u/randomfucjinggirl

So, my child is 5. It’s been him & I since he was a baby. Dad isn’t really in the picture, and I have limited support/village. It is rare for me to get a night off. This makes dating extremelyyyy hard.
I’ve considered inviting someone over after my child is asleep. He sleeps hard & always through the night. I of course worry about the safety. I’ve been talking to this guy for several weeks, and we haven’t had a chance to meet in person because our schedules are opposite &, well, I’m never kid-free.

Am I letting my desires take over the logical part of my brain? Would it be ridiculously stupid of me to invite someone I’ve never actually met in person to my home while my child is here?

Please be real with me, and give me some advice on how tf I’m supposed to survive the next 13 years😭

I had a child when I was young with a man who was never really in the picture. When my child was 1, I met another man and fell in love. I thought he was end-game; we were perfect. I introduced him to my kid. We moved in together. This man was essentially my child’s stepdad for 4 years.
Then, he started drinking. The relationship broke down. Trust was shattered. He showed sides of him that I didn’t know existed. I didn’t want to leave, but didn’t want my child growing up in a broken home. I didn’t want to be half-loved for the rest of my life. So I broke it off.
Now, all I can feel is guilt for taking my child away from someone who was pretty much considered ‘dad.’ They weren’t super close, and my ex was irritated by them often. My exes involvement in kiddos day-day life was minimal, despite us living together. But still, he was there. He was always there. I worry about the stability. I’ve asked my ex if he’ll want to see the kiddo, and he just says he’ll want to say goodbye. That when I’m with another guy, kiddo will forget about him anyway, so there’s no point to staying in touch.
I learned my lesson; regardless of my own dating life (or lack thereof) I will not be introducing my child to any future partners. I’d prefer to raise them alone and leave my dating life on the side, if I ever decide to get back out there.
My heart is broken for my kid, and for my ex. I can’t imagine loosing a child I thought of as my own. My child seems okay with not seeing my ex, which hurts in its own way. I feel selfish and my chest hurts.