u/seatangle

Hi everyone, I'm a relationship anarchist who has recently been exploring the concept of conscious monogamy. From my perspective, the principles of conscious monogamy (at least from how I understand it) align well with the practice of relationship anarchy.

For those who aren't familiar with the term, conscious monogamy is the concept of choosing to be with one person, not because monogamy is the default or expectation, but because it's what works best for you and your partner.

Quick plug: I just created a community (r/consciousmonogamy) because I felt like there aren't a lot of resources or support for those of us exploring this relationship dynamic. Please join and/or contribute if you're interested!

I'm someone who gave non-monogamy a really good try, but it did not work for me, despite agreeing with the ideas and values behind it. I read and watched videos and listened to podcasts about non-monogamy. I dated non-monogamous people. I never specifically identified as such, but it was something I was interested in and wanted to try. My last relationship ended because my partner moved overseas and wanted to get married, but the finality of that scared me, and I wasn't ready to commit to one person. I thought non-monogamy sounded like a reasonable solution to that, and perhaps it would be for others. But in practice, in a new relationship where I was very much in love, I found it very difficult. I realized that I didn't really want to date other people, I just wanted to be with my partner. I also realized that I'm demisexual, meaning that I require a deep connection before I feel sexual attraction to someone. I liked going on dates and meeting new and interesting people, but I just wanted to be friends with them.

Practicing non-monogamy was not a mistake; I learned a lot about myself, especially about my insecurities, my sexuality, and how I like to socialize. But it didn't mesh with my priorities in life; I wanted more friendship and community, not romantic or sexual partners. I spent a lot of time processing difficult emotions, sitting with anxiety, and analyzing where jealousy came from. It was draining. I probably stuck with it longer than I should have, and got myself hurt in the process. I always hoped it would get easier, but it only seemed to get more difficult the closer I got to my partner. Finally, I had to let it go and accept that non-monogamy wasn't for me, not at this stage in life. I wanted more time and energy to focus on other things.

Can anyone relate? Do you think conscious monogamy aligns with relationship anarchy? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Hi everyone,

I started this subreddit because I noticed there was a lack of community for people who intentionally choose monogamy. The discourse of many monogamists around different relationship structures often felt limiting and biased. But I also felt out of place in spaces where less traditional relationship dynamics dominated and monogamy is often seen as restrictive or unenlightened. I wanted a space where people could discuss, vent, and seek advice without fear of judgment for "failing" at non-monogamy, but also where we could approach exploring the differences between these relationship structures in a fair and informed way, without putting anyone down for how they choose to love.

If you do not know what conscious monogamy is, here is the definition from the subreddit description:

Conscious monogamy (also known as intentional monogamy) is a relationship dynamic where two partners practice monogamy not by default, coercion, or societal expectations, but through individual choice. It is based in values of personal growth, autonomy, and adaptability. Conscious monogamists recognize that no one relationship structure is inherently better than another — what matters is the consent, safety, and fulfillment of each partner.

I will also be updating our community wiki with some resources for those who'd like to learn more. I am open to feedback on the above definition, and please share any resources you've come across that you think would be helpful for others! Additionally, if you would like to be added as a mod, please get in touch.

Feel free to introduce yourself in a post or in the comments below. I'd love to hear about how you came across conscious monogamy, and I'll probably share my story in the coming days too, once I get this subreddit all set up!

Cheers,

seatangle