u/phdpisces

Me and my avoidant ex separated 2 years ago but in reality kept living together and acting as if we were in a relationship until a little under 1 year ago. It was a fairly mutual breakup but it was initiated by me. We have a 4 year old daughter together and had never lived together before I had her. We split up because we kept arguing all the time and in times of conflict he wanted to pull away and have space whereas I needed closeness.

Recently he has started dating someone. Well, I say dating but I think they’ve been on one actual date and the rest has been him just going over to her house for the night. This has made me feel a lot of things, but most importantly it made me realise I still have a lot of feelings for him and I want us to try and find a way to work through our problems together.

He agreed to start attending couples therapy a few weeks ago. We have only had one session together so far, as last week was our individual sessions. In the past few weeks there have been a lot of ups and downs but overall I have made some genuine progress in regulating my own emotions and anxious attachment style in times of real stress.

Today we met up for coffee - he invited me. We had what felt like a real, genuine, meaningful conversation. We connected on a level we haven’t done so in years. We were honest and vulnerable. I felt like there might be some hope we could work through this, albeit a long process.

Then this evening I found out that he has gone ahead and gone over to this other woman’s house to spend the night. We have our couples therapy session at 9am tomorrow and she lives 2 hours away. He said he will still attend and I don’t doubt that. But I’m left emotionally reeling from the whiplash of such an intimate conversation this morning to then him sleeping with someone else tonight to then still coming to couples therapy tomorrow.

I’ve told him a few times now that I don’t think I can continue being friends or processing our relationship while he continues to see other people. We had no contact this past week and that is partly what led to this meaningful conversation today, because he realised he was very sad about losing me.

I just don’t understand the cognitive dissonance of it all or his ability to compartmentalise to the highest degree. Are there any avoidants here who can help me understand that? How he can care or even love me but still do things he knows hurt me?

Of course we will talk about all of this in therapy tomorrow but is this a lost cause at this point? I know he cares. But I don’t know if it is worth waiting it out for him to come to choose me of his own accord or if I should walk away for real this time, and tell him we cannot be friends?

Has anyone experienced anything similar before?

I don’t even know where to start. Me (28F, anxiously attached) and my avoidant ex (44M) were together for 6 years (from when I was 20). We were ‘friends’ for two years before that - he was my lecturer at university and we developed a closer relationship. When I met him he was married. Before he was married he was with a different woman for 10 years or so - the mother of his eldest daughter.

I found out he was cheating on his wife with a Masters student. He told me they had an open marriage but I didn’t believe him. His wife left him and he was with this other student for a year. I developed feelings for him (god only knows why after all of that…) and eventually this other student also left him because of his avoidant behaviour.

We then got together about a month after she broke up with him. I discovered, after our relationship ended years later, that he had tried to get back with her in the early months of our relationship. Letter attached! For a long time she was something of a ‘phantom ex’ I guess.

I had a child with him whilst we were together - she is 4 now. We ‘split up’ 2.5 years ago, but he only moved out a year ago and we continued to have an intimate relationship up until then. He told me he was fundamentally unsuited for relationships and would remain single forever. I made peace with our breakup because of this.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he’s started dating in quite a serious way. Multiple dates a week, staying over on the first date etc. When I found this out I was deeply hurt and realised I still had feelings for him (again… god only knows why…) so I expressed this to him and asked if he would ever consider us working on our issues together to see if it was even a possibility that we could work things out. He shut it down and shut me out quite strongly - said there is a 0% chance of that ever happening. But then he did end up later suggesting and agreeing to go to therapy together on the premise of us working on our communication.

Things had been very up and down since then. He would have moments of warmth and expressing hurt about our relationship being over, but remained firm on it being 100% done. Of course the more I tried to change his mind, got upset etc, the colder he became. I suggested we can’t be friends while he continues to date because it would be too painful for me. He said that idea made him feel empty and hurt. But then today, after a night of warmth and understanding over text last night, things spiralled again when I asked if he would consider pausing dating whilst we figure out what we are doing.

He was very cold, and completely detached. We were in public having this conversation and when I got home he text me something to the effect of it causing him deep shame and embarrassment and that can never happen again. As a result he told me we should stop talking - only message about logistics for coparenting or therapy. I said ok and asked if this was indefinite and he said “until I can be sure something like that will never happen again”.

He still wants to attend therapy but I guess I’m just feeling so lost and exhausted. I don’t know if it is a complete lost cause or if someone like him can ever change in therapy? He has had years and years of individual therapy which seems to have done nothing but I guess my last hope is that couples therapy might help in some way.

For all his faults he has many good qualities too, and he is my child’s father, and we had such a good friendship before he started dating again. I guess I’m just seeing if anyone has any advice or has experienced anything similar? I have never met another man as avoidant as him in my life. But he clearly still has some desire to connect with people, with so many failed long term relationships.