u/piaetra

Sorry if my grammar is not spot on, im not a native speaker.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years. I love him to death, he is kind with any type of living thing, he's smart af, makes me laugh daily and i'm lucky to have a partner with the same morals, values and life goals as me. He is the most caring and understandable boyfriend i could hope for, considering how difficult i am. Every day he proves his love for my with his actions and words. Honestly i feel like i don't deserve him.

Our intimate dinamic has been kinda the same from the beginning, then with me trying to express my wants only for the last years

He always initiated and we had a good sex life for the first couple of years, but after a while he expressed how he feels weird always being the only one to do it. He explained how he feels unwanted and like i'm not attracted to him (which is not true at all). I still replay in my head how he said he feels like a predator when for the last 2+ years he has been the only one to express the wish for sex in a direct way.

I tried to explain why that is. Basically i hate my body and feel unattractive at all. I feel awkward in/with my body and i have always had issues with asking for anything from anybody. When i was horny in the beginning i pretty much supressed it because he was doing something else. I know that's absurd, because its not like he could do nothing the whole day just waiting for me to ask for sex. I told him that and he said i shouldn't mind his activities, because anything can be paused or interrupted and also he would enjoy sex more than video games or youtube videos or whatever else.

Since then i tried doing it, but when i try by physical signs i guess it doesnt come across as asking for intimacy because we are usually physically affectionate, so he doesnt get it and i feel awkward insisting. When i try to verbalize it i spend so much time in my head looking for the right thing to say, or the right moment, that i get anxious and barely feel like being intimate anymore.

Until i got with him i never had this problem before, but that is only because my history with sex is pretty weird. I know i need therapy (like really bad) but we can barely afford to eat the last third of the month before the next paycheck, so for now i'll have to deal with my issues by myself.

I'm sick of self sabotaging my relationship (its not the only communication problem i have) and im heartbroken by how i make my boyfriend feel.

So, reddit, how the fuck do i get over myself and learn to communicate?

Sorry if my grammar is not spot on, im not a native speaker.

Me (26F) and my boyfriend (35M) have been together for 4 years. I love him to death, he is kind with any type of living thing, he's smart af, makes me laugh daily and i'm lucky to have a partner with the same morals, values and life goals as me. He is the most caring and understandable boyfriend i could hope for, considering how difficult i am. Every day he proves his love for my with his actions and words. Honestly i feel like i don't deserve him.

Our intimate dinamic has been kinda the same from the beginning, then with me trying to express my wants only for the last years

He always initiated and we had a good sex life for the first couple of years, but after a while he expressed how he feels weird always being the only one to do it. He explained how he feels unwanted and like i'm not attracted to him (which is not true at all). I still replay in my head how he said he feels like a predator when for the last 2+ years he has been the only one to express the wish for sex in a direct way.

I tried to explain why that is. Basically i hate my body and feel unattractive at all. I feel awkward in/with my body and i have always had issues with asking for anything from anybody. When i was horny in the beginning i pretty much supressed it because he was doing something else. I know that's absurd, because its not like he could do nothing the whole day just waiting for me to ask for sex. I told him that and he said i shouldn't mind his activities, because anything can be paused or interrupted and also he would enjoy sex more than video games or youtube videos or whatever else.

Since then i tried doing it, but when i try by physical signs i guess it doesnt come across as asking for intimacy because we are usually physically affectionate, so he doesnt get it and i feel awkward insisting. When i try to verbalize it i spend so much time in my head looking for the right thing to say, or the right moment, that i get anxious and barely feel like being intimate anymore.

Until i got with him i never had this problem before, but that is only because my history with sex is pretty weird. I know i need therapy (like really bad) but we can barely afford to eat the last third of the month before the next paycheck, so for now i'll have to deal with my issues by myself.

I'm sick of self sabotaging my relationship (its not the only communication problem i have) and im heartbroken by how i make my boyfriend feel.

So, reddit, how the fuck do i get over myself and learn to communicate?