. So sassy. And Parkinson’s made her incredibly cranky. A year ago, I never would have believed I’d someday miss that version of her too.

I hate admitting this, but during caregiving there were moments when I felt like I hated her. Looking back, I know I didn’t actually hate her … I was exhausted, overwhelmed, physically drained, and grieving in real time while trying to care for someone I loved!!!! That aged me like ten years. Caregiving brings out such dark, complicated emotions. We think things we never imagined we could think, and then later carry guilt for having those feelings at all. It’s such a painful, complex kind of love.

This is the first Mother’s Day without my mom, she died in September. But In all actuality, i feel like she had died many years ago. Parkinsons robbed her of her personality and character, and even her physical and mental abilities. I thought I would be so sad today, I’m not as depressed as other Mother’s Day. Maybe it’s technically not my first Mother’s Day without her? Maybe it’ll hit later.

Hey everyone. This is kind of an awkward topic, but it happens more often than people realize.
For reference, I was in my late 20s when my caregiving for my mom with Parkinson’s began. About 5 years ago, my boyfriend of almost 10 years left me. We had a big fight where I told him that caregiving was draining me. I think it was when I was just starting to realize how burned out I really was. Turns out he left me for another girl, but thinks I don’t know.

Now, fast-forward five years. I look back and see that my ex is happily engaged. He’s gone on vacations, graduated from law school, and celebrated all these milestones. Meanwhile, I was taking my mom to doctor’s appointments, watching strangers wipe her ass, picking her up from multiple falls (she had Parkinson’s disease) & watching her die daily in the most intimate ways. While I was doing all that and dying inside, my boyfriend was kissing a new pair of lips. While he was trying new restaurants with his new girl, i was grieving my mom while she was still alive. While he was clinking champagne flutes, i was burying my mom. The irony is that when we were together I was so excited to celebrate all his graduations and Law school wins. I pictured myself buying beautiful high heels to go to all these events. But in a twist of fate, all I did was grieve. Mourned the relationship and mourned my mom.

Even after all this time, it still hurts. My mom has been gone for seven months now, and the pain from both losses feels overwhelming. It’s bringing up a lot of anxiety and heartbreak. I was so devoted to my mom, and I know that being a caregiver probably didn’t help my relationship either. I just don’t understand why the universe would give me such a hard lesson and hard time but then give my cheating ex the best life ever? It’s truly unfair.

I miss who I was before caregiving and I miss the life I had. It wasn’t my mom’s fault and I’m not trying to blame her or the disease. I just didn’t know how intense caregiving was until I was the caregiver.