u/psychmonkies

This is Buddy, my 16yo Yorkie.

To call him my best friend is such an understatement. We grew up together (the child in pic 3 is me as a 10yo on the day we met). He was my ESA up until a couple years ago when his needs as an old man became more demanding. He’s been there for me more than any single human. He’s met every boyfriend I’ve had, he’s been there for every heartbreak, & he’s gone through every life transition with me. For most of his life, I have loved him harder than anyone or anything else in my life. My relationship with his as his dog mom has played a foundational role in who I am today.

In the last couple of years, he’s developed cataracts that have slowly progressed & his hearing has faded. Then a year ago, he was diagnosed with kidney disease, his BUN levels were literally off the charts (over 100). So he started requiring special care. A couple months later, he was diagnosed with pancreatitis & had to be hospitalized for a couple days. Not long after that, he damaged his K9 teeth & a few others while trying to pry himself out of his pen while I was gone. He had to have dental surgery, leaving him with few teeth left. After that, he required more strict & specific care. He’s always been so spoiled, so I was perfectly willing to put in the extra work, time, & money to meet his needs & makes things as easy as possible for him. A couple months ago, he also damaged his cornea from bumping into things (he’s almost entirely blind now) & had to have antibiotics & eye drops to treat.

In the past 1-2 months, I’ve had to start seriously considering euthanasia. Yesterday he had what I believe would’ve been his last typical vet appointment before euthanasia. They ran blood work & surprisingly, most of his blood levels came back pretty normal with the exception of his kidneys, but even still, those levels didn’t indicate his kidneys have gotten much worse.

So part of me feels guilty, like is it too early? He’s not like catatonic or anything, he can still walk around fine, he surprisingly still has a normal appetite. I hear these stories of people having to take their pets to be euthanized when it’s very clear it’s time, when they can barely move or eat. But I really really don’t want to wait until my Bubs is suffering like that. At this point, he’s already lost his abilities to see & hear (mostly), jump, scratch with his back legs, & clean himself. He pees so frequently that he has to wear diapers & recently, he’s started to accidentally poop himself while sleeps & in the bath. Sometimes he needs help finding me or his food. He still has energy & sometimes shows enthusiasm, but recently, once every 1-2 weeks he’ll have a day of lethargy, vomiting, & diarrhea. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep him hydrated, even though he gets weekly subQ fluids, I put extra water in his food, & sometimes I have to give him water through a syringe. Sometimes he seems aware of his surroundings, but often he seems easily lost or confused. The main thing he knows for sure is *me* & that he’s safe with me.

But I also know that the main reason he’s even doing as well as he is is bc of how much I do to care for him. But unfortunately it’s just becoming more difficult. I’m currently in grad school & have been taking a break this summer to focus on him, but I eventually need to start taking classes again ASAP. I also have not been working & desperately need to get a job, but I feel like if I do, he’ll just take a sharp decline. So I have this pressure that in order to get on with my life, I’m going to need to say goodbye to him.

I think I’m fairly confident in making this decision soon, probably within a week, but I’d really like to hear others’ personal stories about making this decision, saying goodbye to their dogs, how hard it was & how you coped, for anyone comfortable with sharing. This is going to be by far be the saddest experience of my life. I’ve never lost someone this close to me (idk if I’ve ever been this close to anyone else) & I’ve also never had to put down a pet of mine before. If anyone has anything they’d like to share about what they learned from the experience, helpful ways of looking at it, things that helped with the grieving process, etc. it would be much appreciated. Please & thank you ❤️❤️❤️

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Edit: I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention, but I love to see Buddy getting so much love & attention ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you so much everyone who’s commented. I will definitely be using this post as resource to some very helpful thoughts & suggestions written in the comments. I truly appreciate the stories, support, & compassion you guys have given me. ❤️❤️❤️