u/ripndipalways

Putting this in here as I feel the numbers involved can sometimes irk people on HousingUk

TL:DR live in an expensive 3 bed house as a singleton, or sell up and take the money because it may be easier to be commitment free in future.

Currently going through a breakup, and need to make a decision on what to do with the house…

I’m late thirties, and a few years ago we bought a 3 bed, 4 bath house (don’t ask me why someone thought you’d have 4 people needing to take a dump at the same time) Nice commuter town, 15 min walk to the train station with fast trains to London where I work.

Ex partner is moving country, so she’s out anyway. I’m trying to work out if I should just sell up, or try and take it on by myself. No kids. Had settled on being child free, but I am open to the possibility of kids. My partner wasn’t. Think I’m 60/40 to no kids/kids. I can see the benefits of both paths. She was also a HENRY so we were super comfortable with affordability.

Buying: House valued at £1.2-£1.3m I own £464k equity in the house. She’s owed around £100k equity. Mortgage of £610k left currently to pay. £12k early repayment charge until March.

I am very fortunate that I have some family willing to help me if I choose to stay. I think that could be between £200-£300k gift. I also have £200k saved for FIRE plans that I could put in.

I earn £100k basic, £50k bonus (solid for 4 years always paid out, not sales related) and about £10k per year from some side consulting gig.

I think I’d be comfortable with a £2k per month mortgage payment on my own. Bills would be around £700 a month. That would leave me enough to still have a comfortable lifestyle.

Selling up…

I could move to rent in a similar but slightly cheaper town that I had looked at previously for a bit. Could be good to have a new environment, new beginnings and all that. Would come out of it with a big chunk of cash that would give me a fair amount of freedom. Negatives are obviously going back to rented for a while, probably a flat, maybe not have parking and sell a car I love, feels like a bit of a step back in life.

Wouldn’t be tied to a family style house that might anchor me here a bit too much for future relationships. Can’t predict the future but I might meet someone who doesn’t want to move out to the burbs. And it can be awkward someone moving into someone else’s existing space.

I do love this house. I like being in a detached and not having to worry about annoying my neighbours with music.

I like that I have off street parking when a lot of stock here is terraced on-street parking and oversubscribed.

I like having outside space, growing veg, a garden, a log burner in winter. We’ve done some improvements that I like.

But there would be three bathrooms I’d never really use. Living in a town where Londoners move to, to have families doesn’t make it the best place to be single and find a partner in your late thirties. But I don’t want to move back to London. That’s off the cards.

Help me with some objective views, what would you do?

TL:dr partner wants to move away for two years regardless if i go with her.

My partner(37f) has received a project offer to go work in New York for two years, we live in europe, have been together for 5 years, own a house together, no kids and no plans for kids.

It’s a really great offer, amazing pay, company paying for all her relocation costs etc. She says being in New York has always been a dream of hers, and it’s too good of an opportunity to say no, she will never get a chance like this again. She wants to go, and has decided that she is going to say yes.

We are not married, neither of us believe in marriage. So I can’t go with her on her visa. We could get married, and then I may be able to go with her, but I might not be able to work.

I have a good career I’ve built in our home city. I have a great friendship group. I have a life I’ve built that I don’t want to give up. And frankly, the thought of getting married to someone at a time where they’ve decided to choose a job over a life with me seems like a bad idea.

When we first discussed this I said I could be supportive of a year project for her, we could do the long distance. Her work is insisting on two years as a minimum. She says if she’s completely honest she can’t guarantee that she’ll want to come back after two years if she loves it out there.

In the background of this, she’s admitted that she’s not happy with her life at the moment. We both have good jobs, but we work, eat, sleep repeat all week. She’s very stressed with her work and finding her life in Europe isn’t giving her any excitement or satisfaction.

So I’m stuck with three choices, none of which I like.

I can marry her, and go out with her, giving up everything I’ve built here but we stay together.

I can try the long distance, but frankly two years seems a very long time. And there is the risk at the end of it that she could decide not to come back.

Or I can end the relationship. She is free to go chase her dreams. We will have to sell the house, I’ll have to start my life all over again at 38 which seems incredibly daunting and upsetting.

So I’m just in real turmoil at the moment and looking for some opinions, alternative viewpoints I hadn’t considered, is the answer obvious to everyone else other than me?