u/samthefrug

this is a thriller-mystery/romance. i typically write bloody horror and dark fantasy, and I came up with this idea. any and all feedback is appreciate, be it positive or negative, harsh or simple!

this is a thriller-mystery/romance. i typically write bloody horror and dark fantasy, and I came up with this idea. any and all feedback is appreciate, be it positive or negative, harsh or simple!

this is a thriller-mystery/romance. i typically write bloody horror and dark fantasy, and I came up with this idea. any and all feedback is appreciate, be it positive or negative, harsh or simple!

the synopsis:

In a world scarred by a cataclysmic event, where a fractured moon casts its halved shadow over corrupted lands, a mysterious amnesiac awakens on the edge of a crime-ridden cliffside city. Drawn into the enigmatic fold of The Nocturne Hunters -  a group of outcasts, warriors, and scholars - he discovers that the corruption spreading through the world is far more insidious than a simple decay. As he navigates a city teeming with glitching monsters, rouge cultists, and lingering echoes of a lost civilization, he must learn to wield a power gifted to him by an eccentric inventor with a personal mission. The young fugued hunter begins to piece together charred fragments of his lost memory, but in a world where nothing is truly what it seems, and the line between friend and foe blurs with every step deeper into the shadowed remains of a split world.

CW(S): little psa, the topics that are talked about HAVE NOT BEEN WRITTEN YET! although they are coming.

timeline: dont care really, as long as i get feedback at SOME point.

FEEDBACK TOPICS:

- pacing (biggest issue)

- character dynamics

- world building

- chatacter/location names

- if its too teenage esque and edgy

- plot complexity

if any beta readers ARE interested in reading this, DM me and say you're from this subreddi and i'll send you my betabook link.

i know theres been alot of these—and i will continue to contribute to the problem.

nihilux:

Path: elation

element: quantum

BASE STATS

base atk: 621

base hp: 1345

base def: 325

base spd: 101

TRACE BONUS

+15 spd

+15.5% CR

+19.8% elation

TRACES:

BASIC ATTACK: Artists Stroke: (single target - 5 "inspiration" point)

deals quantum DMG equal to 100% of ATK to a single enemy.

SKILL: Editorial Phase: (enhance - 15 "inspiration" points)

nihilux enters the "creative block" state. upon entering this state, 4 drafts will appear. one draft can be selected at a time. there are 4 possible drafts, all drafts generate 15 inspiration points:

1, A Romantic Story (like none that has come before): Heals all allies for 25% of nihiluxs atk, and action advances all allies by 5%.

2, Horror Story: Deals quantum elation dmg equal to 320% of nihiluxs elation to all enemies and delay enemies action by 15%.

3, Action-adventure Story: Selects one ally target to action advance by 100%, increases their elation by 20%, and increases the targets spd by 5%.

4, Mystery Story: Generates 20 punchline and regenerates 20 energy for all allies. Additionally, action advances the next Aha Instant by 30%.

ULTIMATE: THE ULTIMATE PLOT TWIST!?!: (enhance - 65 inspiration points)

Consumes 20 Inspiration points every time Nihilux takes actio. Nihilux deploys a zone and enters the "Phantasmal Creator" state. While in this state, all "Drafts" have their effects enga by 50%. While the zone is active, all allies heal 50% of lost HP, and have their elation increased by a flat 30%. Upon reaching 0 inspiration points, "Phantasmal Creator" comes to an end, and the zond disappears.

ELATION SKILL: A Step unto the Canvas: (AoE, participan id: 145)

Deals quantum elation dmg to all enemie equal to 350% of nihiluxs elation. Generates 10 punchline and 5 inspiration points.

MAJOR TRACES:

A1: When punchline exceeds 20/40/60, increases allies crit dmg by 25/50/75.

A4: When ally targets use elation skills, generates 5 inspiration points.

A6: Upon entering the "Phantasmal Creator" state, inflict 20% vulnerability on all enemy target, lasting until the transformation ends.

TECHNIQUE: (enhance): At the start of the next battle, automatically use one random draft. (Action-Adventure AA's whoever initiated combat)

i posted this not long ago, and got moxed feedback, so i thought id try again. (contructive criticism pleas, unlike last time) yes i know the amnes trope is overdone, its not "amnesia" or "fugue," just what it presents as, as to not spoil the plot. book title is "ash/split" and its dark fantasy / sci fi horror! this book isnt ALL serious, theres some gags and jokes in there, or at least i tried to add some:

~Act I: Fugue~

Chapter 1: Awaken; Incinerated Husk

*Deep within my mind, its painful*

*Memories - foggy… Very foggy*

*Her… Writing - I remember it-*

*Blacked out faces-*

*Burned pages*

*Charred husks…*

*Everything… Everything hurts…*

*I- I dont.. I don't know why.. But I need her…*

*…To even see her face - one last time -*

*To see — myself  again…*

A light beats down on my face, it's warm, and familiar. Opening my eyes, I look around, feeling a cold breeze against my skin, and seeing scrap metal, rusted and old, and what looks like *buildings* made from it. I sit up, the back of my head killing me, my back and rear too, like I’d been sitting there for a while. An almost *piercing thought goes through my mind- blacked out faces, burned memories, it hurts.* I compose my thoughts, somewhat dazed and confused, but then I realize, *I don't remember anything…* I wipe the moss off my legs, and also realize *I am missing my left arm.. Great…* I stand up, and immediately stumble into a hole, falling down and landing right on my ass. *Ow-* My eyes begin to water, blurring my vision, *but I hear something.. Something malevolent. It's glitchy, red, and rooted in the ground, like a plant. I can see what appears to be a Crescent Moon atop the structure, emitting a ghastly and red aura. Emerging from its roots are the husks of people, their bodies drained of color, and infected with whatever this phenomena is.* One of its arms tries to swipe at me, and I instinctively close my eyes — *Great! I just woke up and now I'm about to die —* But I hear its claw clash against a blade. Opening my eyes is a tall, darkhaired man, skinny, in old baggy clothes, scars all over his body, and a double bladed dagger stabbed through that red entity's hands. He glanced back at me, his eyes light and soulless. 

“Run!” He tells me, but I can't seem to move — Like I'm petrified with fear… Another figure swoops me up, female, taller than me, blonde, mature but hidden under a brown hood. She grabs me and drags me to the side while her and the other man begin fighting off the entities. The woman uses an array of weapons, swords that turn into spears, guns, and even a bow and arrow. The Entities break her bow, and she quickly retorts by grabbing an arrow and stabbing it in the chest. The Crescent Moon Construct shrieked, ungodly and distorted, before losing its vitality and withering away, its little minions disappearing with it.

“Dude-” The blonde woman starts, rubbing her temples, “How in the hell did you manage to fall down here?” She asks, and I honestly don't know how to answer that.

“I— I don't know…” I stammer, “I cant.. Really I’m sorry. I can't remember anything at all, and I just woke up here.”

“Woah.” The male chimes in, his voice soft with a hint of attitude, “It's fine, we promise. I'm Deux, that's Archer.” His hands present the woman, and she waves.

“Du-what?” I ask.

“Du-ex... Or Duh.” He says, blushing a little.

“You must be starving. Would you like to join us for lunch, Mr…?” She holds out her hand, and I take it, and she quickly hoists me up. 

“Im not even sure of my name, all I can remember is—” The Burning sensation rattles my mind again. “—burning pictures, like they're my memories, and blacked out faces..”

“That is strange.” Archer crosses her arms and squints her eyes. “Lets call you Ash, matches your eyes, and what I can only assume is that you’re the ashes of someone before.”

When she says that, I feel something inside me.. React… It's a strange sensation really, like another heart inside me has begun to beat. I brush that off, and the two of them lead me into the nearby town. It's called “New Entry,” and apparently it's crime ridden. But all I see when I look around is a bustling town, rustic, and industrial. Tall shipping containers are stacked high, stairs and ladders leading into them, like theyre houses. The whole city was cliff and seaside, a massive medieval tower standing right on the edge, next to the port. There's some contraption (an elevator) that pulls cargo from the sea up to the elevated port. The kids here are wild, running in the streets, having fun, and getting food from the local market. There's a ton of merchants with their carts behind them, and the ground is made from dirt and concrete, and is littered with newspapers and food. Deux grabs me by the arm and drags me down an alleyway. It's crammed, a cacophony of smells hitting my nose, and dozens of stands set up in the alley. The traffic of people can barely make its way through. Archer gives one vendor a coin, and he hands her a bowl of food. We head out the other end of the alley, passing so many vendors trying to get me to try stuff. The three of us sit down at a table, and Archer slides the bowl across the table. 

“Try this-” she says. I look down, seeing a bowl full of brown grains, yellow blobby stuff, small seeds, and green leaves of some sorts. 

“Um… What is this?” I ask, a tad embarrassed. Archer and Deux look at each other.

“It's so much worse than I thought—” Deux says.

“It's called Egg-Fried Rice, it's got green onion and sesame seeds too.” I have no clue what any of that stuff is, but nevertheless — I indulge. I grab a fork, and take a bite, and oh my god, this is the best thing I've ever eaten.. Well… It's the only thing I've eaten, but it's so good! My face lights up, and I keep eating it, like it was going to disappear if I was too slow. Deux chuckles, and Archer smiles at me, “Told you it was good. Want another bowl?” She asks,

“Yes…? Is that even a question?” I keep eating the bowl I'm on now. Archer gives Deux a coin, and he comes back with another bowl, just as I finish my first one off. I scarf the second one down faster than the first, the two of them looking shocked.

“Damn, how long were you out to be that hungry?” Deux chuckles to himself.

“Im — I'm actually not sure.” I say, wiping my mouth, satisfied with the rice.

“Well-” Archer starts, standing up and looking around, “We should probably get going. Would you like to return with us?” She asks, “Please, you don't want to be alone here.”

“Return to where exactly?” I ask,

“Our little… Abode.” Deux finishes her sentence.

“I guess so.” I say, shoulders shrugging.

“Its a little walk to get there, it doesn't take but 20 minutes.” Archer puts the bowls in her bag and guides me to the northern end of New Entry. We exit the city, and quickly cut through some trees in a secluded little valley. Behind the trees is a dirt path, shaded by the cliffs and the local pine trees. A squirrel darts in front of me, butterflies flying near the snapdragons, and birds nesting in the trees. Some deer come from behind us, massive antlers, prancing beside us before heading further up the path. I see some strange graffiti on the cliff, a crescent shape, a slash going through it, a broken orb on the other side, flowers blooming from either side, like a sigil or emblem of sorts.

“Hey so- what's that?” I ask, pointing at the strange graffiti sigil. 

“That- is something that shouldn't be there.” Deux shudders, scratching his scarred up arm, which reminds me that I'm lacking one arm. The way begins to wind side to side, heading up a shallow hill, strange statues of cloaked figures lining the forest path. Behind the trees is the ruins of an old church, stained glass shattered, boards covering them, ceiling collapsing slowly, and steel reinforcements supporting the structure. There's also a ton of graffiti on the front, warnings to not enter, that there's security. Archer knocks on the door in a specific pattern, 3 fast knocks, 2 slow ones, and one hard one. I hear gears turning inside, steam ejecting from pneumatic pumps, and an electrical whirl. The door pops open slightly, steam rolling out of it. I'm welcomed into the old church, and I see two other guys there. One older gentleman, salt n’ pepper hair, a small beard forming, tired eyes, and a very steampunk aesthetic. The other can't be older than 19, young, hollow, wearing old torn up clothes held together by plants, like he's been in nature for awhile.

“Archer! Deux, who's this?” The older gentleman asked. 

“Well-” she starts,

“He has amnesia, and I thought we could help him.” Deux cuts in.

“Oh shut it Moonboy-” Archer scoffs at Deux, or— Moonboy? “It was my idea to bring him here, there's plenty of room in the Cathedral.” The older man comes up to me, inspecting me closely, putting on his goggles, swapping lenses every 3 seconds, inspecting every detail on my face. He notices I only have one arm, and scoffs.

Alaine- 

A voice whispers in my head, “Are you — Alaine?” I ask, all of them looking shocked.

“Yes.. how did you know that—” He backs off,

“I- I honestly don't know..” I say.

He grabs the stump of my left arm, “Oh no, this can't do- Follow me, Mister…?” 

“What did ya’ll call me again?” I turn slowly towards Archer and Deux, 

“We called him Ash, because of — his eyes.. Or something.” Deux looks off to the side. Alaine leads me down towards the back of the Cathedral, towards an Organ. He plays a specific tune, and the whole damn thing turns to the side, revealing a stairwell down. I hear gears turning from downstairs, welding, and hammers whacking. We get to the room at the bottom, and it's a lab or workshop of some sorts. Tons of clock like machinery around, cleaning bots scrambling across the floor, big mechs that are hammering swords on an anvil, and something that catches my eye in the back- It's a robotic body in a glass case,  made to look like a young woman, next to it — A coffin.. It's like he's lost someone, and is trying to revive them- Alaine shoos me away, throwing a white blanket over the case. Mounted on the wall is a mechanical arm, rustic, old, not nearly as advanced as the body in the case. He takes the arm off the wall and hands it to me. 

“We’re gonna have to mount it to you, that's going to hurt like hell..” 

“Beg Pardon?” I ask, eyes wide, concerned.

“Anyways, the arm is yours if you want it. It's equipped with thrusters, a crossbow stored inside the forearm, and an ignition matrix” He gently presses on a flap on the Forearm, a whole crossbow constructs itself. 

“Wait, that's sick.” I grin ear to ear seeing the bow.

“The way we’re going to have to attach this requires a small surgery, would you like that?” Alaine pulls a cloth off a table, and in fact it was not a table, but it was a surgery chair…

Next thing I know, I'm waking up, a sharp phantom pain in my left arm.. Wait.. LEFT ARM? God Alaine must’ve knocked me out and given me the arm. “A-Alaine?” I call, seeing the rugged, nature boy from upstairs.

“Hey.. I'm Orion. I thought I’d introduce myself.” He looks down, rubbing his arm, avoiding eye contact.

“Ash.” I reach out for his hand, the anesthetics wearing off rather fast.

“I don't think anyone's told you yet, but we call ourselves ‘The Nocturne Hunters.”’

“The Nocturne Hunters aye? I can get behind that.” I cross my arms, my new mechanical arm surprisingly moving really smoothly for how janky it looks. I take a closer look at it, and see faint sigils wrapped all around the arm.

“Hey, kid, do these mean anything?” I ask, showing him the sigils, even tracing one with my finger.

“That is definitely strange. I’d say ask Alaine, he wouldn't put anything unnecessary on an invention.”

“Thanks kid.” I pat him on the shoulder, and I immediately feel like I'm 45. He smiles, and I can see his eyes light up behind his shaggy hair. I get up out of the chair, vision going black for a second, and feel the nameplate under where the arm was mounted, ‘The Grip of Finality.’ Cool name. I figure out that if I just think about the crossbow, it opens, and that I can extend my hand to grab things. Alaine left me a note too, going over all the things that the arm can do, which is:

• Extendable Hand
• Crossbow inside the Fore-Arm
• Tractable sharp finger nails
• Resonance with a multitude of power sources

In the peripherals of my vision, I can vaguely make out the silhouette of a woman…