u/pinktoygun

(part two to “where my golden children at”)

i know yall are out there, reveal yourself !

(i am actively trying to heal after almost breaking up with my partner who i love)

for some reason on my bus ride home i realized that i don’t think i’ve ever had a deep or meaningful connection with anyone in my life.

the most significant relationship i thought i had was with my mother but after my family shattered that dynamic vanished into thin air.
she may as well be a stranger now.

when i look at others i feel as though im looking through a pane of very thick glass.
maybe i was an alien beamed onto earth from a ufo instead of dropped by the stork ..!

i feel like i never see self admitted golden children on here
are any of yall out there it’s lonely up here 🗣️

i’m talking small things that make no sense, here are some of mine:

- when i’m in a public restroom and people come in to use it as well

-loud noises when im walking down the street (god bless noise cancelling airpods)

- hand dryers (too loud)

-when people are walking too closely/ fast behind me

- people being in a bad mood when i’m in a good mood

(this is long, disclaimer. just sharing some thoughts)

for my whole life my dream was to move out and get my own apartment that i could decorate.
in my low effort family the most important thing to everyone was space. space from each other, from the emptiness of the home. i remember how quiet my house was a lot lately.

i always believed my parents could do no wrong. they spoiled me and inflated my head to the max. i provided emotional
support for them individually as a child. i “looked out” for their wellbeing. i wanted to make sure they were okay.

of course, my relationship with my brother was extremely volatile. when we were alone things were usually okay. but when my parents were around something switched in my brain and they were the most important people to me, more than anyone. it was imperative that i defend them over him. they never corrected my overblown behavior. they let me be a tyrant and say all the things they wished they could say. i was full of anger from a young age because i was everyone’s mouthpiece.

now that im an adult and i have finally moved out (with much resistance from my mom), things have changed. my father moved away to florida after having an affair and i haven’t seen him in years. he sends me flowers or childhood photos once in a blue moon. my mother goes out nearly every day with her friends and seems to be having the time of her life but we call only occasionally. my brother and i don’t speak.

with the new space to be alone i have realized so
many eye opening things about my upbringing but the biggest thing i am struggling with is how little
my parents taught me about relationships and how superficial our relationships truly were. when we’re apart we may as well be strangers. they don’t care about my life, they only reach out to me because they’re lonely. when i moved out it was like a spell was broken. i physically couldn’t be enamored with them if i tried. the only thing i can feel now is discomfort and guilt about being so distant but then whose fault is that really?

all i can think about is how i really believed that
all the gifts and hours upon hours just watching tv somehow constituted a relationship. we never spent time as a family. we never had each others backs. there was always tension because we would interact individually. so my low contact, while a relief, also feels extremely strange to reflect on. it’s almost like my life until now was something i imagined.

i realized recently that i can stay stuck in the same mindset after splitting for around 3-5 days. the only thing that snaps me out of it is the other person getting turned off by my behavior. then the shame comes up and i have to scramble to think of an excuse that doesn’t boil down to “my brain decided i hate you a couple days ago”.

anyway how long can you split on someone (or yourself)

i can’t make friends because if people say something that i think is stupid i immediately don’t like them lmao

like if i hear someone espouse some unfounded conspiracy theory or say something that’s blatantly untrue i have no interest in getting to know them.

i can’t be friendly with people who believe things that i think are foolish, it triggers something in me where i just view them as beneath me honestly

classic narc girl moment ..!

theres a constant level of delusion that clouds your brain with this disorder or else you have to confront the truth of who you are and that is possibly a pain worse than death.
i say this because for me that manifested in this tortured sweet girl archetype i’ve created for myself even though i have unsurprisingly been the agitator in most if not all my relationships.

i knew that my sense of self was always inconsistent but i didn’t realize how much of a snake i am.
my whole life i’ve tried to appear one way towards the people closest to me but i’ve always had a journal or diary to unload the truth of how i feel. a while back i wrote a post about how someone had read my diary and it felt like a violation of my privacy but i wonder how anyone would feel if they read all the grievances ive written down as some misguided form of self-regulation.

i guess i believed if i could contain this dormant hate and bitterness to a book it wouldn’t poison my relationships but that’s not the case.
if every time i split i was able to write it down then maybe i would still have my friends and family in my life. this is probably the hardest part of npd for me.

idk if anyone relates ..!

theres a constant level of delusion that clouds your brain with this disorder or else you have to confront the truth of who you are and that is possibly a pain worse than death.
i say this because for me that manifested in this tortured sweet girl archetype i’ve created for myself even though i have unsurprisingly been the agitator in most if not all my relationships.

i knew that my sense of self was always inconsistent but i didn’t realize how much of a snake i am.
my whole life i’ve tried to appear one way towards the people closest to me but i’ve always had a journal or diary to unload the truth of how i feel. a while back i wrote a post about how someone had read my diary and it felt like a violation of my privacy but i wonder how anyone would feel if they read all the grievances ive written down as some misguided form of self-regulation.

i guess i believed if i could contain this dormant hate and bitterness to a book it wouldn’t poison my relationships but that’s not the case.
if every time i split i was able to write it down then maybe i would still have my friends and family in my life. this is probably the hardest part of npd for me.

idk if anyone relates ..!

i feel like therapy hasn’t really been meaningful for me and i’m kind of approaching a new chapter of my life where i realize the biggest thing bogging me down is just this baseline level of depression.

looking to trying meds to maybe stabilize my mood a bit, has anyone had some success w this? or share experiences if possible plz + thank you !