I'm good at being alone but I don't want to be and now I'm worried it's too late
Turning 37 next month and grew up an only child with baby boomer parents who had me later than average. On my dad's side, I'm the only grandchild. On my mom's side, I have some cousins but my mom's emotional instability made contact with her side of the family pretty fraught, and besides - my cousins all come in sibling pairs so when I did see them oftentimes the siblings would for some reason exclusively play with each other and I'd just be stuck in a room with all the adults anyways.
My parents were determined that I wouldn't become "spoiled" and long story short I'm still working on not feeling guilty about expressing my needs or asking for things. I also wasn't allowed to watch tv, play video games, see certain movies or eat certain foods so was pretty ignorant of everything my peers were into, this meant making friends at school was a challenge. Adults loved me and I was constantly being called "wise beyond my years" or "an adult soul." I spent a lot of time entertaining myself and got really good at being solitary.
I evolved into an extreme people pleaser and stayed in two back to back unhealthy relationships in my early 20s just because I was desperate to feel a sense of family and connection. Then my dad died and my partner at the time was completely useless in supporting me, my mom was a mess, and I ended up handling the responsibility of notifying friends and relatives, writing the obituary, comforting all the crying people at the grave site, and then MC-ing the memorial service. I was praised for how composed and together I was. I went back to my city and job a week later.
My dad dying (and then my last living grandparent a few years later) shook loose something in me and I spent the next decade trying to make myself happy and give myself nice experiences and things. Broke up with my shitty ex, tried to support my mom while also setting boundaries with her, and experienced some relatively healthy relationships for a change, although they were short term. Did a lot of therapy. I finally cultivated a community of friends, I have hobbies, I live by myself in an apartment I've decorated to my liking with an amazing dog but I still just feel ... lonely a lot of the time. Pretty much all my friends have partners, siblings they're close to, best friends that aren't me, both parents still alive, family group chats - I know it's unhealthy to compare, and I've shared a lot of my history and experiences with them openly, but it's still hard.
Dating seems way more complicated than it was when I was younger - family is always such a common first or second date topic and I don't want to bum anyone out. I love my space and independence and don't necessarily want to move in with someone right away (or maybe ever) but I'm still craving connection and love and a witness to my life. I feel like I might have missed my window, or like I'm so used to being alone that it feels like that's the way it will always be. I definitely don't blame all of my issues on being an only child, and know I should continue to work on myself, but I don't know, I'm just tired and wanted to vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far.