Help me (24F) decode mixed signals from an older man (35M)
Hey, so I’m losing my mind and need you to tell me if I’m being an idiot.
I went to this public lecture hosted by mutual friends, then ended up at a bar with the lecturer (35M), his friend (40M), and a girl I know (23F). I know the ages sound weird, but in this group it’s normal — everyone is sort of friends with everyone. Plus, the guy in his fourties is married, so he went drinking with us more like a father figure.
Anyway, originally I was just gonna have a couple drinks with them because the lecturer knows a bunch of people I need for work contacts. But then I accidentally stayed the whole night and lowkey caught feelings for him. Which I normally wouldn’t even act on unless a guy pursues me first. But he sent so many mixed signals that now I’m fucked up about it.
Here’s the confusing stuff:
+ He complimented my hair (two braids — guys love them for some reason), my smile, and my voice. Then felt awkward about telling me. Then an hour later repeated himself, saying my hair and smile “just work together so well.”
+ Got a little jealous when I zoned out texting on my phone — asked if it was some guy texting me (it was lol).
+ Carried my bag, refused to give it to his friend. Seemed generally interested but in a playful way, not crossing any line. He was drunk though, so I figured he’d wake up and we'll never talk again bc he'll remember he’s out of my league socially. (Looks-wise? I don’t know. That’s a touchy subject for me, though I’ve been getting a lot attention lately, so eh probably not fugly)
+ Texted me first the next morning and keept texting me first a couple times. I initiated once. But my replies are way more lively than his — he’s a boring texter. Dry, not playful, might seem a bit off, like he's not really giving it too much attention? Maybe it’s the age gap or he’s just not chronically online.
But here’s the bad part:
- He’s divorced. Pretty sure recently. Wears his ex-wife’s hat — I asked about the hat randomly, and he explained how he hates hats and has a tiny head, and that’s the only one that fits, the one that he took from his ex-wife.
- His ex is genuinely beautiful. And she’s that natural clean granola-girl pretty, while I’m more of a witchy tomboy dirtbag. We’re actually the same genre of girl (outdoorsy history major), but she’s geniunly prettier in every way - skinnier, more graceful, better skin.
- He is handsome and he def knows it - which makes some dudes evil, they rarely know how to handle the attention lol
- Sent me a bunch of pics of his cat and jokingly “congratulated” me on getting on his cat-picture mailing list. And I know for a fact he sends them to other girls. I don’t wanna be one of many girls getting shirtless-adjacent cat pics — not sure if he’s being a fuckboy or just an extrovert attention-seeker, but it annoys me.
- He answers quickly on weekends (5–10 mins), but weekdays take 2–3 hours. He gets online, just doesn’t open my texts. And his replies have been slowing down gradually, which makes me sad. He is a very busy guy, but still - clear sign of him not being that into me.
I'd like to state that I'm very awawre of how insne I sound, it's just I lose my shit every time I actully like a guy. Idk it would make me kind of sad if he’s just using me for validation post-divorce. That being said, I don't know him good enough to be actually hurt by him not being in love with me - and would also be down to just casually fuck him lol (he’s exactly my type physically). I just want to stop overanalyzing and being terrified of what he might say next.
Would it be a bit pathetic and desperate if I asked him out for drinks this weekend? Even though he stopped texting me?