u/sagetharage

Greetings. I have loved writing since I was a child but never pursued it in any serious manner. I would like to share something I wrote and ask if it is decent or if you have any feedback on it. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read it.

A trip to the store

I did not expect to go to the store and encounter a dilemma. I doubt that often, if ever, do people go to the store in search of such a thing. Yet the universe has a way of making it so that when a person least expects it (and frankly, when they least require it), these problems are encountered in a random and chaotic fashion.

I am an anxious person. I worry about everything. I worry about money, clothes, food, my job, my life, the lives of others, and people. I worry mostly about people. How they look at me, if they are looking at me, how they speak to me, if they are speaking to me, if I need to make eye contact, if I am making the wrong amount of eye contact, what they are saying to me, and what I am saying to them. Interacting with others is a skill that I have only grown worse at as I have grown older. I am not sure how this happened, nor can I point to why it happened, but the fact of the matter is this: I am an adult who is afraid of people.

So I found myself, on a beautiful August morning, headed to a store that I frequented every Sunday for the purposes of acquiring food that would be eaten and digested by the Sunday next. I was listening to music that made me particularly happy and enjoying the pleasantness of the weather surrounding me. The drivers on the road, who usually seemed hellbent on causing as much stress and mayhem as possible, were actually being quite civil. As I turned into the parking lot, there was absolutely no indication that I would be entering a situation that would leave me feeling quite dissatisfied and upset emotionally.

I popped the trunk, gathered my bags, grabbed a cart, and made my way into the store, having plotted the most optimal route based on the contents of my shopping list. I was turning into an aisle, intent on grabbing a few cans of vegetables, when I spotted them.

They consisted of two people - a former coworker and her boyfriend. At first we did not recognize each other, and then there was that shared sense of awareness one feels when realizing that the person in front of them is not, in fact, a stranger, but someone more familiar. Then followed the chorus of his, hellos, heys, and other greetings people employ upon seeing each other. We quickly got to chatting about the most banal of topics - work. From there the conversation moved quite naturally to housing and relationships.  After confirming we were all employed, housed, and partnered, we amicably parted ways. It was, all in all, a pleasant interaction.

Yet, as I walked throughout the store, I felt a nagging suspicion creeping through me. I wondered if, had I been so brave as to ask, we could have agreed to work towards more? Could this chance encounter blossom into a deeper friendship, something that could be fulfilling for all involved? For it was very true that I was, and still am, in dire need of friendship. 

I am a person who is crippled not just by a sense of anxiety, but a profound sense of loneliness. The kind of loneliness that makes you very aware of your station in any given situation. The kind of loneliness that makes you aware you are the only person alone in a room. The kind of loneliness that is most impactful upon waking on a Saturday morning and realizing you have nowhere to go, no one to be with, and nothing to do but count the hours until your partner is home and you can finally feel some sense of human companionship again. For a loneliness like this, friendship is the only cure.

And so I berated myself over the head for this blunder, this failure, this missed opportunity to fight against the loneliness and anxiety that pervaded my spirit. I would see them in the store, tell myself to walk up and do it, to ask for a number, to hangout, or if they would be interested in going on a double date sometime. Yet every time I found that my fear trapped me, kept me complacent, and caused me to look away and walk towards something else. 

This continued throughout my trip, throughout the checkout process, and as I bagged my groceries in a solitary manner. I watched from my car as they exited the grocery store. I thought about how lonely I felt. I thought about the shame, embarrassment, and sense of patheticness that I would feel asking for their number now, after so much time had passed and I had so many chances to do so. And then I drove away. And I only felt worse.

Greetings. I have loved writing since I was a child but never pursued it in any serious manner. I would like to share something I wrote and ask if it is decent or if you have any feedback on it. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read it.

A trip to the store

I did not expect to go to the store and encounter a dilemma. I doubt that often, if ever, do people go to the store in search of such a thing. Yet the universe has a way of making it so that when a person least expects it (and frankly, when they least require it), these problems are encountered in a random and chaotic fashion.

I am an anxious person. I worry about everything. I worry about money, clothes, food, my job, my life, the lives of others, and people. I worry mostly about people. How they look at me, if they are looking at me, how they speak to me, if they are speaking to me, if I need to make eye contact, if I am making the wrong amount of eye contact, what they are saying to me, and what I am saying to them. Interacting with others is a skill that I have only grown worse at as I have grown older. I am not sure how this happened, nor can I point to why it happened, but the fact of the matter is this: I am an adult who is afraid of people.

So I found myself, on a beautiful August morning, headed to a store that I frequented every Sunday for the purposes of acquiring food that would be eaten and digested by the Sunday next. I was listening to music that made me particularly happy and enjoying the pleasantness of the weather surrounding me. The drivers on the road, who usually seemed hellbent on causing as much stress and mayhem as possible, were actually being quite civil. As I turned into the parking lot, there was absolutely no indication that I would be entering a situation that would leave me feeling quite dissatisfied and upset emotionally.

I popped the trunk, gathered my bags, grabbed a cart, and made my way into the store, having plotted the most optimal route based on the contents of my shopping list. I was turning into an aisle, intent on grabbing a few cans of vegetables, when I spotted them.

They consisted of two people - a former coworker and her boyfriend. At first we did not recognize each other, and then there was that shared sense of awareness one feels when realizing that the person in front of them is not, in fact, a stranger, but someone more familiar. Then followed the chorus of his, hellos, heys, and other greetings people employ upon seeing each other. We quickly got to chatting about the most banal of topics - work. From there the conversation moved quite naturally to housing and relationships.  After confirming we were all employed, housed, and partnered, we amicably parted ways. It was, all in all, a pleasant interaction.

Yet, as I walked throughout the store, I felt a nagging suspicion creeping through me. I wondered if, had I been so brave as to ask, we could have agreed to work towards more? Could this chance encounter blossom into a deeper friendship, something that could be fulfilling for all involved? For it was very true that I was, and still am, in dire need of friendship. 

I am a person who is crippled not just by a sense of anxiety, but a profound sense of loneliness. The kind of loneliness that makes you very aware of your station in any given situation. The kind of loneliness that makes you aware you are the only person alone in a room. The kind of loneliness that is most impactful upon waking on a Saturday morning and realizing you have nowhere to go, no one to be with, and nothing to do but count the hours until your partner is home and you can finally feel some sense of human companionship again. For a loneliness like this, friendship is the only cure.

And so I berated myself over the head for this blunder, this failure, this missed opportunity to fight against the loneliness and anxiety that pervaded my spirit. I would see them in the store, tell myself to walk up and do it, to ask for a number, to hangout, or if they would be interested in going on a double date sometime. Yet every time I found that my fear trapped me, kept me complacent, and caused me to look away and walk towards something else. 

This continued throughout my trip, throughout the checkout process, and as I bagged my groceries in a solitary manner. I watched from my car as they exited the grocery store. I thought about how lonely I felt. I thought about the shame, embarrassment, and sense of patheticness that I would feel asking for their number now, after so much time had passed and I had so many chances to do so. And then I drove away. And I only felt worse.

Greetings. I apologize if this type of post is not allowed. I am searching for advice on whether or not it would be a good idea for me to join the Guard.

I'm not really doing anything with my life. I'm 24, dropped out of college (three times) and currently work at a job that's not providing enough for me. I managed to luck my way into it. It's a 9-5 that does not pay enough and has decent benefits but ultimately leaves me feeling very hollow inside. I spend entire days scrolling on Reddit. I am severely depressed almost every day and so anxious that human interaction can sometimes scare me. I am estranged from my family. I am constantly on the verge of financial collapse. I am scared that my life is passing me by and I want to fix it. I feel like I need a kick in the ass or something to change my trajectory.

I am starting college soon to work towards becoming a therapist. This is something I am actually very excited about. I need to earn more income. I have worked two jobs for most of my adult life. I do not want to go back to working two jobs and not actually doing anything with my life. I want to grow as a person. I was thinking about joining the Guard to help pay for college, debt, bills, etc., and to grow as a person. I took the ASVAB in high school and was told that I scored highly, if that helps. I am in Louisiana.

I'm just looking for perspectives and advice. Thank you if you read this.

Edit to add important info: I spent three years of my life as a transgender woman. I have since detransitioned and stopped taking feminizing hormones. My body is almost back to normal for a cis male but I will need a mastectomy were I to join. I thought that might be important to add.