u/phantomcat97

Sort of a standard avoidant push/pull dynamic going on here. But I do genuinely care about him a lot and am concerned for his wellbeing.

And would love some advice - especially from anyone who is or has been avoidant.

I, F29, have been in this hot/cold cycle with M39 ‘Ryan’ (fake name) for 7 months. We’ve been close friends for 5 years, have a mutual friend group and we all work backstage together in commercial musical theatre.

When things started 7 months ago it was long distance as he was on tour with a show. We found out we’d both had feelings for each other for years and in hindsight because of the physical distance and because he wouldn’t be back in our city for months - it meant it was ‘safe’ for him to really go all in. And I, consequently, got very attached, and we became very close with him opening up emotionally in ways he never had with me before. I even flew over to see him for a weekend 6 months ago.

Then he freaked out after a couple of months, wanted to go back to being friends, then started pushing boundaries, and he suggested we casually date when I called him out on that, he was fine for a month then freaked out again.

Classic. But hard to recognise when you’re in the middle of it.

Now he’s back, we’re working on the same show and I’m really concerned about him.

He’s always been a bit reserved and struggled with depression/anxiety. But he’s really shut down at work. For days on end he will avoid eye contact with everyone, sit alone, not talk to anyone - and I guess have ‘storm cloud’, ‘don’t come near me energy’.

About a month before he came back to our city it was like he put up an emotional wall to me and stopped talking to me about how he was and just sent reels and stuff instead.

His behaviour at work clearly shows he’s finding things tough but it’s also hard for everyone having to work with him during a show - especially as it’s been like this for weeks. With random days of him being suddenly being chatty and in a good mood.

I want to support him whilst trying to look after my own wellbeing more. As he’s continued to not be…very fair? to me. Asking to come over to my house at 1am after after-work drinks, then stonewalling me at work for days afterwards but still messaging me online. Then saying he wants a FWB arrangement when I asked what he wanted/what was going on. I made him a shadowbox for his birthday a few days ago commemorating his first two touring shows (current show is his second) - it even had a remote controlled LED strip in it - and he couldn’t say one positive thing about it or even acknowledge I’d clearly put a lot of effort into it. All he said was he’d felt a bit “attacked” by it. In a sort of joking tone? As I guess he’s not enjoying the show right now.

I’ve not spoken to any of our friends in his department about what’s been going on between us - as that would not be fair at all. Except one very close friend to both of us. She’s been friends with him for 15 years and has known about the entire 7 month saga with me.

Normally she’d be a big support for him when he’s having trouble with his mental health. But she’s currently very angry with him for how he’s been treating me and how self absorbed he’s been acting. But I don’t believe she’s said anything to him about it.

My brother has been suicidal this year - and I know that’s colouring my lens when being concerned about ‘Ryan’ - I don’t know if his thoughts are that dark but it’s a worry of mine.

I’ve settled on sitting with him backstage from time to time and just hanging out in silence with both of us doing our own thing. Phone, steamdeck, etc. and occasionally chatting - if he’s in a better mood. Or random light hearted texts/reels.

I want him to know I’m here and I care. But logically I know his behaviour is hurting me and it’s fine for me to distance myself whilst he’s acting this way. But I do love him and he is my friend.

And not having physical distance makes this all so much harder.

What would you guys do in my position?

Thanks for your time - happy to give any clarification.

I, 29F have been in a on and off again casual relationship (long distance) for 6 months with M38.

He’s back in our city and we’re now working together 6 days a week for the next 2 months. The morning of our first shift together (last week) I woke up to a message from him.

I found the message a little ambiguous as to what he wants moving forward. And due to setting up the show haven’t had a chance to directly ask him/have any privacy to talk. I want to have this discussion in person. But am also a bit nervous about it.

I’d be really interested to know people’s thoughts on the message. As I don’t want to ask my friends - as they are his friends too and we all share a workplace.

Context things that might be valuable:

We’ve been friends for 5 years. We share a friend group. We work backstage in theatre, so long working hours together and a small industry where everyone knows each other.

He suggested casually dating after I set a boundary about what I was and wasn’t ok with him sending me. (He was sending me flirty/couple stuff after asking to go back to being friends) so we started seeing each other again.

When he sent me the below message there had been 5 weeks of nothing dating related being said, just surface level chats. He’d pulled back after I’d asked for a chat so we could make sure we’re on the same page. He did agree to have the chat but then asked to work out his thoughts first. And the chat never happened.

“Hey sorry I’ve pulled back a bit, several things to do with that and none of that your fault, my mental state went through a big shift and I started being a lot more present in in person interactions so had less time for long distance stuff which I know is a bit shit of me and I’m really sorry. I love you to bits and I don’t feel like seeing you will be weird for me, I’m really sorry for leading you on, which I feel like I did, my loneliness and negative made me latch on to the person who was showing me interest when it wasn’t fair to you and I hate myself a bit for that and I’m really sorry. You’re amazing and I took advantage of that. I can’t wait to see you again and hope I haven’t completely fucked it.”

Do people think he’s referring to platonic love or ???

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

I (F29) have been in a on and off again long distance casual dating thing for the last 6 months with a friend (M38).

In hindsight it’s been a classic push/pull cycle. But now he’s back in my city and we’re working together 6 days a week for the next 2 months. We work backstage in commercial theatre - so it’s looong hours.

We’ve been friends for 5 years and share a friend group.

The morning of our first shift together (3 days ago) I woke up to this message:

Hey sorry I’ve pulled back a bit, several things to do with that and none of that your fault, my mental state went through a big shift and I started being a lot more present in in person interactions so had less time for long distance stuff which I know is a bit shit of me and I’m really sorry. I love you to bits and I don’t feel like seeing you will be weird for me, I’m really sorry for leading you on, which I feel like I did, my loneliness and negative made me latch on to the person who was showing me interest when it wasn’t fair to you and I hate myself a bit for that and I’m really sorry. You’re amazing and I took advantage of that. I can’t wait to see you again and hope I haven’t completely fucked it.

I was relieved he sent something as up until that point it had been 5 weeks of surface level chats. Nothing about what was going on. I did ask for a chat and he’d said he needed to ‘work out his thoughts’ - so I’d left it and given him space.

I appreciate the emotional sincerity in his message, and the accountability. But I wish he’d stated more clearly what he wants now/what had happened/how he thinks of me.

I will ask him for more clarity. But right now isn’t a good time. We’re working to a tight deadline to get the show up, and trying to get used to being around each other. I need to settle my emotions.

So it will probably be another week or more until we do talk.

It’s been really hard. And I’m also hurt/annoyed because casually dating was his suggestion. After his first pull back he’d asked to remain friends but kept messaging me things that was the over the line. I told him what I was and wasn’t ok with - if he didn’t want to lead me on. As I was happy to revisit things. And he suggested being casual, instead of just not sending me that stuff.

My brain keeps spinning because I know I can’t get an answer yet. And I don’t want to talk to my friends as they are also his friends and I want respect his privacy/working environment.

Any advice on how to get through the next week would be greatly appreciated.