wondering if y’all have similar experiences (nsfw)
hello all, I consider myself on the ace spectrum but i just call myself asexual to shorten things.
growing up i used to be extremely sex repulsed (very possibly due to sexual trauma in my past), however, those feelings have changed. now i would say i’m sex indifferent or even possibly sex favorable from time to time.
my partner (alosexual) and i have been together for 5 years. in the beginning we were long distance, and for the past three years we have been living together.
this is where the post is gonna get a bit personal and nsfw so if you don’t want to hear about anything sexual pls stop reading.
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there are times when i feel extremely strong sexual attraction to my partner, but these feelings are so new to me that i don’t know how to go about initiating with them. and i really WANT to initiate with them. i know they want me to initiate because we have had multiple conversations where they have told me it makes them feel unwanted when i don’t start things and they are the only one to initiate. i have gotten to a point where i can recognize when i am having these feelings, but it’s like there is a wall between me and my partner, or maybe the wall is between my heart and my brain. i’m not sure. something inside me tells me it’s wrong to touch them sexually even when i myself am having sexual wants and needs. even when i see they are ready to start something sexual at the same time as me.
there are times when we have sex and it’s amazing and everything i want and need, and there are other times when it feels like my physical body is not on the same page as my hormones. i will get extremely aroused but the moment we move into something sexual, it’s like my body doesn’t feel pleasure anymore. or it will for brief moments until the sensations become so much i can’t handle it and it becomes slightly painful. it’s been very frustrating for me.
i’m wondering if others on the ace spectrum and in the community have had similar experiences. how did you work through these feelings? do you have any advice from your own perspective that helped you to understand what your body needs?
thank you!