u/professional-skeptic

i know everyone in here isn't talking about shitting clits all the time, there's a ton of minor quotes that are so perfect for real life

also i work w children so i have to watch my fucking potty mouth

- "why is this my hair"
- "new __ now" whenever management tries (and fails) to make changes
- "i'm so tired i could sleep a horse"
- "the incompetence in this ___ is STA-GER-ING"
- "it's time o'clock!!!" my kids love this one
- "it's like trying to explain gravity to a chicken"
- "s/he walked through a glass door" has become an inside joke when someone does something embarrassing at work

Yes, I know the title is insane, but hear me out.

A bunch of years ago, I went on a trip to Europe. I got drunk with some friends in a pub, and this guy offered me 5000€ to "keep something for him for a while". I figured he wanted me to smuggle drugs or something, but I was drunk, and he clarified it was not drugs, and I was going to be broke as hell after the trip. So I took the money. I barely remember anything else from that night. I didn't give him my name or number, and I wasn't even from Europe, so it would be difficult to track me down. I regretted it, obviously, and I didn't touch the cash at all for a while. But I needed a new apartment, and then three months after walking on eggshells, nothing happened. So I figured it was fine.

I honestly thought it was all over, but then about a year later, I got a package. A coffin. A fucking coffin, locked up, and a key. These delivery guys dropped it off and promptly skedaddled. And on it was written "do not open".

So obviously I didn't fucking open it. I just avoided it for a while. I was pretty sure there wasn't a body in there, because after a week or two, there was still no smell, not even formaldehyde.

I kept it for almost a year. When it rained, the coffin would make weird noises, almost a moaning, but I figured it was just the wood creaking from the moisture, and I played music to drown it out. I also started sleepwalking. I'd wake up with the key in my hand, trying to open the coffin. Super weird stuff. I really didn't want to open that thing, so I did what I used to do to reward myself for studying. I put the key in a bowl of water and froze it. I used to freeze candies, and as they would melt, I'd have studied.

So any time I woke up with a block of ice melting in my hands, I just put it back and went to sleep. You can get used to anything. And I was in my great new apartment, so I refused to back down.

Eventually the same delivery guys came and took the coffin. No further explanation given, and they never contacted me again. The coffin looked and sounded heavy, but by the end, I was still entirely unsure if there was anything inside. Either way, I didn't want to know.

I never told anyone about this, obviously, until now. I just got married, and told my wife this story as a recollection of drunken escapades of mine. She was horrified. She couldn't believe I wouldn't immediately go to the police, and she's crying in our bedroom and talking about moving in with her sister.

I tried to explain to her that it was just such a weird, scary story, that I didn't mean to get involved, that I was young and dumb and finally, that I was *pretty sure* there wasn't actually a dead body in there. That was apparently the worst thing I could have said. She told her sister, and her sister was equally horrified.

I don't want to tell this story to anyone else in my life. Guys, am I crazy? Is this way worse than I thought it was? I can't understand why she's so worked up about this. It's been years, we're not in any danger. AITA?

>!this is episode 2 of "the magnus archives", "do not open", i highly recommend!!<