u/poikilothermic_frog

Mention of SA

In 2024, I moved out for studies (temporarily). It was way far from home. First 6 months went relatively good. Making new friends, going to classes, having night walks and all.

After a while I started feeling extremely low. Stopped eating properly, sleeping, concentration lost. Stopped attending classes regularly. Grades fell. At that time I was single, had a few friends in the dorm but due to vacation they all were at their homes. So obviously I was bored and feeling quite alone.

A few days later, it was my 19th birthday. Now I never celebrated my birthday tbh, i didn't have any plans that day as well. Just a small domino's pizza as dinner. That's it.

That night I was scrolling through my insta message request and saw this guy,, he wasn't good looking good looking. But was decent. Lived not too far. He texted me a hi hello something. I replied. And I thought this guy was easy to talk to. Obv in a few days he became (at that time) my only guy friend.

So he asked me out and I agreed. The next morning he calls me and says "hey, actually I'm caught in some work, can you drop by my place?? Then we can go to the cafe together?"

Now despite my better judgement, I agreed. Because I was fucking lonely and dumb. I thought it's alright.

Now he had the whole birthday cake situation planned at his place. So I was lil surprised. Because again, no one ever did anything for me so for me it was like "omggg"

Anyways, after the cake situation, this guy grabs my hand and leans to kiss me. I move away, because we just met?? And this man guilt tripped me saying I'm being ungrateful. He planned so much and I can't even kiss him 🤡🤡

This man kept nagging. Undressing me. Despite me saying no multiple times. And how I do want it but I'm confused. So I kinda stopped responding at all. He had his way with me.

In a while, he pushes it in my ass and I fucking cried because it hurt. He told me it's alright, it'll feel good. Then when I was fucking sobbing and begging him to pull it out, he did. Afterwards (Obv he couldn't make me finish) I grabbed my clothes and was about to leave, he like "the good guy" he is, dropped me to my dorm. I was still completely in shock.

Also, he didn't use condoms. I was very paranoid but he told me I don't need plan B since he finished outside. After coming back to my dorm, I took it without telling him.

That following night this guy facetimes me, I pick up (in my head I was convinced that he probably likes me and I'm overreacting),, this man kept insisting show me your 🍒. Now I might be dumb but not that much do do that on camera. So I got irritated and cut the call. For the next two days he kept calling me, saying sorry and shit.

On the third day, he came to my dorm (outside) and begged me to give him another chance and he did a mistake. So I did 🤡🤡,, this man again a few days later he did the same thing again, then dropped me off at home.

Now listen,, this was the first man to touch me like that and I was very much naive, so i tried telling myself this is how it's supposed to be. But even then the second time when it was happening, this guy made me suck his thing (3 inches if I'm not wrong) despite me saying no. (I threw up after coming back, couldn't eat for 2 days)

So all I can think of was when I read those romance books, the guys weren't like this. They were respectful to their women and shi.

Anyways, I tell him I can't do it. The relationship won't work out.

Called my dad that I'm sick and want to move back home. He didn't ask questions.

It's been more than 2 years since it happened. Never went on a date with anyone else. I fear men even slightly touching me. I felt dirty for months. Over thought what my future man will think if he knew this. Idk how to cope with the situation. I don't talk about it. Make jokes but I hate myself for being dumb. My first time wasn't supposed to be fucking assault. I just told my best friend about it and now posting here. Nobody will probably read this long post but I had to unload here. Even while writing this, I'm sobbing.