u/shawn_reflects

I went to an ayahuasca retreat a little over a year ago. During the ceremonies I saw myself living a different life from the one I am living now. Free, grounded, in nature. A version of myself I loved.

Now I am stuck in the opposite. A long commute into the city, corporate work culture, loud noises, a boss who yells at me, boring and pointless work that I'm not interested in at all and adds no impact to society. An office I feel trapped in.

One day I went for a walk during lunch and sat on a bench overlooking the water and Manhattan (I work on the other side of the river in Jersey). I felt so empty and disconnected. Everything felt meaningless.

Aya made my misery louder. It showed me my future, and I am not living it yet. I know it takes time, but it almost feels like sitting on top of a gold mine and not being able to dig. Or being able to dig, just not at the pace I want, because of the job, because I am way too comfortable, and because I get distracted a lot, with friends always pulling me into the city. Good is the enemy of great right? My Sunday scaries have turned into Saturday scaries. One short week, I was cutting fruit on a Thursday night and felt the Sunday scaries hit two days early. This is how bad it's gotten.

Obviously my situation is not as bad as I make it out to be. I work from home two days a week, I have extra time, and I get a full salary in the meantime. I say I'm grateful, but I don't actually feel it. Part of me just wants it to end already so I can move forward. I know it is time to get uncomfortable, but I am scared of that too. Deep down I know I will handle whatever comes next, but it is still scary.

What I am torn between is, should I learn to be grateful and make peace with where I am, or is feeling this way a sign that I should make the leap and not look back?

I saw a video online from a podcaster talking about how some people say, for example, "I don't want someone with that energy, or that negative energy, in my field." His take was that people should be able to handle it, and that if they can't, they need to do more work. I'm not sure I totally agree, but I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts.

Personally, after aya, I don't want to and don't like to be around people with negative energy. In general, energy is infectious in my opinion, and as the saying goes, one rotten apple can rot the whole basket. Now of course I need to be protective of my energy, and have gotten a lot better at it recently, but negativity post aya bothers me so much.

I have a friend who I used to be very close with who is the definition of extremely negative. He is always sh**ting on other friends and people, calling them vulgar names, always picking fights with people in person and in group chats (he has lost quite a few friends over the years). Just very bitter and negative toward others.

It has become so bothersome for me, and it definitely triggers me and angers me. It's gotten to the point where his fighting and arguing in the chats has angered me and made me fight back. I'm definitely wasting my energy on this, and I'm annoyed that it bothers me so much. I told him before in a group chat not to be so negative and he wrote back, "do you make the rules?"

I need to have a conversation with him in person, but I guess I don't want to deal with that confrontation. During aya I realized I'm bad at confrontation and need to get better at it. But I keep avoiding this one. Part of me knows it won't change anything, but I also just don't want to have that uncomfortable conversation. I've been ignoring his calls right now, and barely talk to him in group settings.

We used to be close, but that was pre-aya me. I don't remember him being this bad. It was likely my perspective change post-aya. I'm definitely a lot more aware and mindful now.

So I guess that's what I keep coming back to. Should it be affecting me that much? And what does that say about me?