u/sammy040499

Me (M27) and my girlfriend (F27) weren't in the best place a little over a year ago. I had fallen into a sort of depression and began to feel ambivalent towards our relationship. We tried couples therapy but I don't feel like the therapist was particularly helpful. I also felt like I was not making progress in my individual therapy as well. We decided to separate, but we continued living together. After about 8 months I was still not feeling better, and didn't have strong feelings about anything in life, including our relationship. We decided to break up, but for me it was mainly because I didn't want her to sit and wait around for me. I would've liked her to do so, but I didn't want to hold her back. Here we are about 4 months later, and I feel like I was hit by a truck full of emotions. Like everything I hadn't been feeling this whole time came rushing back at once, and I realized I did not want to lose her. I realized how much love I had for her, and that I was ready to put in the work to make our relationship better than ever. I was then hit with the reality that she had been moving on, and no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I was heartbroken. I still am. I feel like a fool because I initiated the separation, I agreed on the breakup, but the whole time I was not sad. I now feel like months after we broke up I am finally grieving the loss of my 10 year relationship, and my actions and reactions are only pushing her further away. She's my best friend and my only support system, and I'm feeling all of the grief emotions so intensely all at once.