u/sad_clown_shimmy

i'm (f28, partner is m32) currently 2 years into a relationship and i'm beginning to feel like i'm being taken advantage of. i can go into more details if needed, but... how can i be sure? i feel like i might be overreacting and not looking at things from all sides.

my therapist said i've been defending him and going out of my way to justify his actions like not taking me to work after he promised, bailing out on events right before they happen, not committing to helping me cook or clean, and always asking me for money.

but at the same time, i know he's had a very traumatic life and is dealing with a lot. he's depressed and spiraling downward and is frustrated about where he is in life. he got a final strike at his job for missing too many days and he seems super frustrated and guilty about it, but i can't help but feel like if he does get fired he won't get another job. and i can't support both of us.

i don't want to hurt him. but i haven't been happy in a long time. my anxiety has been through the roof and i've been bedrotting almost every day for the past few months. after a mental breakdown the other day, i decided to stay with my dad for a while. he's been helping me cope with... all of this... and trying to come up with solutions with me. he and the rest of my family say i should leave and they're worried about me. and they have been for a while.

how do i leave? is there like, a checklist of what i can do that isn't "drink water and meditate"? i just need an action plan and i'm floundering.

note to mods: i made this new account because he knows what my old account is. i do not want him to see this.

hey guys. i need some help in regards to what to do in my relationship, and i'm curious if anyone else has gone through this. i want to be as open and honest as possible. i'm making plans to leave my partner, and he doesn't know yet. i'm not planning to blindside him or kick him to the curb at all. there's part of me that still loves him.

i live with my partner, currently. we've been together almost 2 years. when we first started dating, he and his roommates were moving out, so i let him move in with me after only 3 months of dating -- red flag #1, i know. but i thought we were in love.

our first year was tumultuous, but happy. they worked a decent job that made pretty good money, and so did i. we balanced work and home life pretty easily and in general had a lot of fun together. but he started to get more and more miserable at his job. at some point, i had an emergency and his job would not let him take time off to help me recover, so he quit. at the time, i thought this was such a noble sacrifice and it meant a lot to me.

however, things got really tough. he said he was constantly looking for work and was going out of his way to find a new job, but looking back i'm not so sure. he turned down two opportunities my parents provided, wouldn't do doordash or shipt, and the financial onus was on me. he took over the cleaning and cooking and pet care while i worked, but would often fall into deep depressive pits due to his struggles with BPD. he started saying he actually enjoyed being a stay-at-home boyfriend. meanwhile, i'm working my ass off and getting loans from work and crying and pleading with bill collectors just to get things paid. again, he was out of work and i thought he was really trying. he finally got a job, and before going to the interview he joked "i guess i'll go since you MADE me get a job." at the time i thought this was just him playing around, but i remember feeling very nervous.

he started making jokes about me being his "walking wallet" and spent almost all of his paycheck when he got it. i'll be fair and say i only asked him to pay a certain amount of bills because of the discrepancy in our incomes, and he DID do that, but after that pretty much everything went to his hobbies. we used to send cute texts throughout the day, but now he only texts me when he needs money or for me to pick up something for him.

a year later and he still has the job. things are still pretty tight and i'm still paying for almost everything. he's helping around the house but is spending a lot of time on his computer and at a hobby store in town. he took on a second job because we want to get out of our current living situation and move somewhere else, but quit after 2 weeks -- i told him this was fine, i said when it started affecting his mental health he could leave. but after that, he seemed to sink into himself and missed about 3 days of work. he got a final strike, as he had called out a lot in the past month. he still works there, but there didn't seem to be much... urgency about the problem. previous to this, he joked about quitting and said "c'mooooon you can support us both! if we move out to a place with lower rent it'll be easier!" he's in a current spiral of depression right now and i'm trying to be sympathetic. and i know he's been having issues with his medication.

when he got the second job, we agreed that i'd take over the cooking and cleaning and animal care since he'd be gone all day. he blew up at me a few weeks ago because i didn't wash the right pants and didn't speak to me for almost 2 days. he said we needed to talk and that i wasn't doing enough around the house, which wasn't fair since he was working 2 jobs. and i agreed, i promised i'd do better. i did start doing better; i'd come home from work and clean and cook and make sure things were in good shape. but after he quit, he... stopped helping me altogether. i can't drive and at first he promised to take me and pick me up from work so i can save on lyft. he hasn't done that in months. we've also borrowed an insane amount of money from my parents.

he asks me to get him things when i'm all the way across the room, and leaves trash on my desk when i'm not using it. while he games, he just hands me trash to throw away. he says i'm too loud and can't control the volume of my voice, but he's on twitch every night with his friends hooting and hollering. if i'm doing something, he makes me drop everything to do what he wants to do. i can pick movies, but i can't get him into any TV shows i want to watch together because he gives up about an episode in. yet i've sat through all of his favorite shows.

yesterday i had a massive mental breakdown after therapy. i haven't been happy in years and i thought it might just be me; my medication changing, my weight gain, just anything. but i started thinking about where my life is. i live in an apartment i can't afford taking care of animals i can't afford and cleaning up after my partner. i haven't gone to the doctor in two years but i pay his medical bills, for his insurance, and for his psych visits/meds. my glasses are hanging on by a hair but he just got new contacts. do you see what i'm saying?

i know a lot of this is on me. i cannot set boundaries, i cannot say no, and i'm weak-willed. i have my addictions as well, and i rushed into this way too fast. i decided last minute to come stay with my dad, and i haven't told my partner how i feel yet. i'm terrified to go home. when he gets mad, he lashes out and then doesn't speak to me for days. i don't think he'll be violent, but i'm scared.

my question is; am i wrong for wanting to leave? am i going about this the wrong way? i don't want to hurt him or kick him out on the street, but i don't think i can do this much longer.