I think these pictures will post out of order-
Flourite Medusa carving
A really *rose* quartz
Some amethyst rainbows
Big-ass garnet 🤎
My solar system (moonstone, amazonite, smoky quartz, prasiolite, amethyst, aquamarine )
Garden quartz
Slice of seraphinite stalactite
And a little labradorite carving of a castle 🏰
Which means its time for phase 2-
Where it goes full kamekeze and plunges me into depths of unending rage and hatred until I smoke. It goes into a full toddler meltdown where nothing can satisfy the feeling. My brain is aware and awake and sober and loathes every single second of it. I hate existing. I hate having to feel my insides. I hate feeling hungry. I hate feeling this way period. I hate everyone. Everything. This existence is a curse and I am so filled with fury that I want to spontaneously combust and create a crater so large it levels a city. I crave violence and feel like I'm walking around just looking for a reason to find someone who deserves it and make them face the unending wrath inside me.
Its not like this feeling has an expiration date. Last time I tried to quit I raged for an entire month before I caved. I was mad or miserable with emotions the entire time. I fucking hate it.
I was driving home yesterday, seething, and I see a speed bag on the side of the road. Perfect I say. An appropriate and Big Brother™ approved outlet for all of these feelings.
So what do I do? I take it home. Secure the base. Wind up-
And fucking miss. Hit the plastic base where the ball attaches to the spring and very badly bruise my knuckles. Hurts so much I cant even keep punching. I fucking hate all of this so fucking much.
Hi-
A couple of days ago I got some weird. Weeeeeird bad body feelings after trying out a new vape cartridge (dispensary bought. Not experimental stuff).
Ive smoked for a decade and never encountered something that made me go "thats it. Im dying." When I saw that the feeling wasnt going away on its own, my anxiety took full control. Today I saw a doctor, got bloodwork done, and an x-ray. Maybe its something? I dont know yet.
This sensation hasn't left yet. Hit a few different vapes in the meantime... so like a couple days of tapering... but the sensation lingered/moved. Internally I cant stop freaking out. The ever-present feeling of **wrongness** is almost overwhelming. So... Weed doesn't make the feeling get better... it makes them feel worse even. and therefore I need to stop. Its either that or lose my marbles further. But previously it was what calmed me and quieted my mind... so in the face of not having that... ive just been freaking out. Like a panic attack simmering in the background thatll kick off the moment I acknowledge the feeling.
I feel like my timeliness are all screwed up. I was trying to get my ducks in a row and have an adequate framework in place before I quit. Get my mind medicated or something... so that cannabis wasnt the only thing I had. But this medical scare was so sudden that I think I have to pull the plug early. Which launches me into this whole second (thankfully more familiar) set of symptoms... so now even more of me feels awful. Barely eaten in the last 2 days. A couple protein shakes and a handful of corn chips and thats all ive been able to stomach- goal for right now is trying to keep water down as Im so dehydrated from puking.
Side note- If I had a nickel for every time I try and quit RIGHT after replenishing my stock, id have 2 nickels. Not a lot but weird that it happened twice.