Need support. H affair w his Ex W
It’s only been a few weeks since I (38) found out my husband (44) has been sleeping with his ex wife for the past year and a half. We’d only been married a few months when it started. Something felt off with our marriage; like he suddenly had a brick wall around him that I couldn’t connect with him anymore despite trying endlessly. Plus something seemed seriously weird about their dynamic; they can’t stand each other and their marriage was incredibly toxic/she was abusive to him. I know from outside sources that she’s a warped human. I’ve never been with anyone who was divorced and shared a child w their ex so I didn’t know what was normal.
My nearly 4 y/o daughter has only ever known him as a father figure since she was 18 months. I adore my stepdaughter (16) and I know I might just be the only reliable parent figure she has right now.
The stress has been killing me mentally and now that I know the truth I’m bouncing between anger and pure depression. I found out about it when he needed help with storage on his phone… guess he didn’t realize everything was still in his icloud and I just stumbled right into photos/videos/texts. She sent unsolicited nude pics to begin with, started stalking him at the gym and basically waited for him to cave.
He confessed when I confronted him, has seemed sick with remorse since, found a marriage counselor and hasn’t blamed me once for his choices. Said he’s been feeling like the worst person alive because he’s never cheated on anyone before, can’t stand his ex wife as a person and knows I am everything he has ever prayed for and loves me. Said he’d tried NC with her on and off, told her to leave him alone but they have a child together and had to talk eventually and she’d start trying to sleep with him again. He acknowledges he made the *choice* though.
He’s agreed to find an individual therapist to try to figure out why he did this but has yet to follow through. He doesn’t want anyone to know about his actions. I agreed to *try* to reconcile … I’m trying to find myself an individual counselor.
I just can’t stop thinking about all the lies, the sneaking around and the “evidence” I saw has been playing in my head nonstop. I feel sick to my stomach 24/7.
He is my second husband, my first husband passed away after 17 years together. I thought this was my second chance at love… and I still love him despite it all and the idea of divorce makes my heart break even more. Financially I’d be ruined if I walked away; I’ve never been able to make as much as he does and I’m drowning in student loans. I can’t afford to leave even if I wanted to. My daughter would be inconsolable without him.
Does anyone suggest anything that can help me ease this pain? Books… sites, podcasts. I’ll try anything. Just some support so I don’t feel so alone. Thank you so much