u/possiblysalt

I had an abortion last September. My baby’s father ghosted me for 6 months right after. We ran into each other in March and he begged me to get back together. He said he couldn’t be around me because of how mean (hormones were overwhelming) I would get, he was worried I would drink and get depressed afterwards. I didn’t drink or get depressed until he spent weeks trying to get back together. It really messed me up mentally, the back and forth. I explained I could understand him wanting to leave because I can get self destructive when I’m grieving but for him to see I was doing better (I started school and started a business) and want to choose to be in my life again I felt wasn’t okay. We keep running into each other these past few months. I’m reminded how terrible things were dealing with the MA alone was, how he didn’t help financially and mentally. I really had to get my ass up from the ‘kitchen floor’ and take care of myself because no one was going to come and save me. I started drinking again, filled with resentment and anger towards him.
I have mix feelings about the MA. I miss my baby though I know the world we were living in wasn’t the kind I wanted to introduce my baby in. Our relationship was very on and off and toxic. I’m constantly wondering if I did this or that, it would’ve worked out but I know it wouldn’t have made a difference.
Any advice for MA guilt, toxic relationships and how to move forward in life?
Any support groups for MA? I really in need of some support. I’ve been fighting the urge to call him, but I know he’ll never have the answers or be able to fix any of it. I hate the feeling of wanting the person who hurt me to hold me. I know I may sound silly, but any gentle advice would be great. I’m open to answering questions. Thanks in advance.

I'm currently attending a massage therapy program to get licensed. My teacher is dating one of her former students, he just graduated the program a few weeks ago. She still allows him to sit in our class to 'help' and participate. Help as in, changing her powerpoint slides as she demos, carrying her things in and out of class, partnering up if we don't have an even amount of us (though we can ask others within the school). Most times he'll wait in the car all day until break or when class is done. It's been making a few of us uncomfortable. He's started some drama between us, telling our teacher we're talking bad about her. He's been giving some of us really harsh reviews on our massages. We can handle constructive criticism but saying comments like "maybe some day you'll be a good massage therapist." just seems more of a negative jab. When she asks if we want to partner up with him, most of us just suggest grabbing another student. Some days she'll just tell us he'll be there instead of asking. There also becomes tension if he gives another female attention. One of us did try emailing the director but it seemed to get brushed off. Any advice?