u/poplopleptic

I just find it funny. I was thinking about what my ideal height difference would be in a relationship, not that it really matters. I thought an 6-8 inch height difference sounds most attractive, which is vain, I know. So I calculated the difference, and that only comes out to 5’6 or 5’4 in comparison to my own height. Can I even say I’ve got a thing for tall people? Not technically. In comparison to myself though? For sure. Doesn’t mean I’ve dated a lot of tall people though. My longest relationship was with someone who’s 2 inches shorter than me. Still though, I like the idea of putting my face in someone’s neck and feeling nice and safe.

I feel like I’ll never be me. Before I used to be so confident telling people I’m a man, but I got so used to being in the closet after a while. Frankly, I don’t like wearing masculine clothes. I look better in feminine attire, and I love a nice long skirt. It’s hard to be that way and not pass in the least bit. If I looked masculine, or sounded like it, maybe I’d feel better. I’ve just been so unsure.

People always without fail automatically assume I’m a girl. I’ve been told I’m 100% girl, and on the outside? Yeah, probably. Inside me though? 100% boy. I do not question that. If I was born male I would not question my gender, even when I mostly wear feminine things and talk in such a manner. I can’t explain what’s in my heart, you know?

Lately the gender dysphoria has just gotten so abhorrent for me. I’m a man. I want to be seen as the man I always have been. Except, I don’t want to deny my femininity. That’s crucial to who I am. I used to be okay with not being transitioned and knowing in my heart that I’m male. It’s all about attitude and whatnot. Now it’s gotten so impossible. I’ve really had people discuss how female I am, and even blatantly talk about my vagina with no regard to my feelings. I didn’t have bottom dysphoria either.

It’s like I have this split thinking of obviously I’m a boy, but then why am I so girly? I can’t be a boy in that case! Which leads me to these panicked thoughts that I NEED TO TRANSITION NOW!!! Or I’ll die! It’s visceral! Yet it almost feels like I’m faking my transness. If I’m not a masculine man then,,, I’m a fraud. And every time I commit to being a woman, I feel like a big part of me dies. I’m just ranting before bed cause all of this has been on my mind for a few months.