u/philosopheraps

I have nowhere else to share this.. and I have no people I can talk about this with irl sadly. But I just found something that made me really glad and proud of myself. Actually impressed with myself.

My younger self was so cool. Wow. I had so much potential since a young age... I love this so much.

It's also really sad that it never got to have it thrive at that age, since it wasn't nurtured at all. Nor seen. Nor being let the space to shine or explore.

I was doing something on my phone which is a way of archiving my stuff on it, just in case my phone decides to stop working at any time.. I dont want my stuff especially my writings and art to get lost. So I was archiving my stuff.

I read some of the things I wrote when I was 17-18. They were lyrics and poetry.

I ... wow.

I was reading them impressed. The language I was writing was beautiful and rich. The way I wrote and organized my words.. impactful. I was reading pure art. I wrote that at 16! Or 17 or 18!

I got to know that young me was a very emotionally deep, very intellectual, very beautiful person with a lot of artistic mind. I really really really really would be soooo friends with them if I knew them.

I also remember saying a similar thing about my 13 year old self at a different instance before. I was genuinely so beautiful. So amazing. Such a lover and great friend, having a very beautiful mind. I feel soooo sad that we had no friends and little me thought there was something wrong with them.

I feel I was born to be a superstar, just reading the lyrics and songs I was reading.

It's so sad that they never got to become real songs at that time. I also had artistic visions and deep emotions and love since I was a lot younger... but again never seen. Nor appreciated.

It makes me sad how much my younger self never got to be cherished, celebrated, nurtured, and made to thrive in their own traits, instead of being forced to hide them. I was only being myself halfway, in hidden ways..such as unreleased song lyrics (and compositions!) and unread poems. My emotions were never seen and were forced to dull. Just sad

I wish I could show these lyrics to people :') I feel lonely over here

I am someone who also struggles with being misunderstood a lot by people for some reason (that itself is a hell in itself for me). I got banned from a sub because of being misunderstood.

Anyway. I was thinking today of setting boundaries for real now. Actually removing myself from situations that harm me..people who don't listen to me.. etc. But now I thought: people may misunderstand me, spread a false narrative about me, then end up getting me kicked out of my housing or maybe job or whatever thing I'm in and need. Or, another thing that an abusive person may do to me: they don't like my boundaries so they end up spreading rumors about me that never even happened, make others believe them (abusive ppl for some reason always got others on their side), deny everything and every PROOF I say about how it isn't true, then get me also harmed in the same way like lose my housing etc.

Also these are things that ACTUALLY happened to me before. I actually got kicked out of housing over rumors and lies before. Straight up lies, not even twisted realities.

But I cant stand the harm that happens to me without boundaries either.

This is what I'm scared may happen if I set real boundaries for myself.

Real boundaries here means: boundaries about exactly what I dont wanna be participating in and how much I wanna be in something or not etc, rather than having wallsssss and strict boundaries to protect me all the time.

.

(I don't claim I'm autistic because I don't have a diagnosis, but I think y'all are the only people who will understand me because other people never get this experience)

ولا هيبقى معايا مصاريف كلية بس اهم حاجة اني هكون في الشارع ومش هكون باكل

وقبل ما حد ذكي ييجي يقولي يلهوي طب ليه مروحش اعيش مع أهل ليا او اطلب منهم مساعدة. تفتكر لو كان عندي الاوبشن دا كنت هعمل البوست دا ليه؟

بجد الموضوع يتعب نفسيا جدا!!! انا اصلا مش حد بيدور على الأخبار دي في العادة واصلا بتجنبها في العادي. لكن هي اللي بقت بتطلعلي غصب عني! هو بجد معقولة الحاجات دي زادت كدا؟

ولا دا معدلها طول عمرنا واحنا مش واخدين بالنا

في الحالتين مصيبة.

جرايم القتل عامة تتعب القلب والعقل والنفسية جدا.. بس انا لاحظت ان معظم الأغلبية العظمى ليهم..هي جرايم رجالة تقتل ستات وبنات. وعادة لنفس الاسباب. نفس الجريمة بتتكرر.

واحد يقتل واحدة عشان رفضته. او يقتل طليقته عشان مش عايزة ترجعله. او مراته عشان مش عايزة تقربله ولا تقرب عيالها منه (وطبعا سبب انها مش عايزة تقربله ولا تخلي عيالها يقربوا واضح لما يكون رد فعله هو القتل..كدا فهمنا هي ليه اصلا مكانتش عايزاه). او يمارس عنف ناحيتها عشان مش عاجبها انه بيتحرش بيها. او جرايم شرف.

هي نفس الاسطوانة دي. انتو مش شايفين الموضوع مرعب قد ايه؟

انا عندي سؤال طيب. وطبعا اي حد مريض في إنسانيته شايف ان اي حاجة من دول مبررة او ممكن تهزر فيها يخلع شكل ك**مه من البوست ويروح يتعالج

بالنسبة للناس السوية.. انا عندي سؤال. بما ان الجرايم دي متكررة كدا... ايه السبب؟ ازاي ممكن نفهم السبب ونقي نفسنا منه من الاول؟

ازاي ممكن نردع حاجة زي كدا؟ ازاي ممكن نحمي الناس منها؟

هل المجرمين دول كان باين علامات معينة انهم ممكن يبقوا كدا من الاول؟ ولا الموضوع طلع صدمة تامة؟

ايه صفات الناس دي؟ الناس اللي قتلت دي صفاتها الشخصية كانت عاملة ازاي؟ وهل المجتمع مليان قتالين؟ من الكومنتات اللي بشوفها تحت الجرايم دي اللي بتشجع القاتل وتقوله برافو واحسن

الموضوع حرفيا مرعب ايه دا!!!

I've been trying to kill it but it somehow has very slick hiding skills I literally look away for 1 MILLISECOND to get something to kill it and then it literally disappears. I look for it everywhere and it's literally nowhere to be found. Then fcking appears again in random places I'M FCKING TIRED I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. I literally can't sleep.

I'm also scared of roaches and that plays into me running away when I see it and makes killing it harder

Hello. I never had sex before and I wonder how people can reach a point where they feel comfortable enough, safe enough, and trust the other person enough to have sex with them. This is a very raw, close, intimate thing and you let someone be very, very close to you physically. Matter of fact the closest to you physically. And you do intimate acts with them.

I am struggling with intimacy and connection in emotional ways rn. In platonic ways. Mainly because I don't feel like I can trust people that much, people may not be like me (and I can't connect with them), and I can't know them or what they're really like when we're really close..until I actually experience it.

Which is a huge and really amazing change! I can recognize this now. I used to struggle with that concept too..

But sexually, this seems like a much bigger risk. To feel like I wouldn't know what they're like sexually until I am in that specific situation.. sounds like a risk that my mind and body don't wanna take. They refuse it without me making any thought. (Valid)

It feels very intimate and I don't wanna have experiences in intimacy that don't feel nice.

What if that person turns out to be unsafe? What if I have a failure in communicating and advocating for myself? What if I feel uncomfortable midway? Or in the act itself (in this context I mean I feel uncomfortable bc of trauma and bc of the fact we're very close)? What if, since we're different people and we can't be the exact same, I can't get what makes me feel good and safe with them?

Etc etc

I personally feel like I can't reach a point where that would be ever possible for me. To feel safe enough with someone to pick them to have such a extremely intimate act with..

I'm struggling with intimacy in general. And connection and being seen for who I am and being seen in an authentic way. In a raw way. But even from my perspective now, sex seems to be a higher, different story. (Sex is pretty raw. And definitely brings out my wondering of whether it can ever feel safe and good for me. For the reasons above)

انا دورت ميت حاجة على جوجل وملقتش اي حاجة ترد على سؤالي.

مفيش ولا اي حاجة جاوبت.

مفروض اني بيتبعتلي مبلغ على البنك على طول من غير انستا باي. مفروض ايه الرقم اللي مفروض ابعته للشغل عشان يبعتلي؟

هل هو رقم الحساب؟ لو كدا أجيبه منين

لأني معنديش خط حاليا فمقدرش ادور على رسايل البنك الاهلي. ومعنديش حساب على موقع البنك اونلاين

خدمة العملاء في البنك قالي ان رقم الحساب ممكن الاقيه على إيصال في ال atm.

فسحبت ١٠٠ جنيه ولقيت رقم على الإيصال فبعته للمدير في الشغل قالي ان الرقم غريب وسألني لو دا رقم الحساب فعلا

أسأله سؤال بس مش هعمل إجراء او حاجة معاه انا بس بسأل سؤال عشان اعرف ايه اللي بيحصل قانونيا في حاجة معينة

هو سؤال قانوني

ولو ينفع معاكم أسأل في الخاص هيبقى كويس جدا

حتى اللي بيقبضوا ٢٠ ألف

الواحد عايز مجالات غير الكول سنتر والنبي

وازاي من الاخر ادخل النت عليه لجهاز تاني. هو مكانش بتاعي فمش انا اللي عملت الباسورد ومعنديش تواصل مع صحبته

I'm asking here because I think this would be a demographic that would have thought of this question. Or may know answers

Are there any things that do the opposite of hearing aids, they actually make you mute sounds around you?

And are there any cheap ways to make you able to mute sounds around you without it being expensive nor too uncomfortable? (I feel ear plugs and headphones are uncomfortable to wear for too long.. and they don't block sound enough)

I can feel my anger (and rage) being restricted. In my body I can feel it. It's FULLY restricted that it feels like a final decision.

I'm surrounded by things I dislike and can't do anything about it and that is so painful and hurtful

I'm also forced to be things I don't want to be or act like

A question that came up while I was thinking about this is "what do people do to different people?"

(Aka people who dare to be & speak in a way that shows them to be not like the "norm" and what's common and understood)

What do I do genuinely

(I'm looking both for help in this and for someone to talk to and hopefully seen by)

Edit: how..sadly ironic.. I got banned from this sub for something related to this.. the least I can say is I'm terrified. Terrified enough that my voice is gone. Which is what happens when my anger is suppressed

هل القطط ممكن تعمل كدا

هل اقدر استخدم القطة كصياد حشرات

اعمل اي حاجة الا اني اموتهم بنفسي مبعرفش اموتهم

The auditory stimulation. Seems more like auditory harassment. It's genuinely unbearable and I think I am going to go crazy over this

The world and especially this country is so fucking noisy for absolutely no good reason. The6 don't need to be doing all these sound. There's absolutely no purpose nor benefit for them. These people are just fucking insensitive

I think, if I'm not mistaken, the amount of noise they're doing for no good reason (all the time 24/7 btw) would be illegal in other countries. I really think it should be treated by the law here too.

The type of noise I'm talking about: OBNOXIOUS frequency of using car horns. OBNOXIOUS AND ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE. they would use horns like 10 times in 5 seconds. Or they'd press on the horn one time but for an obnoxious length. Like press on it for 7 seconds at a time. And now with how bad this sounds, imagine a whole street filled with vehicles doing that. Including buses and motorcycles. And some cars and vehicles seem to buy horns that are EXTREMELY LOUD that it's inhumane.. and some even have horn that have the sound of police and ambulance sirens. So even louder and more consistent

It fucking kills me to even walk. It's genuinely so excruciating.

These are the things I think should be illegal.

Also, other than that horrendous behaviour above, I also feel very hurt by other noises. That are not universally seen as obnoxious. Such as metro (subway) sounds that are very loud. Or any other noises I don't have a certain criteria for this

Now about how I (and the part of me) actually feels: I feel genuinely like I wanna commit violence and crimes in the street because of this. (DISCLAIMERR before Reddit police comes after me: no I won't actually do crimes but I get urges and violent impulses and imagining it)

I do not imagine myself hurting people tho. The urges I get are ones where I absolutely destroy their vehicle and especially the horn if they use it for no good reason again.

I feel so genuinely sad and in pain that the world doesn't care about how much I'm hurt by this and will continue doing it as if I should be okay with these sounds that are actually physically painful to me.

I am so pained and hurt by the fact that I should be in physical pain whenever I go outside. Even though I want to go outside and I feel good when I spend time outside in nice environments I don't like staying indoors all the time

I hate that even in the less obnoxious environments, everything is so loud and painful to me and I'm so destined to be in pain. Me specifically when I'm outside

Why do I live like this? Why should I live like this?

The pain I'm in is so profound and this post isn't capturing it. I don't wanna be isolated from the world b3cause people are selfish and everything is loud for no reason

Btw, I walk outside with my hands in my ears to try to block the sounds. I used to use ear plugs.. yet the sounds are never really fully blocked. I can still hear the sounds even if they're less loud. Because the problem isn't only loudness but also how there's a million sounds happening at the same time. For no good reason. Or even with a good reason. I still hate that it happens. It's affecting me too greatly

Also even if I cover my ears, it's exhausting to and I can't do it all the time or for long. If I wear ear plugs, even if they're the finest ever, they still feel like there's something in my ear... and i just also like to have my ears open and listen to the sounds around me. It feels good to be able to do so. Yet I can't. So this brings me back to the point of "I should be inherently uncomfortable and not able to experience joy at all when I'm outside (in most places or streets)"

This is really so bad for me that it reaches the point that makes this part of me dissociate

هعمل ايه في الهدوم الي ففي الغسالة دلوقتي

الغسالة بطلت تشتغل في نص الغسيل

Because then it wouldn't be a natural real relationship

And I'm unable to be in close relationships. What do I even do

I wouldn't mind being in a close very affectionate friendship that includes seeing and embracing me at my best and worst.. and includes physical touch and affection. But people seem to talk like these don't exist other than in a romantic relationship. Even though I disagree. But anyway I just want that