Faucet (I wrote this for a random writing challenge I made)
This is an intentional, early-2000s Slim Shady style comedy/troll track. It relies heavily on voice acting, vocal shifts, and bent vowels.
I made this for a random writing challenge I made to diss an inanimate object, I chose a leaky kitchen faucet, I don’t know how it got a redemption arc honestly
Take this with a grain of salt, I was bored, I just want to see your opinions, never have i wanted to be like a rapper, I honestly don’t know what I do, but I feel like the stage directory skits is more of slim shady era, so that’s why I said it was slim shady style, I do not actually think that it looks like his music.
Also I just realised that people pronounce muppet by enunciating the eh in mup-peht, so just saying it’s pronounced mup-pit in the lyrics so it rhymes correctly, and if you didn’t see, there’s somewhere in the lyrics where seen is pronounced “Sayn” to rhyme with the other words.
Some rusty ass kitchen faucet to be saying it doesn’t drip
Man, the fucking exterior design tryna look gothic, ah shit the paint rips!
Okay Okay, let’s set it straight here, what is a faucet?
It’s a corporate
device that is made out of metal, guess what used to have metal?, A CORSET
My faucet doesn’t even work, it’s horseshit, and nonsense
I’m Forfeit
-ing this faucet
it doesn’t even work, I’ll go to the cash deposit
I’ll sell the faucet
To a poor little muppet
Then that muppets going to scream
(In muppet voice)
AHHHH
The faucet, doesn’t even work?
God, that guy scammed me with a broken faucet!
It drips, it makes me slip, the paint rips, don’t it?
(In normal voice, reminiscing)
Ugh!, that shitty ass faucet be making my hair look like Farrah Fawcett
(Beat cuts out abruptly. Just the quiet sound of a single water drop: Drip.)
(Speaking normally, sounding guilty):
"Damn. My bad, man. It wasn't even that deep. You just... you just dripped a little bit. You're actually a pretty good faucet
OH NO!, now I have to go to the muppet’s house, to get my faucet back!
It just goes to track!, that you can’t judge a book by its cover!
AH SHIT!, WHY DID I SELL IT TO THAT MUPPET?!, WHAT A STUPID ENDEAVOUR!
I THINK THE MUPPET’S NAME WAS.. Trevor?
TREVOR! TREVOR! I NEED MY FAUCET BACK!
FULL CASH RETURN UP MY TACK-Y JACK-ET
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah-Choo!, ah shit I need a Klee-Nex packet
Or I’ll cause a racket..
(In bg)
I need my Faucet back!!!!
FAUCEEEETTTTT COME BAAAACKKKKK! MY BACK IS GOING TO SLAM WITH A CRAAAAACKKKKKK
(Out of bg)
from all this running, how cunning, I’m sorry you look stunning!, (“I’m becoming, good! I swear!” In bg) please stop ducking!, or I’ll start cussing!, out everyone in my way!
I SWEAR YOU’RE THE FINEST FAUCET IVE EVER SEEN (pronounced sayn), I BET YOU’D GET LAID! BY ALL THE GIRL FAUCETS, OR EVEN BOY FAUCETS, I DONT CARE IF YOU SWING ONE OR TWO WAYS!
Wait.. I see the muppet!
TREVOR! TREVOR!, WAIT!!!, I WANT MY FAUCET BACK!!!
PLEASE I SWEAR ILL THROW IT SOME SLACK
FULL CASH BACK!, YOU CANT IGNORE THAT!
ILL GIVE YOU A TIP!, I SWEAR I JUST DONT WANT YOU TO TAKE A SIP!, from that drip-py faucet!
(In muppet voice)
HEY?!, WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE
(Normal voice)
Hey man!, I just want my faucet back!, don’t be such a grouch!
Here’s full cash back, I’ll cut you some slack, and add 40 bucks on top of that rack!
(In muppet voice)
This is a lot of money!, take your faucet, it’s leaky anyway!, MAUAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
(In normal voice)
Oh faucet!, you came back!, you’re as beautiful as a sun ray!
Thanks to this faucet, I know the meaning of life!
So kids, don’t judge a book by its cover!, because it could help you more in life than a scythe!