u/shino_is_here

Hi! I don't really know what to say but I'll try anyway....

I’ve always felt like I acted like an 'other person' right before my periods. I noticed it months ago, remembering how hard it is for me to stay 'calm' during that time, with other difficulties like super sad, very tired (like sleeping a lot or sometimes not at all), suicidal thoughts (but without actually acting on them or self-harming, or well banging my head or breaking stuff ig), irritable, and it all changes very quickly.

The most complicated for me is keeping my friendships stable and working...

Anyway, one day I was feeling really really bad, and I went to see my high school nurse (because yeah, I’m in high school, maybe that’s important for what comes next?) and I told her everything I was feeling. Afterwards, she told me I might have this syndrome but since she wasn't a doctor she couldn't diagnose it.

That’s when my struggles started...

The first doctor (a man) I saw told me I was 'anxious-depressive.' He didn’t even take the time to take me seriously and just gave me a little pat on the back while talking to me about his teenage daughter for me to "relate" since she was moody or something. So after that, I saw a psychologist who clearly told me that no, I wasn’t anxious-depressive and that it was probably something else.

I go to see another doctor, explaining the situation, and she tells me to fill out a chart of every emotions I'm feeling during the week to see if I’m 'really not doing well' or something like that. I also did blood tests just in case she wanted to put me on the pill.

After doing all those tests, she gave me 'natural' medicines (tried 2 of them) that were supposed to help, except it didn't change anything. So, she decided it was better if I went to see a psychiatrist.

I went, but she told me it was an 'American invention' (I’m French, living in France) and that I was talking bullshit, while laughing in my face. I went back to see my doctor and she told me she didn't want to put me on anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants, so for the last time, I went to see a psychologist. And without much surprise, she also told me it didn't exist.

And right now I am very confused about myself, I'm becoming more and more sadder and anxious (not during the luteal phase). I literally cannot do any work without crying or self deprecating me which is affecting my grades but mostly my view on myself, and I am normally a very ambitious person.

So I don't know if I really have PMDD, if I'm exaggerating everything or even lying to myself or if I have something else completely.

I told my mom I’d see if I really wanted to get on antidepressants because all of this makes me doubt myself... AND, it scares me quite a bit.

I’d really like to know your opinion and your advice! :)

Edit : I will certainly delete this post tomorrow

I had a dream within a dream, except the second dream is one "I have almost every year"—though I honestly can't tell if I’m having it in real life or only within my "dream life." (Trust me...it's understandable 😭)

Basically, I’m in this massive room filled with endless books, like a library, where the same guy always appears in different situations. I can’t remember his face or our exact conversations, but I know we usually talk about who I am. In this "inner" dream, I was lucid and could move freely, so after arguing with my mother in the first layer of the dream, I "fell asleep" and woke up in that library. I had to retrieve sheet music: piano scores for some little goblin-like creatures and violin scores for a mummy (I do NOT play any instrument).

I searched until I found all but one, and when I went back to the guy, he told me it had been a long time since we talked and transformed into a boy around my age.

Every time, I ask him who I am or what I should do, or very dumb question and EVERY time, he tells me "You're about to wake up anyway so what's the point?".

I then "woke up" into the first dream crying and apologized to my mother; she said she knew because, in the dream, I had told her I was in heaven. I then had a massive panic attack in dream and ACTUALLY woke up IRL. To this day, I still don’t know if I actually have this dream every year or if I dreamt that it happens every year.

I am so confused! 💔💔

Edit: The weirdest thing is that I can CLEARLY remember the first layer of my dream but hardly the library part.