r/CPTSDrelationships

I have been in a relationship with my partner (now 40s) since we were in high school. We started as friends and chatted frequently. I was not much desired by girls at the time, then I found a girlfriend-ish and my now wife scared her off and then confessed her love for me. We got together. Prior to this I was aware of her SA history. She was promiscuous from a young age and had more experience than me. She spent the next decade trying to figure her stuff out while I succeeded in college, went to professional school and started a career. She nearly failed out of school, changed majors and redefined her career plans. We were married and moved to a new city for my job and had 3 great years where she was doing yoga, getting her masters and had sorter out her sexual issues where we were having regular sex and she felt good about it. I felt like I had supported a good person. I went to couples therapy with her during this time around sex and our mismatched sex drive, I was patient with her when she was sick or run down or depleted; i provided the financial stability she took care of the house hold.

Then we had a kid.

She would need my help getting the kid ready in the morning when she wasn't working and I was off to work. She spent nearly two years at home and working on her masters while I generated all of our income, working nights and weekends. She was resentful because I had to work so much compared to our peers. I told her it was because she made much less money than my peers spouses but that was ok because I was happy to provide for her, she felt like I was weaponizing a financial imbalance. I felt like she was contributing to the relationship because she was thinking about childcare, clothes, daycare etc she felt like she was carrying all the emotional work.

Then we had another kid. And COVID happened.

My job got harder during COVID and I also received several promotions which allowed us to put away money for me to buy a home for a single family on a single income. It was possible only because of the decisions I made to take on work and projects that she resented me taking on because it was taking me out of the household. She was anxious about COVID "are we going to be ok, are the kids going to be ok, is it safe to take them to the park?" I told her I can't provide reassurance around this everynight and she needed to seek some support. She requested couples therapy. She spent the 3rd couples therapy session screaming at me about all the things I didn't do. I shut down and got mad at the therapist for not stepping in an mediating the session. I was so happy with where we were living and our life. She was not happy and we moved to a house that has been nothing but a nightmare into a community where i don't feel connected with a commute that makes it hard for me to go into work without her feeling like she is carrying all the emotional work of supporting the kids alone.

Then I had a friendship with another woman that she was resentful about.

I met a female colleague who I connected with. We got coffee daily, talked about life and work and kids. Shared sense of humor, shared interest in media and deeply supportive of each others career. We would text regularly. I would always tell my wife when I would attempt to spend time with this woman outside of work. I sent my wife a text "I'm going to get drinks is that ok?" Her response "if you have time to spend with this woman maybe you should try to make time for your wife". I spent years trying to go out with my wife, she didn't have a trusted babysitter, she didn't want to go out, she didn't want to go into the city it was too stressful. I was hoping that this friendship could bridge the gap of what I was missing from my life, fun and playful observations about life instead of stress and worry. Instead I was accused of having an emotional affair, all the texts that i had with that woman are saved on my wifes phone as evidence. None of them have anything to do with me leaving my wife or belittling my wife. I miss this friendship every day, I don't have many connections in my life that feel authentic, when I tell my wife she tells me it was an inappropriate relationship.

Then my brother in law was outed as a pedophile and killed himself.

And here we are at the end. My BiL was caught looking up underaged stuff at work and killed himself 2 days later. My family, in the fog of war, was trying to collect information for clarity because they knew I didn't like my BiL. They were waiting for the investigation before they told me anything, and honestly I get that in the spirit of innocence until proven guilty. They told me once he died. I found out that they hadn't told me for the first 48 hours with intent and I told my wife that in the spirit of being completely open with her about things. I regret this honestly as she completely spiraled throughout this whole process. She was despondent, tearful, thinking she let her children down by having a pedo so close to her children. I assured her that we were very careful with the children, she told me you never know what happened and even a few minutes he could have done something or AI'd our kids pictures onto something and they could be out in the dark web. Sure I guess anything is possible but what are we going to do about it, where are our shortcomings in this?

She has now been in EMDR since I was accused of the emotional affair 3 years ago. I feel her constantly being defensive with me. She is always trying to stand her ground because she feels I took advantage of her with my career, and my relationship with that woman. She cannot be around my family anymore unless she is on lots of ativan and it makes her nasty the next day so I no longer ask her to interact with them. She is focused on her own career and now I do most of the childcare, she feels like its finally even even though I make 10x as much as her and she still finds emotional work to complain about.

It honestly never felt like she loved me enough to be there for me to to do what I needed, just that she was working on it but not meeting my needs had to be good enough. The sex had to be good enough. The effort towards time together needed to be good enough. The career support while also resenting my career had to be good enough. That she still lets me and my kids interact with my family has to be good enough. I don't feel like its enough, and I feel like a bad person for not feeling like its enough. I'm tired. This is not a relationship I would have married into if this is how things were before we married, and now separating is really going to hurt my kids future financially because I can't afford to support our lifestyles. I am unhappy about everything in my life and I feel like its because she keeps pulling me into her world view around all of these things.

I have perspective around trauma, and what it is an how it impacts people but I need to figure out how to get my needs met with all of her baggage and I feel like I'm drowning.

I've been overthinking a lot about love lately, and I wanted to ask something. Are there people who have childhood trauma, anxiety, depression, etc., and have lost a huge portion of their memories because of it (like 70%+), but still went on to have a good relationship and married life?

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship and make your partner happy despite all of that?

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for about a year and a half. I love him, but his relationship with his family has become one of the biggest problems in our relationship, and I desperately need outside perspectives because I don’t know what is normal anymore.
When I first met him, he was living independently, and our relationship felt completely different. Eventually he moved back in with his parents and started working for his dad’s business, and since then it feels like his entire life revolves around his family. His work, money, schedule, living situation, and free time are all connected to them. There doesn’t seem to be much separation between “him” and “his family.”
His parents seem very involved in his decisions and his schedule, and it feels like plans between us are constantly dependent on what his family wants or needs. We’re currently long distance, so seeing each other already requires planning. There have been times where we’ve gone weeks or over a month without seeing each other, yet I still feel like creating independent time for our relationship is treated as secondary.
The relationship with his sister is another part that makes me extremely uncomfortable. They are VERY physically affectionate with each other, including cuddling and spooning. I understand siblings can be close and affectionate, but this goes beyond anything I’ve personally seen between adult siblings, and I have tried explaining that it makes me uncomfortable.
The worst incident happened on my birthday. I was already upset because he was cuddling/spooning with his sister. I tried waking him up, and during the situation he smacked me hard enough to give me a black eye. I know physical violence is a separate and serious issue, and I’m not trying to minimize that. It affected the way I see him and his family dynamic, and months later I still haven’t been able to fully get past what happened.
To his credit, his behavior toward me has improved significantly since then, and I have seen changes in him. That’s part of why I’m so conflicted. If everything were horrible all the time, this decision would probably be much easier.
But I still feel like I’m dating someone who hasn’t actually separated from his family as an adult. I don’t expect him to abandon them or stop being close to them. I actually think being close with your family can be a great thing. I just want normal adult boundaries and to feel like our relationship is capable of becoming its own unit.
I’m also starting to resent the situation because I don’t want my future to look like this. I don’t want to spend years waiting for him to become independent, move out, establish financial boundaries, and start making decisions without his family’s involvement.
I also want to acknowledge my own part because I don’t want this to be a completely one-sided post. I’ve handled some of these conflicts badly before. I’ve gotten extremely angry, said things I regret, and allowed my resentment toward his family to build instead of dealing with it productively. I’m working on my own behavior. But even when I remove my reactions from the equation, the underlying family dynamic is still there.
I guess what I’m trying to figure out is:
Is this actually family enmeshment, or am I interpreting a close family through my own discomfort?
For people who have dated or married someone from an enmeshed family, did your partner ever successfully establish boundaries while remaining close to their family?
And most importantly, how do you know when it’s worth waiting for someone to become more independent versus accepting that this is simply the family system you’re signing up for?
I love him, but I’m starting to realize that loving someone and being compatible with the life they currently have might be two different things. I really need outside perspectives.

Last year, I posted about wanting to leave my relationship. It took me another 7 months after that post to find courage to actually leave.

It's been a few months now and I'm finally able to see clarity. Looking back, the relationship was full of turmoil, constant ups and downs, and I was so exhausted that towards the last few years, I'd lost all my energy and joy in life.

He was not a bad person entirely, no one is. He's a flawed person just like me, it just so happens that he's avoidant and I'm anxious. That ended up hurting me a lot. I'm not sure if he would ever seek help, but I feel relieved that I don't have to worry about that anymore. My priority is to care for myself.

Still, I've had to grieve a lot, because he's given me "the most" love so far in my life. It was the first time I've ever felt a sense of family, and some form of normalcy. The relationship made me feel like I was a part of society - like I was married, and that meant someone chose me, just like a normal person !! My therapist said my ex just did the bare minimum, but it was ridiculous how much those little actions meant to me, from someone who grew up emotionally neglected. And how scary it was to leave that, because what if I never get that again?

I've had to grieve the fact that my parents gave me so little, that I was willing to settle for anything. They didn't teach my to honor my needs or my boundaries, and because of that, I ignored my intuition over and over. They made feeling "unsafe" normal, so I stayed because and it was probably my fault that I was feeling that way. Afterall, I felt that throughout my life!

--

There are wins too. I feel so proud of myself for leaving. For a long time, I was too scared to leave, but once I did, I realised that I can take care of myself. Occasionally I still beat myself up for staying in that relationship for 10 years, but at least it's over. I have a chance to start fresh. I'm NC with my parents, and I'm single. Maybe in the past these things would've made me sad or lonely, but right now I feel free. It's the first time in my life that I feel this free, and I'm going to savor this moment.

Sharing this in case you've been in the same situation, going through it or thinking about it. You are strong, and you've got this.

Of course not everything will be helpful for everybody, but what if there´s something that could change somebody´s life for the better ?

I´m specially curious about the things that you´ve struggled with for a longer time or for the ones that seemed almost impossible to fight .

Details are appreciated ! :)

Thanksss for sharing <3

I was with someone that had ADHD/RSD. This may be a little bit hardcore, but I’ve been doing a bit of “immersion” therapy myself in hopes to desensitize the triggers. I also read “No Bad Parts” and “What My Bones Know” along with therapy.

While it’s not our fault that we have CPTSD, it is our responsibility as adults to manage it and not put the burden on our partners. It took me leaving stressful/loving relationship to finally look at it for what it was and do the work. Therapy, reflection, meditation and all.

What I have found that has worked for me, is coaching myself in real time while triggered. It’s very difficult at first because your mind is conjuring up all of these assumptions and safety mechanisms. Eventually, the self talk becomes louder than the alarm system going off in your head, and you can actually hear yourself think rather than just act. I work in a male dominated field and the environment has helped me to quiet the assumptions in my mind. I’m not as hyper-vigilant as I was before and having my own office has helped a lot so that I can shut the door and self soothe for a few minutes when needed.

For me, taking it back to basics and getting out of the house and having other people in my life was important and I’ve only realized this since moving back to my home state that having other supports are important.

I don’t know how long it will take or if I’ll ever be “cured”. It’s unfortunate that my ex and I have broken up too many times that I can’t show up as a different person as I was before. I can’t really describe it other than that life feels a little bit more colorful now and I’m eager to show up a better version

I think that my part of the relationship ending was due to what I can only think of was mostly due to a lack of community and the friends I so needed then, but it is what it is now. For them to be my mirror and not only my boyfriend at the time. I can’t blame my ex for hating me now as the damage is done.

Just know that for those of us doing the work, there are people out there who will lovingly meet us where we’re at.

Hey guys,

My partner has some bad CPTSD, as well as many other mental health plus physical health related issues. Recently my partner went through a triggering day in an ER visit for her current physical stomach pain, the doctor didnt really listen and didntbhelp her with the pain. During the time we were waiting till we saw the doctor her anxiety got pretty bad, getting much worse after seeing the doctor and not being given any medication that could help her pain. She pretty much spiraled into a negative feedback loop of telling herself she didnt have any value and got into an extremely depressive episode for over 2 days, she shuts herself off and becomes upset, angry, self loathing, and unwilling to take her medication.

My question is, is this common amongst folks with cptsd? Honestly she wasnt feeling that great going into the hospital that day but after that trigger she definitely had a strong change in emotions, almost feels like I deal with another person when she goes through the traumatic event.

I feel pretty alone when it comes to dealing with someone with such intense emotions and kind of like confused almost? More like it feels like i cant relay this type of information to anyone since not.many people could understand this.

She does have medical PTSD and its gotten much worse because she's so ill so she basically has to retraumatize her self very often by constantly going back into to the hospital.

I'm in my early thirties and have or had been dating a guy who is almost fifty for about the last year.

Tonight I managed to get myself to leave out of his place.

I want to share some of my story with that as well as some questions that have been on my mind. It's my first time making a post so I'm a little scared to jump in and start, and a little flustered to know which direction to start out on.

If I start with this as my post, can others who read this provide some encouragement or approval towards me to go ahead and share more?

Am going off some stuff I learned from Pete Walker's book, CPTSD from surviving to thriving, here now. Starting out in relationally safe enough spaces.

Alright. Thanks for reading.