u/purplefinch022

If someone experiences psychosis / total disintegration of self (catatonia, very severe aggression and paranoia, age regression, depersonalization and derealization, hallucinations) yet only in the context of attachment relationships - particularly when it comes to abandonment / engulfment, mortality (paired with a psychotic denial of loss of loved one), and loss of external objects, *what is really happening*?

I’ve read that the person may beable to accept death if they are merging with someone else / recreating a symbiosis. Is a part of the psyche stuck in symbiosis due to trauma? How does this get resolved?

I have *genuine* interests, hobbies, and talents. Yet once I bring others into them, share, they are convoluted by my ego. The need to be better than the next person. The need to brag.

Someone once told me the true self is the you that does things and tells no one about them. It’s quiet, and you do it just for you. If you do something and show it off it becomes supply.
I can and do these things by myself, and feel fulfilled. Honestly? I feel better than if I were to ever share with others.

Normal people collaborate with their friends on interests, celebrate each other’s successes. They also work hard? I am competitive. I spend time alone working hard on my craft, and don’t spend time with others. I hate the pressure that comes with that. I especially hate hanging out one on one with people who share my same interests because it becomes a competition. What if they outshine me? Ugh. Why? Groups? That is okay. I actually love that. I love the sense of community.

I have a friend that has almost *identical interests* to me, and she also shares a lot of similar trauma. We are VERY similar. I feel the need to one up her and justify reasons I’m better than her in my mind. Objectively I know this isn’t right. It’s horrible, because I do know how much the interests mean to her and her mental health also. It’s very odd… it’s as if she represents my true self, and I think that’s why it brings up discomfort and disgust. She is MUCH more outwardly affectionate, expressive, outwardly emotional (more than the average person), and extremely vulnerable…which can make me devalue her sometimes because I’m so repressed. Example: rage crying or crying to songs in your car. I do this all the time alone with the windows rolled up. She does it rolled down, and with others in the car.
Parts she shows to the world are parts I don’t often dare to show others, or only did when I was young. She’s a very sweet and loving person.
Yet, the envy and competitiveness simmers and sometimes manifests physically. I get so upset, because her existence means my relationship with such hobbies is shared, which means I’m not special. It means they aren’t mine to possess. Some of these hobbies are the only things that helped me through collapse and suicidal ideation. Which makes me extremely angry. Last time we hung out, I started feeling very connected to her and even loving, crying even. Then in the same day split on her when she expressed strong emotions, derealized so badly, and was crying and hyperventilating. I feel like my relationship with her is a challenge from the universe or something.

Why can’t I just enjoy life and stop needing to have an angle on everyone. Because these hobbies, these talents, they truly do make me very happy.

Writing this out I feel disgusted with myself, ashamed, because morally I know it’s wrong - but I can’t seem to ever stop? Anyone I get close too - I idealize them and love that high, use them for regulation / self esteem and emotions, then I lose interest, struggle to care about anything they say. I start feeling bored, agitated. I discard them. Sometimes this happens in days or weeks. It is so pathological . This is also with objects and things, because I was given new toys constantly.

I have no idea what to do, aside from stay away from people. This is all I am capable of. Idealize, use, discard.

Something I noticed is when I do feel
things like affective empathy, it is so overwhelming it causes me to shake and lose ability to cognitively function. It becomes so intense I start crying and sometimes shaking with rage. When something highly distressing happens around me / others are upset around me I absorb it like a sponge and get extremely dysregulated. The only thing that keeps me from total flooding is dissociation and blacking out. This is something my therapist and I are working on.

Note: hanging out with someone and completely dissociating the entire time, because if I start to feel vulnerable or intimate it feels like flooding and fear of abandonment x50000. Unbearable longings and clinging.

Like actually if I were to genuinely feel all the time I think I’d go insane. It’s ironic that I’m a narcissist but also deeply traumatized and emotionally impacted by subtle things.

I’d love to hear anyone else’s experiences or solutions?

I want to talk about myself and tell people what I like and dislike and scream look at me!!! Like pay attention to me fuck - validate my thoughts, don’t put them down! This is what I think, this is what I like. For so long I’ve had to just pretend I have no opinions different than my family. I’m like a kid who wants attention!!! Fucking sue me!

How would a thin skinned patient, self aware with NPD confront their grandiosity without total annihilation of their ego? The grandiosity seems to act as a shield beneath unbearable effects and total loss of self. *When it’s confronted the person becomes unable to function or strive for ANYTHING*. “Normal”people have goals. Say the patient is aware of their vulnerabilities and weaknesses in academic and social functioning and works tirelessly to achieve better as to not be exposed. I see a lot of posts about narcissists being socially inept and struggling with daily functions. So, how does this improve without grandiosity? I feel like telling someone who exaggerates their intelligence they aren’t smart at all is counter productive. What is the proper correction? What is realistic integration in treatment?

How is this good exactly? Everyone says to collapse and feel vulnerable feelings that we split off. It feels unbearable when I’m not getting attention and I feel like a 3-5 year old that is stomping their feet for praise and love. And the envy actually makes my body feel on fire and physically burn. Like yeah okay. Everyone wants me to be my true self (not really). When I talk about myself (I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing that! Yay being a narcissist!!! It’s so great) and someone doesn’t listen or respond in a way I want - I could get angry and cry and show my real self. Or I could dissociate and pretend it’s not an issue to blend in with society. What’s the choice? 😊

Oh and yeah idk if this is fucking symptoms of something else but I experience black outs and completely forget talking about something before. I sometimes catch myself talking about the same stuff, but I rarely ever really retain information.

The grandiosity helps me manage social interacts and not feel like hurting someone and screaming violently when I’m not getting attention.

Hey! I have really bad dissociation and fragmentation (fragmented sense of self) due to chronic child abuse and neglect. The dissociative parts allow me to function in the day to day life. When I got connected to my emotions a while ago, it was so intense that I felt like I was going to die from the overwhelm. I was hospitalized. The rage and anxiety I had repressed was terrifying, and the abandonment fears and fragmentation was so bad. I couldn’t sleep at night because I was so afraid. I hadn’t felt emotions since I was under 10 years old. When I felt them I actually believed I was that age and age regressed severely (which leads me to believe I have something close to DID). I have amnesia and have blacked out a lot of the abuse.

I have personality disorders and likely an OSDD system. Despite the scary dip and crisis last year when reconnecting with my emotions and body, I’ve been continuing with somatic therapy (acupuncture particularly). It’s helped me a lot in feeling less reactive and more grounded. I am not nearly as dissociated or paranoid in modern day life. It’s just any relationship context that brings up the severe dissociation and symptoms now.

I’ve been looking at Reiki and wondering if it would be good for me? I’m really, really interested. I want to continue to work with my body, as I believe that has the answers. I’m also a very spiritual person.

I notice how my loved ones say “I love you” to one another, hug each other, and compliment other people. I think I was 9 years old the last time I said I love you to my parents and meant it. I cry in private a lot about people I care about, so it’s not like I’m an emotionless monster. Christ, I do really love some people in my life, but it’s usually when they’re far away from me I start crying about how much I do or about their lives and what they’ve gone through. The empathy just goes away because it feels so psychologically dangerous when someone is close.

I’m also so severely dissociated I don’t feel hugs. I just kind of pat people. Vulnerability with others triggers envy, fear, and shame. Simply saying “I’m so happy for you” or “I’m so proud of you” to someone feels like I’m gonna die. I am okay at holding someone’s hand, sitting with them in their distress and sometimes I start crying then and feeling with them or writing them a letter, a card - but really expressing gratitude and love verbally out loud is just so awkward and painful for me.