Faith is hard
To have faith in God is kinda hard to be honest. But here was a period in my life last year where I needed God to show up for me, but the kind of faith I needed to have I felt was a lot.
Many times I wanted to give up, I had to gaslight myself to believe the unbelievable. Things that defy logic. I thought “Why should this thing happen, it’s not right. What are the chances”. I was basically more naive than a child. And I consider myself more of a realistic person so it was really hard.
Day after day went but absolutely nothing happened. Even when I felt stupid. I couldn’t even tell people that I’m trusting God for this thing because they’ll laugh or just feel pity for how naive and ignorant I sound.
I remember writing at the back of my church note.. “ Trusting God is not as easy as it seems”.
There was a time that I was in a church service and I just zoned out because I didn’t have energy to believe that day and doubt overwhelmed me. I was so sad, you could literally see it in my posture.
But I had to pick myself up again the next day because I had no choice. The one thing that kept me going was
“well I’m still in the process and there’s still time for something to happen when it’s over then you can finally give up on God but for now there’s still a chance”
And tbh it was mentally exhausting and draining. There were plenty days I cried.
BUT….. after the craziest most draining, gaslighting naive, ignorant child like belief I had, GOD ACTUALLY SHOWED UP 😭😭. It was like a dream. I still can’t believe it. My friend still can’t even believe it. I am eternally thankful 🙏🏽.
Now the thing is, I know God can do anything but if it requires me to go back to that state of mental battle and depression then I’m genuinely scared to believe again 😭. I know I sound ungrateful but I am grateful. If He didn’t come through then I probably wouldn’t be alive by now honestly. I just don’t know if I have the strength again.
Btw I’m talking about believing God for a particular thing , not my belief in God.