I finally left my toxic relationship!
Last year, I posted about wanting to leave my relationship. It took me another 7 months after that post to find courage to actually leave.
It's been a few months now and I'm finally able to see clarity. Looking back, the relationship was full of turmoil, constant ups and downs, and I was so exhausted that towards the last few years, I'd lost all my energy and joy in life.
He was not a bad person entirely, no one is. He's a flawed person just like me, it just so happens that he's avoidant and I'm anxious. That ended up hurting me a lot. I'm not sure if he would ever seek help, but I feel relieved that I don't have to worry about that anymore. My priority is to care for myself.
Still, I've had to grieve a lot, because he's given me "the most" love so far in my life. It was the first time I've ever felt a sense of family, and some form of normalcy. The relationship made me feel like I was a part of society - like I was married, and that meant someone chose me, just like a normal person !! My therapist said my ex just did the bare minimum, but it was ridiculous how much those little actions meant to me, from someone who grew up emotionally neglected. And how scary it was to leave that, because what if I never get that again?
I've had to grieve the fact that my parents gave me so little, that I was willing to settle for anything. They didn't teach my to honor my needs or my boundaries, and because of that, I ignored my intuition over and over. They made feeling "unsafe" normal, so I stayed because and it was probably my fault that I was feeling that way. Afterall, I felt that throughout my life!
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There are wins too. I feel so proud of myself for leaving. For a long time, I was too scared to leave, but once I did, I realised that I can take care of myself. Occasionally I still beat myself up for staying in that relationship for 10 years, but at least it's over. I have a chance to start fresh. I'm NC with my parents, and I'm single. Maybe in the past these things would've made me sad or lonely, but right now I feel free. It's the first time in my life that I feel this free, and I'm going to savor this moment.
Sharing this in case you've been in the same situation, going through it or thinking about it. You are strong, and you've got this.