u/rennyrenrenny

I don't really know how to explain anything that I'm feeling right now. Some advice would be enjoyed, or somebody to validate me maybe?
I'm an 18(M)(trans) dating an (18)M guy. I got kicked out of my parents house about a year ago and now I live with him in our apartment that has both of our names on the lease. I have been the one paying the bills, as I am on SSI. He has the EBT card with him at all times. I cannot drive so I rely on him for transportation to important things such as appointments.
Lately it's gotten worse. I don't think he'll ever be who I fell in love with again. I don't know if that person ever existed. But I keep staying. Why do I keep staying? It's so textbook. I know that. I know what he does is not okay. I know logically, I NEED to leave, because it's not love. But every time I try, I let him talk me out of it. Today, I made the decision to go to a friend's house and reach out to a DV shelter near me. I am going tomorrow, hopefully, if I don't back out. I feel so humiliated. Adult Protective Services has came by twice now and both times I denied anything. I really wanted him to be the one I spend my life with. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. He convinced me I was in psychosis and I got involuntarily hospitalized about a month ago. He promised me that everything would be different; why did I believe that? It's only gotten worse. I know if I leave, I want to report him so that he understands what he did throughout our relationship wasn't okay. He gaslights me and I've fallen for it until a few days ago; he said, "if you don't go to sleep, I will hurt you". I know he's capable of doing that because he pins me down and all that jazz. Never any hitting. Just weird things like that where he swears that he was just trying to keep me safe. Anyway, he kept insisting that he worded it wrong- and then began telling me I heard it wrong. That he never said that. Ever since then, it feels like my illusion shattered. I can't understand why he would ever say or do the things he does. And he's admitted it's on purpose. He says he's just "like this". He'll never change. He asked me, "why are you with me if I'm so bad?". Idk either man. I just love him. It started as ignoring my boundaries and touching me without permission, and then became pinning me down, cornering me, stuff like that. The other day he trapped me in the bathroom with a knife but assured me it was okay because "he was trying to hide it from me"? Yeah. I know this isn't normal. I know he doesn't love me. I feel dumb for staying so long. Even after all the abuse, I still beg him like a little kid to rub my back so I can sleep. How am I supposed to continue my life without him? Who's gonna want me? Who's gonna rub my back? I don't know. I'm so conflicted. I want to be loved so bad.
Anyway, thank you for reading this, if you know anything about the DV shelter process please let me know a bit because I am very scared.