u/rat_drink

This is something I’ve really wanted to talk about for months and months. But I was afraid of how communists would react. Maybe they would ridicule me. Plus, it just leans into the “unemployed communist” stereotype. I had a job for 8 months. A few days from being nine months. But I quit it in hopes I could find another that paid more without having another lined up.

I didn’t really think that would be that devastating of a choice since the first job I got, I applied online and got it in one try. But I’ve been unemployed for over 12 months. And for about 8 months or so of that, it was because I was afraid of getting another job. I didn’t like knowing that the work I put in wouldn’t get me anywhere. I didn’t expect this feeling to come back. In fact, I thought I beat it. And was confident I would find a new job in a matter of weeks. But I didn’t even want to look.

Eventually, this feeling sort of subsided, I guess. I wasn’t excited to get a job. But I’m pretty sure I can just push past it and deal with it. I’ve been looking for like 6 months. I’ve applied to literally every job that’s come up. ( I live in a small town so not many are here.) I’ve applied online, gone in person, called people back in hopes they’d hire me, and nothing.

I feel like a worthless person and a more worthless communist. I’ve done no organizing. I don’t know how to organize. But I figured the best way to learn was to get a job. Which I haven’t been able to do. I saw, several months ago, a communist on social media who called unemployed communists “losers.” And it stuck with me. I’ve thought about it ever since I saw it. I know it’s the internet/social media, and I probably shouldn’t care. But I can’t help it. I think I’m going to try to cut the time I’m on social media. I don’t know. Maybe you’ll agree with him.

There’s not really a purpose to this post. I just wanted to share my thoughts. I’ve been in a very bad mood for the last few days. Feel like blowing my brains out, which I always kinda feel like that, but this week especially. There are other things I want to talk about. Fully talk about. But I don’t have anyone in real life who’s a communist, so I always have to hide a bit of it from someone. So I just share it to other subreddits. And I don’t like talking about my unemployment with people. Especially not my friend group. I just want to get it out. This is my “no shame” week. Where I post things out of emotion with no shame or thought put into it.

Hello, everyone. I don’t really use Reddit. But I kinda like it. I like that there’s a place where people can talk about specific issues. Anyway. Where do I begin? I guess when I was 15 or so I started to realize, in my opinion, that my mom was a narcissist. I wish I could tell what made me realize that. But my brain has blocked out the memories. That’s gonna be a common theme. But I remember the feelings… the frustration I felt throughout my teenage years as I tried to make her see that she was at fault. And that she needed to apologize. But she never did. She made me feel like a piece of shit. And she made me feel suicidal.

But this is the biggest offense she ever did. It’s something that out of all the memories I’ve blocked out, this one I still remember. I was 17. And I got in a big fight with her. I can’t remember what about. But I remember that I complained she made me suicidal. And when the fight neared its end, I said I was gonna go to the main street bridge on jump off of it into the river below. I can’t remember her reaction. She maybe scoffed. Or said “oh my god” if a scoffy way. She does that a lot. But I lived out of town a little ways and didn’t have a car. So I walked to town, to the bridge. Which took about 20-30 minutes. And on the way to the bridge. I was so embarrassed. Cause I thought she was gonna pull up on the jeep next to me and beg me to get back in the car. Maybe get out of the car and force me in. But she never did. She never came for me.

I got to the bridge. And it was night. And I wondered why I should stay. If I wanted to stay. And I decided I would stay to get my diploma. (I didn’t suffer through math class for nothing 😉). And so I decided to stay and not jump. It’s a decision I regret. It was not worth it. But what’s funny, is that a car pulled up to the sidewalk part of the bridge. Which your not supposed to do. Kinda disrupting traffic. And I thinks it cause they knew what I was gonna do. They were gonna try to stop me. A stranger cared more than she did.

But I walked back home. Which took another 20-30 minutes. So at this point, after he son told her he was gonna go kill himself, I had been gone for an hour. And I wondered: “what could she be doing?” Pacing around? Were the cops gonna be at my house? Nope. I walked in and she sitting on her fat ass playing solitaire on her laptop. And at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I thought “oh that’s just how she is.” But as the days and weeks went on, I realized that she didn’t care about me. She didn’t care about emotions, that I had already learned through all our fights and her narcissism. But, I learned, she didn’t care about ME. Her son. She just didn’t care.

So that’s one example. A few more examples I could give was through me and my sister’s childhood. For me, she neglected to teach me how to shower and brush my teeth. She taught me one time for each. And maybe that’s enough for some kids. But it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t understanding I was supposed to do it everyday. So I ended up developing two giant holes in my teeth cause my teeth started to rot. I pointed this out to her one day and asked her if “it was normal.” And she looked in my mouth and scoffed, saying: “there’s no holes in your teeth.” On our first dentist visit, which was supposed to be a 30 minute long cleaning session, it ended up lasting two hours cause I had eight cavities. And they had to pull out multiple teeth. Two of which had holes in them. I got to keep those teeth. But after my parents divorce they got lost in the move. Id like to find them again. As proof.

As for showering. I guess maybe this isn’t an example of narcissism. But I just never really understood I was supposed to shower. And I had to slowly learn through middle school/ high school that I had to shower everyday and brush my teeth everyday. So I guess fuck her still.

As for my sister, my sister was raped when she was 16 and ended up getting pregnant from it. My sister suggested an abortion, which both my mom and dad ridiculed her for. But my mom gave her the silent treatment throughout the entirety of her pregnancy. That’s my only example with my sister. But what’s interesting, is that me and my sister seemed to be raised by two different mothers. My sister was constantly hounded for having bad hygiene. My mom didn’t give a shit about mine. My sister was taught life skills to help my mom (though my mom was not nice about her helping). My mom never taught me any.

I wanted to make this post cause me and her got in a fight a few days ago. We haven’t fought for two years or so. Mostly because I’ve given up trying to change her. But she did the laundry at the laundromat and brought it home. So I helped out the towels in the shelf. But the way she does it, she gets a majority of the towels in the shelf while I only get like half. I didn’t know her way. But she got made at me, and told me “this is gonna stop. You not helping me.” Or something like that. It’s only be two days and I’ve already forgot 😂. And I got mad. Because I’ve OFFERED my help all the time. In fact, I’ve begged to help. She’s always busy. Loves to overload her day with stupid bullshit. Bullshit I could help with. I asked her to teach me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to do dishes, how to clean the house, I asked her if I could help her mow the lawn. And the only things she lets me do is do the dishes (which she complains about because we had dirty tap water, but then we got like a purifier thing and she had a guy come in to “update” the purifier or something so that the water would be clean, but then he told me it was already the best it could be so that’s why I use the sink water to clean the dishes). And lets me do irrigation. I used to help her mow the lawn, but one time a few years ago, I guess I did it so badly that she just never let me do it again? Even though I’ve asked her to let me do it every time she mows so she doesn’t half to spend so much time out there mowing? I constantly begged her to teach me how to cook when I was 15. But she said the way we did it was “too complicated.” So I never learned. And the laundry, I mean do I WANT to spend three hours at a laundry mat seeing shit get cleaned? No. But if she asked me to, I wouldn’t say no. But knowing her, she’s probably still refuse if I asked.

What’s funny, is that when I was at my dads house for a dentist appointment, after me and mom got in a huge fight and she defacto kicked me out for two weeks since I had to my dads house anyway, I vented to him about how she made me feel and how I felt she was a narcissist. And he opened up to me about how his alcoholism, which had made me afraid of him during of him during childhood, was cause of how she treated him. Though to be fair, I would take that with a grain of salt. I hear of lot of contradicting stories about my family from my family. However, they also slept on different floors of my house and only ever interacted positively during Easter and Christmas so… he’s probably not lying 🙂. Anyway, when I was there, I asked my dad if he’d teach me how to cook, and he said yes! He taught me how to cook an egg! And it’s the only thing I know how to cook. No bullshit! No fuss! No excuses! He just acted like a parent to me! Could you believe it?!

Anyway, so after our fight a few days ago, I called her a narcissist during it. And she said “when you go to your dad’s house don’t come back” or something like that since my dentist appointment is coming up. So I might be getting kicked out again. She also said that the way I acted was like my brother in law. Who she thinks is a bum. My brother in law also suffers from seizures, but I think he could help my sister around the house a little more. I don’t know. I don’t really think about him. But that pissed me off too.

What’s interesting is that I’m 21, and I still live with her. I was surprised by that. I figured she’d kick me out at 18. But she’s let me stay… And I’ve had… maybe mental health problems? I don’t really know. But when I graduated I was like “I’m gonna get a job 😼 I’m gonna go to college for… something 😼” and then I was depressed almost up until I was 20 and eventually got my first job two days before I turned 20, but I quit that job twelve months ago, expecting that I’d get a job within a few weeks. But then I was hit with the wave of unexpected dread about getting another job cause I didn’t like how much time it took up in my day and how the pay couldn’t really afford me anything, so for eight months I didn’t even attempt to get one. But for the few months I have tried and they’ve all ignored me. But then I did get a job as a dishwasher which I quit on first day cause I hated it 🙂🫩 But she doesn’t… care? Is this not ammo for her? She just says “you’ll find something you’ll like.” She.. supports me… why? And that’s why I wonder if she’s a narcissist. She also has bought me expensive stuff in the past, like a ps5, a big tv, and a gaming computer. Even though I never asked for a big tv. I think she got that cause we got in shit, so I just said she could use it.

So am I just a bad son? Am I ungrateful? Is this normal stuff that happens to people? I see other people online talk about their strict parents, or their abusive parents, or their nice parents, and they all seem… fine. They seem like functional people. But I’m not functional. I’m a chud ☹️ People call me that. I don’t like that name but I thinks that’s what I am. So yeah, what do you think? I know one girl who’s seventeen and she has to pay rent to her controlling parents. And she has a job. And she’s been working for years. And I just entitled and pampered by her? Which has made me a bad son?

Hello, I don’t really use Reddit, so I don’t know if this post breaks the rules, but I really would like some advice from a communist perspective about an issue I’m having. Even if it’s the same advice I’d get from someone who isn’t a communist. I struggling to want a job.

I’ve actually already had a job. I got my first job two days before I turned 20 as a bakery clerk. And worked there for 8 months (almost nine months, it was like three days away from being nine.) I eventually quit. I didn’t like the low pay. I didn’t like that the management was pushing me to make this stupid food item even though I was already busy. They were changing the work hours. It was simple work. I even liked the job. But I didn’t like that the job didn’t provide for me and I thought I could do better. In hindsight this was a terrible decision but it’s too late now!

So I quit. And I was confident that I would find a new job in like two weeks of quitting. Cause when I got my bakery job, I did online and got an interview within a few days and got the job in that interview. So I figured it would be easy to get another one. I was on a “job high.” Confident that I could get something new and better. 🫩. It’s been 11 months 🙂 And admittedly, for a majority of that, I wasn’t looking for a job. I didn’t want a job. This feeling of not wanting a job came out of nowhere to me. Cause I had my job high! I thought I would just jump right back in. But then I thought about how meaningless it felt :( How I devoted all this time for nothing. And how it made me feel like my life was meaningless.

I feel like I’m back to being 18-19. Where I felt the same way. The way that I solved it back then was that I just jumped in. And hoped it would be good. Plus, I didn’t have any prior experience, so I didn’t really have anything to go off of. Anyway, so I was on the toilet one time and I got lectured by two 17 year olds who have their life infinitely more together than I do. And my former coworkers girlfriend (one of the 17 year olds) said that I liked living in misery. And that I wasn’t actually trying and that I needed to go out and give real applications cause online just wasn’t cutting it. So I did that. I stopped applying online (I had applied online to about 15 jobs or so. The farthest I got was a shadow shift where they then decided to choose someone else.) so I went and applied with real applications.

It worked! I got a job after applying to about 10 different places. I started my job at a restaurant/brewery. And… I quit on the first day 🙂 I worked as a dishwasher and hated every second of it. It wasn’t the kind of job for me. It was too still. Not enough moving but simultaneously too overwhelming of stuff to do. And I knew I wouldn’t make it there. So I quit cause I didn’t want to waste my time or theirs. Or, at least, that’s how I frame it. That happened like a month or two ago. I don’t know. I have a bad memory.

Anyway, so the way that this relates to communism is that I think communism had made my life worse. It’s made me miserable. Even more miserable than I was before. And I wanted to know if any of you had felt the same way and how you dealt with it. I’m tired of feeling useless. I hate that I’m a burden to my mom. I don’t really relate to my friends anymore because they all have jobs, and they’re fine with it (granted they’re not communists) and I feel like I can feel myself drifting away from them as they go further ahead and I get farther behind.

So yeah, I just wanted some advice. Or maybe you can berate me for being a chud.