u/pleasegivemeavalidus

I lost count halfway through the episode. How many did y’all catch?

I have just started a new job about 1 month ago.

The first month was great. I felt mentally very happy and hopeful. No Depression, BPD in remission. I made lots of new friends and could be considered the most popular guy in the group. It felt like being at school again, except this time I was the popular kid that everyone wanted to hang out with. Everyone complimented me all the time, said how funny I was, how nice I was, how helpful I had been, how well dressed I am, etc. on the surface, everything was going so well… it seemed like I had finally found a decent corporate environment to work in that would not cause me mental distress.

But that all changed last Thursday. I was sat trying to work a case when a colleague approached me and asked for help. I told them I have ADHD and really struggle to focus, so I am unable to help because I don’t want to loose my train of thought on the case I was working on. I didn’t shout this or say it in a malicious tone, but I will admit I did sound frustrated.

My colleague (let’s call her Alex) was understanding and left me alone. However, another colleague (let’s call her Mary) approached Alex and started insinuating that I had told her off and was mean. They were saying this right next to me, not as discreetly as they thought they were. Alex actually went as far as defending me and telling Mary that I had not told her off, which I appreciated.

I was pretty pissed off by Alex trying to stir the pot and create a scenario that just wasn’t true. On my way outside of work another colleague (let’s call her Gemma), who was sat in front of me when this all happened, asked if I was okay. I said I was just a bit frustrated due to my ADHD.

By Thursday evening I could feel myself start to split.

The following day whilst I was sat at my desk, I could overhear Gemma in front talking to one of her colleagues about me. They mentioned the ADHD diagnosis so I knew they were talking about me. From the tone of the conversation, it sounded like they had taken Mary’s position that I was mean and had told Alex off.

And that was the beginning of the end. I spent all weekend fantasising about not sitting next to them during lunch anymore and distancing myself from them. I wanted to isolate myself from them because I perceived them as bad people that went against me and acted very fake. It particularly hurt because prior to this I was on very good terms with Mary and Gemma. I even helped Mary sort out an IT issue she was having with her system during my break. And I had given Gemma one of my painkillers when she told me she was having a migraine.

So Monday arrives and I immediately notice Gemma, Mary and other colleagues are not talking to me. I then reciprocated by doing the same. I didn’t sit with the group during our mutual lunch break. During our 2x 15 min breaks I just proceeded to put my headphones on so that no one could talk to me. At the end of the shift, Gemma said goodbye to me and I replied back not even looking at her and sounding very cold. Throughout the shift I felt so angry, anything Gemma, Mary and other colleagues did deeply irritated me and filled me with disgust. I was so consumed by these feelings I barely got any work done.

I feel like this is the beginning of the end and it’s only Monday. I have the entire week still to go endure this. It just sucks going from the most popular person in the group to the social outcast over something that wasn’t even my fault.

I just can’t cope with corporate environments. This crap always happens to me. Everything starts off great and then I split, isolate myself and become persona non grata. I can already feel most of my colleagues distancing themselves from me and giving me odd looks.

In a nutshell, having BPD is hell. Rant over. Just wanted to express myself and let it all out. Thank you for reading this.

For context, I am a 28 year old male with a lovely combination of BPD, Autism, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and Fibromyalgia. Currently taking Fluoxetine, Quetiapine and Ritalin.