Death is weird
TW: family death, assisted suicide
From a young age I noticed that I have dealt with death very differently from the rest of my family and I just wanted to know if others are the same or if I'm broken.
My grandfather died last year and it broke my mom for a while. My parents live down the road from me and we are very close, I work at the family business on their property which coincidentally my grandparents also live on, its a big plot. So my grandparents were very much a part of my life and events with the family. My grandpa was pretty stubborn with his ways and stayed in bed or on the couch most of the time, only appearing to eat when food was ready and off he went. Not at all emotional or particularly loving but he was grandpa. When he died I didn't feel the sadness I thought I would feel. Granted he died basically with assisted suicide as he had terminal cancer so we knew for a long time that it was coming, but my mom as I said was broken.
The day he died I went there and as I walked through they were wheeling his body out to take it away (he donated his body to science). It shocked me to know my grandpa was under there and to know that I would never see him again, show him a song (we are big music people) or play a boardgame with him again.
I felt numb, but not particularly sad (mind you my mom was also blaringng In The Arms Of The Angel so it was very overwhelming)
About a split second later I saw my mom as she saw him being wheeled out and she broke down. This is what affected me the most, my mom being sad and the thought that her dad was gone for ever and how devastating it was for her.
This morning my grandmother died and again I feel a deep sadness for my dad that his mother is gone, but I don't know if I am sad or not. I feel numb but not sad. I don't know if this is because both of them had presenting symptoms for at least a year prior and I had made my peace with it, or if I am broken and a little evil.
For reference, I habitually overthink about my parents dying and I am terrified of it. I cry at least weekly for no reason about it. They are still healthy and my moms mom is still alive so I hate that my brain is doing this. I am also extremely attacked to my animals and spend weeks crying if I lose one of my rats. In fact I know my one girl is getting older and it actually brought me to tears to think about today. TODAY. My freaking grandmother died and I feel almost indifferent over it yet the thought of my rat dying brought me to tears....
What is wrong with me :(