u/sharondartist

Hello. My mom is 90. Will be coming home for hospice after a horrible six month battle with gastric cancer. I have shared our story and asked for advice on various things. Right now, I am a wreck. Anticipatory grief, watching the time. I am exhausted but sitting up all night every night in fear of what will happen. I am afraid I will not be able to take this. What I ask - can someone tell me their story of acceptance when their parent is very old and very sick? I don’t want her to suffer. I am 54 years old. Just buried my father in law one month ago and dealt with a home destroyed by squatters that took all of our savings. This year has been a nightmare and now my mom is leaving. Somebody please tell me how you made it. Please tell me that I can survive this. Because right now it’s a struggle just to make it through the night.

My mom is 90 years old. She’s been battling gastric cancer for several months, and this morning the doctor recommended hospice comfort. He said if he could predict he would say a few weeks to a couple months, but closer to weeks. I feel so odd. My older sister (66F) broke down in tears. I took her hand. I was still. I have not cried yet. I don’t know what to think about why I am not breaking down and falling apart knowing that my mother is going to die. Is there anyone who never cried? I do keep sinking into what feels like a pit of sadness but even if I pushed myself physically the tears won’t come. I fear I am going to have some kind of massive breakdown when the moment comes. But i also think, she is 90, she has had an amazingly full like and she is beloved by family and friends and the community. But she is my mommy and I know my heart is breaking but I just feel low, like there are heavy weights strapped to my shoulders pulling me down. It feels suffocating and then it passes. Has anyone felt like this? Am I going to have a nervous breakdown? Can I survive this?

It’s the 4th of July weekend. I love a long weekend that also includes junk food. However, can you enjoy a long weekend and fun food when your parent is sick and possibly dying? Guilt shows up everywhere I turn these days.

Mom (89) went home to hospice after a month in the SNF. They discharged her because they said she wasn’t engaged in PT; then we found out she’s been on dexamethasone (helpful the first week but found out it has profound side effects by week three); oxycodone every six hours (though she wasn’t complaining of pain); and a melatonin every night. She suddenly stopped wanting food and stopped talking to us about two weeks ago and we couldn’t figure out why. She wasn’t eating much but she suddenly refused everything. She’s been home for one week now, and only started waking up two days ago. It’s like she is coming off drugs. She doesn’t want anything to eat but she can’t seem to get enough water. I read that detoxing kidneys crave water to flush out. Stage 2B cancer highly responsive to immunotherapy but very frail because of months of not eating enough. Now she’s on hospice and because she’s been so weak we don’t know if it’s the cancer of the malnutrition or the heavy meds that have had her in this state. Oncologist first said hospice would give her the services she needs and we will see if she can gain enough strength to go back to treatment. I don’t know if my mom is actively dying or if we should see if she wakes up and asks for food. Heading home to see her but I don’t know if I should be hopeful and go home to help or prepare myself for a vigil.

So my mom just got home after being discharged from the SNF. She is at home now on hospice care. Her oncologist said this is not an end of life decision, but it will give her more dedicated services until we can see if she can get her strength back up to resume her cancer treatment. She is very frail and now we realize that she is coming out of the fog from a cocktail of strong medications that were not all necessary. Dexamethasone, oxycodone every six hours, even though she was not in any pain and a melatonin every night. She can barely wake up. We have been wondering why she stopped eating and stopped talking to us for the last two weeks, I have even posted here about it, and I’ve been given advice that she may be near the end. But as it turns out, she’s having a strong reaction to these medications, and we are now hoping that she can come out of this fog and start eating again. Even though she wasn’t eating as much as she needed it was way more than what we’re getting now. Meanwhile, I live 700 miles away and everything falls on my sister and my niece. My brother helps, but he cannot be as hands-on as my sister can because she lives at home with my mom and that makes me feel terribly terribly guilty. I moved away from home 30 years ago and have made a life for myself in another state with my husband and my children. But now that we’re at this stage, I feel like everything is on my sister and I don’t have a right to ask too many questions or make too many decisions or suggestions because I’m simply not there to help. I went home for one month and served as my mom‘s full-time caregiver doing all of the duties to give my sister some relief. Going back again soon and we don’t know what my mom‘s progress will be, but I hope I can be of some help. She’s in this weird medical limbo – not sick enough to be in the hospital, but not strong enough to be productive at the SNF, and that has a lot to do with how they managed her medication’s and care. I don’t even know how long I can stay, because my husband‘s father just died and I need to be here with him to help him get through this. It just makes me feel so bad. I feel like I have abandoned them.

Settling into the new normal of mommy home in a hospital
Bed. She’s stable, low weight. Starting to come out of a deep for from several strong drugs administered in the SNF. Eating a little more, aware of her surroundings, doctor says it could be a couple weeks for her to fully come around. We are hoping for a rebound so she can resume immunotherapy. I wonder if anyone can share stories of living with frail elderly parents that need a lot of support? We can’t afford and aren’t considering a care home. I live out of state and plan to go home to help my siblings as much as possible but I do feel very guilty not being there full time.

Mom is 89. Gastric cancer being controlled by immunotherapy. She doesn’t eat much or talk much. She’s coming home for hospice care but they said it’s for care not end of life. But everyone on Reddit tells me this is the beginning of the end. My therapist says I am suffering from cumulative trauma and anticipatory grief. This year, I mean within the last six months, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my oldest daughter left home, we had to take tenants to court to evict them from our home where they have been squatting, we discovered that they were hoarding and had destroyed our house, we had to use all of our savings to make the house injabitable - we’re out of money and it’s only halfway done, my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, my youngest daughter suffered a major heartbreak, I went home to care for my mother and it was physically and emotionally grueling and I also found out about addiction and horrible family circumstances I didn’t know about, we had to do a major move out of a four bedroom house and into storage, we moved into our townhouse and our car was broken into, my husbands father had a massive heart attack and he just died one week ago. I also have a very demanding job. I feel like if my mom dies this year it will be the final
Blow to my nervous system. I don’t know if I can take it and I am visualizing her death and all of the related things. Somebody please help me escape these thoughts.

Please don’t think terribly of me. I need to vent.

Mom (89) is being discharged home from SNF on Friday. She doesn’t talk to us much. She hasn’t eaten more than a few bites the last couple of days. I don’t know if her cancer is worse, she’s not strong enough for another scan. I don’t know if she’s coming home to die or if being at home will help her snap back a little. And since we don’t know her medical status I don’t know if her lack of appetite is from cancer o r her mood or if she is just giving up. I feel like I’m screaming inside. I’m terrified and angry and exhausted. I want to know if my mom is about to die or if she has any chance at all and I am so frustrated that we don’t have enough information to know if she can age in place or not. I am ashamed to admit that I am angry with her for stopping - not eating, not talking to us. Even if she’s tired, why is she acting like she’s over us? Where is my sweet mother who loved me more than anything? I am feeling like she’s shutting us out to distance herself because she is ready to die. I feel like the relationship I had with her is already over. I am scared that the acceptance I feel is false and that I am going to completely break down when she dies. This is driving me crazy.

I have been posting here a lot lately. About skilled nursing, hospice care, my mom (89) not eating, etc etc. I want to thank you all for your support. Mommy is okay, holding on. Her vitals are strong, cancer is being controlled. But still not eating and pretty depressed. I have been thinking that she’s winding down - I don’t know if that means another few months or another few years. But either way I think I’m coming to peace with it. What I am struggling with is guilt. Tremendous guilt. Here is am, 54, happily married, enjoying seeing my newly married daughters, my career, travel, etc. But instead of feeling anguish, pain, even sadness over my mom, I am overwhelmed with guilt. She is lying in bed sick, almost completely blind, most of her hearing gone, in a diaper, not interested in eating. I hope that when we bring her home from the SNF we can let her age in place and enjoy her grandchildren for the rest of her time. But I feel like I don’t deserve this thriving life while she is lying there miserable. I know that’s probably
Immature but it’s how I feel. I’m praying and meditating on it until I work it out.

OK, my friends, I need a little help because I am freaking out just a little bit. My father-in-law passed away last night. We didn’t have much of a relationship, so my focus is on being there for my husband, who was with him until the very end. I also received a call today, that my mother. (89F) who has gastric Cancer is too weak to continue physical therapy. She has been in an SNF, but she is not participating in PT so it is not helping. The cancer treatment has been going fine, because her tumor has been very responsive to immunotherapy. But because she is not thriving with the nutrition or the PT, the doctor feels that home Hospice care would be best. They have emphasized that this is not end of life, but it would be a way for her to be more comfortable and not deal with the rigors of the SNF. I live out of state and I will be going home to help with her care. This is where things get confusing. I don’t know how long I should go home at any given time. They are telling me it’s not end of life, and they want her to be more comfortable, but I am not a fool. I also have to come home for my own family, my job, my home, etc. Has anyone been through anything like this? Should I go for one month, and then come home, and then go back? I don’t know what that is supposed to be because the information is so ambiguous. I just need to know if it is possible for her to live for some time at home in a bed, or should I be looking at this as the end?

It seems my mom is getting near the end. I’ve been posting about her treatment, her not eating etc. But things are not looking good. I read so many posts here and on other platforms about the misery of losing your mom. I’m selfishly and desperately asking if anyone can tell me if they are doing alright? From everything I read it seems like a darkness with no end, and the dread of losing her and life being terrible is consuming me. Is it possible to have any joy when your mom is gone?

I recently shared here about feeling guilt over my acceptance of my mother coming to the end of her life. But I want to share some perspective here. My mom is 89. She has stage two gastric cancer. But she has the type of tumor with all of the genetic markers to make her highly responsive to immunotherapy. So after 10 rounds of radiation and two rounds of immunotherapy, her symptoms have basically disappeared. We have to see what the next scans show but so far there has been no growth and no spread not even to the lymph nodes. The problem is my mom won’t eat. She is in a skilled nursing facility, and they are serving her meals and giving her protein shakes, but she is refusing food and it’s because she doesn’t like it. Even though we continuously explained to her that she desperately needs the protein in order to be able to build her strength in order to complete the therapy and to walk again. She hasn’t walked since her diagnosis six months ago, but it’s not because of the cancer. And her weakness is not because of the cancer, it’s because she won’t eat, and she chooses not to participate consistently in the physical therapy. This has left me and my siblings very frustrated. I’m trying to figure out if she doesn’t want to fight anymore, but when you ask her, she says she wants to fight she wants to walk and she wants to live. So I have no idea what to do and when she refuses the food and doesn’t participate in therapy, it leaves us very confused and very frustrated. So now instead of sad, or scared, I am just tired. I have come to accept that she may reach the end of her life soon because of this weakness and I feel guilty that I don’t feel more upset. But I am 54 years old and I am not as panicked about it as I was in my 40s when I was nearly obsessed with her health and her mortality. I am all over the place and any advice would help. Please forgive this long post.

My husband and I both have parents with cancer. His is 81 and mine is 89. His father’s prognosis is not good and things are declining rapidly. We are still supporting my mom through treatment. However things go, we know we are in the latest of their years. I feel a constant sense of dread, but I am also struggling with guilt over not feeling as shaken or broken as I expected to. I am not sure if it’s because I’m 54 years old and life is moving as it does, or if it’s because I’ve been through the loss of one parent already, or if it’s just because they’re still here so nothing has hit me yet. I spent the last 7 or 8 years worrying about my mom’s health and fearing her death, and now that she’s actually sick, I’m surprised that I’m not more of a wreck. I feel like I’m babbling. But reaching this stage of life, where parents get older and we prepare to be at the front of the line, I have so many thoughts and feelings that it’s like I’ve just gone numb. Can anyone else relate to this?

So it’s Mother’s Day. My family has planned a lunch for me. But my mom is in another state, in a skilled nursing facility, fighting cancer. It’s not terminal, but she 89, so she’s being treated and we are hopeful. My siblings do live in the city and will visit her. But I still picture her alone in a hospital room and I’m riddled with guilt for having a full life, going to lunch, all the things. I wonder if this is our last one with her and feel guilty for not being there. I try to practice mindfulness and tell myself celebrate that she is here today, but the guilty feeling drown out my thoughts. This is such a tough time of life.

I apologize if this post is insensitive to those who have lost their mothers. Maybe that’s what I need to be thinking about. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.

My mom (89) has stage 2B gastric cancer. Being treated with immunotherapy and so far she’s responsive. Her tumor is genetically the type that is highly responsive to immunotherapy, six months in, no growth and no spread not even to lymph nodes. But we’ve had a lot of trouble getting her to eat and get up and move. Her lack of appetite seems to be a combination of chemical and mental. I remain hopeful every day. She’s engaged, fighting, trying, and very much aware of what’s happening with her health and treatment. But I’m living in a state of almost constant panic. I live out of state. If I don’t get a call from my siblings when they go visit her I start spiraling. I spent a month at home caregiving, but she’s in a skilled nursing facility for PT and nutrition. I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unrealistic about believing she can make it, but I’m also exhausted from being afraid and panicked all the time. I don’t know if I can make it without her. I need some encouragement. It doesn’t have to be coddling, but I need to believe that it’s still okay to be hopeful.