u/psychedAddict123

and it drives me insane

I'm struggling a lot with this. A couple years ago I started to put a lot more effort into my appearance (skin care, dressing well, gym + diet etc) and with that came a significant increase in female attention. Lot's of looks + smiles, women being very friendly towards me and sometimes even getting approached by random women

This sounds nice in theory but for me it's honestly torture because my self confidence is below zero when it comes to women because of my AGP. This has always been the case but the increase in opportunities makes it a lot worse for me

I'm extremely scared of giving it a try and then not being able to perform (again) or even worse: opening up about my agp to them or them finding out on their own (I'd rather die tbh). It gets so bad that when I interact with an attractive woman on a day where I have indulged in AGP before, I can barely look them in the eyes because of all the shame I feel

All in all this leads to me automatically rejecting myself everytime an opportunity arises and then feeling like shit afterwards.

Did anyone else experience something like that and managed to overcome the mental issue? I crave romance and connection but I'm so scared of letting anyone get too close. This has lead to me staying alone forever...

I'm really struggling with the fear that it will never get better. That I will never find love, that I'll never be happy as a man and also that my desire to be a woman will never come true but still torture me every day for the rest of my life. I fear that I will remain extremely lonely forever

No matter what I try or how much I improve my life in other areas, the depression just never goes away. This makes it very hard for me to find any motivation or even form any long term goals because I don't see the point if I will still remain unhappy. The negative thoughts are present 24/7

So what keeps you going? How did you find happiness or a purpose?

Is anyone else here functionally asexual because of their AGP despite having a generally high libido?

I constantly fantasize about sex but I'm always a woman and having sex with (abstract) men in them. I can't even force a successful sexual fantasy where I'm a man - neither with women nor with other men. I also can't force sexual fantasies where I'm a trans woman in them - it only works as a cis woman, which I'm obviously not

This makes me sexually incompatible with everyone and therefore functionally asexual despite having a pretty high libido. It's not only extremely frustrating, it also dooms me to a life of permanent loneliness and sadness.

I hate it

Over the many years I've been struggling with this I've noticed a pattern:

When I'm with friends or other people I like and have a fun time, I often don't think about AGP or my gender at all. I'm just enjoying the moment.

However as soon as I'm alone the thoughts start again and the longer I'm alone, the more intense it gets. After a couple days of little to no social contact, AGP and the desire to be a woman is the only thing I can think about.

There are some exceptions to this as in if I experience a strong trigger, then I will also think about AGP/gender when I'm with other people but overall I can say: The more alone I am, the more I obsess about gender. It has been this way since I was a kid.

Does anyone else experience something similar?

Yesterday I wasn't feeling too well mentally so I indulged in AGP as an escape. I opened a porn site and stumbled upon a couple I have never seen before and watched a bunch of their videos. These were both very attractive, fit people in their early to mid 20s and there was something different about their videos.

You could really see the love and the passion on their faces the whole time they did stuff. How much they longed for eachother. I'm not gonna lie I found it very hot in the moment but once I was finished a sudden wave of sadness hit me hard, resulting in an existential crisis.

The only thing I could think about was that I never had that and most likely never will... The love they had for eachother, the pure lust on their faces and the passionate sex... the one thing that makes life worth living is something I will just never experience because I'm broken beyond repair. The image of the couple was burned into my brain for the rest of the day and even at night while I was sleeping.

Then today I was at a festival with friends and put on my usual mask to not let them know something is wrong. The whole time I was there I couldn't stop myself from looking at the women there and wonder if for them it's just normal... if they will go home later and experience the same passion the couple had in the video... if that's the reason why they looked so happy...

I held it together there but as soon as I was alone in my car I broke down and started crying.

Now I'm sitting on the couch in my empty house and wait for the mitragynine to kick in, numbing my feelings just enough so I can distract myself and fall asleep later. Then tomorrow I will feel the same way again. And the day after tomorrow. And the next week, the next month and the next year... I will feel like this for the rest of my life until it's over.

I hate that I have to be this way and it sucks that I will never experience happiness in the one life I have

So I'm currently on my third playthrough after not having played for a year. I'm exactly before the point of no return so I decided to just walk around the map in immersive mode and try out different loadouts

After running around for a bit I decided to visit Wild Island. I remember from my last playthrough that it should be empty and on the way there everything seemed fine. I took the entrance the story first takes you to. I got close to the door when I suddenly saw 5 Monolithians standing in front of the door who instantly became hostile. I managed to kill them but then another 10+ came out of the door... This went on for a while and I bearly managed to kill them all. Afterwards my gear was damaged and I was almost out of AP ammo but I got some nice loot from the 50+ Monolithians I've just killed.

I saved and decided to drop my loot at the stash box inside the base. I opened the first door and nothing.. then I opened the second door and ran into 15+ Monolithians who killed me almost instantly lol

I loaded my safe, dropped some loot and decided to try another entrance (by the Waste Processing Facility). I got close to the wall and ran into a Duty patrol so everything seemed fine until all hell broke loose. The wall was full of Monolithians with exos and late game guns. They absolutely slaughtered the Duty guys while I took cover. I equipped a SVU I had looted before and managed to take all the Monolithians out and then climbed on the wall + looted them.

Now I was at my carry limit and hoped that the base itself might be empty so I could drop my loot. Well, I was wrong.. When I reached the base I saw 20+ Monolithians running to the main entrance of Wild Island. I tried to sneak past them but when I opened the door to Shelter, an exo Monolithian with a shotgun was standing directly in my face. I tried to run away but got killed rather quickly.

I loaded my safe and decided to head to Quiet's Camp to drop my loot and exchange my broken loadout to a fully functional one and take stronger guns. At the camp there were some bandits but no Monolithians. I dropped my loot into the stash and took my fully upgraded SVU + Dnipro and 200 rounds 7.62 AP ammo. Then I went back to the island to check it out.

At the shore there was only one Monolithian who I quickly took out before heading up the stairs to the proper base. There I hid behind some concrete pilars where I had a good view of the main area. I saw one exo standing in front of the base door, one patrolling around, 3 on the first level balcony and 2 on the roof over the main entrance to Wild island. I also noticed that every ~20 seconds 2 or 3 would spawn and head towards the main entrance. I managed to take them out and entered Shelter which was empty this time... I dropped the loot into the stash and went out again.

When I walked passed the bunker I saw some x on the compass, indicating dead bodies in the bunker. I decided to check it out and see what happened to the professor and maybe talk to him. The two dead bodies seemed to have been placed there manually and the rest of the bunker was empty... at least that's what I thought. I turned a corner when there was suddenly a guy shooting at me. I just fired one shot of my pistol out of the hip, instantly killing him. Then I noticed who I just killed, it was the fucking professor who for some reason was hostile towards me lol. I felt bad and reloaded my safe.

So my question to my fellow stalkers: Is Wild Island also bugged for you if you are right before the point of no return? Currently it's almost a no go area lol