u/she_0verthinks

Do you ever feel like your difficulties and suffering are seen as not that bad/not deserving consideration? Just because you're compensating with good memory/fast thinking and dont want to disappoint others' expectations?

I did quite good until middle school/high school, I was seen as a good, quite and intelligent kid. Then between middle and high school my suffering started. I had a lot of meltdowns at home, but nobody really tried to understand. I was seen as a demon (words of my brother) because of my rage, but I was actually just exhausted. I wanted to quit high school but I had no other option. And I had good grades. During week-ends I went out drinking and smoking, passing the nights with unknown people. I felt like a disaster bc I had no control over myself and my life. Starting university I wanted to change and be in control over my image, my study and relationships. I had eating disorders, tried to control food but then bringe eat. I felt so miserable but my grades were still good, I had friends, I did sport, I didn't quit anything. Even when I moved, but finally didn't start my master, nobody worried/talked to me about it. In therapy I was considered "normal", and it was good actually bc I could work a lot on my emotions and what I wanted, but I couldnt follow it. I didn't find a job so I decided to start another master bc I knew I could practically do it. Then after my master I just burned out.

Honestly, I am so tired of being responsable. Sometimes I just want to do nothing, for months. I just want to disappoint everybody being miserable. Stop worring about how I look, talk, behave. I am living with my boyfriend and not working for now. I feel useless and guilty. I feel like people see me as not using my potential. When I say I want to try working as a waitress nobody understands. Bc I have a master's degree. And when I try to explain my difficulties nobody takes it seriously. Actually me neither sometimes bc there's people in my family and outside having bigger problems. I feel distracted but I am not the most distracted. I feel like it's hard to organise things but if it's not me is nobody. When is one of my friends organising dinners or others I feel SO GRATEFUL. And actually feel bad and lazy at the same time. Even for therapy, I feel like people look at me and see no problems at all. And it's frustrating bc then I have moments of crisis and I just want to stop existing bc it's so tiring...

I hope someone understands this. Dont want practical tips just writing down my feelings/thoughts. Thanks for reading and eventually answering :)

What's empathy for you? I've always felt and considered as an high sensitive and empathetic person, but during my autism/adhd diagnosis' process I started asking myself if I am really empathetic in a traditional way. A friend told me I am more empathetic for things that I lived. Are people really capable of feeling the emotions of others without experimenting them before? I know I'm not always the best in anticipating others' needs but I don't know if is a "theory of mind"/double empathy problem or an executive functioning one (I find very difficult to think about future's problems in general, except when I get anxious and start ruminating).

I dont have a diagnosis yet, but I know my QI is 123 with 133 (visual-perceptive) and 106 (working memory) as extremes. In the beginning I recognized myself more in female autism, but now after a year of fixation on neurodivergences I have a lot of doubts and recognize myself more in 2e profile with adhd... I feel like other people see me as more autistic than adhd bc I'm logical and analytical? What's your experience?

How do you express your internal thoughts without feeling annoying/like a burden to people? Even with my family, boyfriend and friends, I have the feeling that there's a limited time to express my racing thoughts... It's normal, I bore myself too haha but at the same time I feel an intense need to let everything out, give it a form/sense. Writing things down helps, but I would like to share with someone genuinely interested and that could understand :/ Do you have a method to suggest me?

Is there anyone among you who can "function" without adhd medication ? What has been your experience ?

I had a burnout around 6-8 months ago (and probably still in), during my master's degree but after ​the end of my courses and mandatory internships. I "only" worked on my thesis during this time, but still can't do more than 2h of focus in a day. I should finish in one month and start a summer job... I found a good one, but I still feel so exhausted that I'm having a lot of anxiety and desperate crying sessions thinking about it. People from the outside, even if they know I'm in a bad period of my life, see my good results and my performance, and tell me "go for it ! Is a good opportunity!", thinking that would be helpful. Part of me thinks the same... But the other one is still SO TIRED and wants to disappear. I'm so scared and I feel so useless.