u/sick_sick_puppy

сould really use a virtual hug or some nice words right now...

i'm turning 23 and i can't stop crying writing this. my life is complete shit, especially my romantic life. this is a first relationship both for me and partner. we have been together for almost two years now, and honestly i only felt truly loved during the first 5 months or so. everything after that has been pure fucking hell because their mental health started deteriorating for no reason. we’re in a long-distance relationship, but i visit them every chance i get. the last time was six months ago. they stonewalled me for most of the time i was there, simply because they had no strength to talk. we both cried that time. then spring came and they just stopped texting me completely. even when I told them that my dermatologist suspected I had melanoma (i guess it was too much for their mental health so they kinda just blocked all thoughts about me completely). they ignored me for 4 months, then wrote asking for help with their academic assignment (i offered it previously). i helped them and then asked why they continued to ignore me even during the whole suspected melanoma situation. they didn't answer and ignored me for another month. they’ve been trying to push me away in all sorts of ways. i feel like they see themselves as a burden and think i’d be better off without them.

yesterday we finally talked a little and they told me they’re in deep depression and suicidal. i texted them two months ago telling them to go to a psychiatrist, but they’re only going now — they’ve always been slow about actually doing and changing something. feels like shit.

i feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers. i want to love and be loved. i want to kiss, go on dates, have sex. i feel so stupid and ashamed writing this, but in two years of relationship we’ve had sex only once and i didn’t even finish that one single time. and now they’re starting antidepressants... i feel so unloved and unwanted. i feel like we’ve been married for 40 years already and i’ve long since bored them. i try to push these thoughts away because it feels so selfish to think about this kind of stuff while your partner is so depressed. but i have diagnosed bpd, autism and depression too, and it’s not easy for me either. still, i always support them no matter what, and i just want to let myself be weak for one second.

people will say “just break up with them,” but that’s not fair. aren’t we supposed to stay with the people we love “in sickness and in health”? if i were in their place, i wouldn’t want to be thrown away like a broken toy. i try to treat them the way i would want to be treated. i love them, deeply, i loved people before, but never as much as much i love them. they're very special. i don’t want to break up. i want to help them get through this. i want a future with them. but at the same time i’m so scared that things will only get worse and i’ll waste my entire youth crying

i'm turning 23 and i can't stop crying writing this. my life is complete shit, especially my romantic life. this is a first relationship both for me and partner. we have been together for almost two years now, and honestly i only felt truly loved during the first 5 months or so. everything after that has been pure fucking hell because their mental health started deteriorating for no reason. we’re in a long-distance relationship, but i visit them every chance i get. the last time was six months ago. they stonewalled me for most of the time i was there, simply because they had no strength to talk. we both cried that time. then spring came and they just stopped texting me completely. even when I told them that my dermatologist suspected I had melanoma (i guess it was too much for their mental health so they kinda just blocked all thoughts about me completely). they ignored me for 4 months, then wrote asking for help with their academic assignment (i offered it previously). i helped them and then asked why they continued to ignore me even during the whole suspected melanoma situation. they didn't answer and ignored me for another month. they’ve been trying to push me away in all sorts of ways. i feel like they see themselves as a burden and think i’d be better off without them.

yesterday we finally talked a little and they told me they’re in deep depression and suicidal. i texted them two months ago telling them to go to a psychiatrist, but they’re only going now — they’ve always been slow about actually doing and changing something. feels like shit.

i feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers. i want to love and be loved. i want to kiss, go on dates, have sex. i feel so stupid and ashamed writing this, but in two years of relationship we’ve had sex only once and i didn’t even finish that one single time. and now they’re starting antidepressants... i feel so unloved and unwanted. i feel like we’ve been married for 40 years already and i’ve long since bored them. i try to push these thoughts away because it feels so selfish to think about this kind of stuff while your partner is so depressed. but i have diagnosed bpd, autism and depression too, and it’s not easy for me either. still, i always support them no matter what, and i just want to let myself be weak for one second.

people will say “just break up with them,” but that’s not fair. aren’t we supposed to stay with the people we love “in sickness and in health”? if i were in their place, i wouldn’t want to be thrown away like a broken toy. i try to treat them the way i would want to be treated. i love them, deeply, i loved people before, but never as much as much i love them. they're very special. i don’t want to break up. i want to help them get through this. i want a future with them. but at the same time i’m so scared that things will only get worse and i’ll waste my entire youth crying

I'm turning 23 and my life is complete shit. Especially my romantic life. We have been together for almost two years now, and honestly I only felt truly loved during the first 5 months or so. Everything after that has been pure fucking hell because their mental health started deteriorating for no reason.

We’re in a long-distance relationship, but I visit them every chance I get. The last time was six months ago. They stonewalled me for most of the time I was there, simply because they had no strength to talk. We both cried a lot. Then spring came and they just stopped texting me completely. They ignored me for 4 months, then wrote asking for help with their academic assignment. I helped, and then they ignored me for another month. They’ve been trying to push me away in all sorts of ways. I feel like they see themselves as a burden and think I’d be better off without them.

Yesterday we finally talked a little and they told me they’re in deep depression and suicidal. I texted them two months ago telling them to go to a psychiatrist, but they’re only going now — they’ve always been slow about actually doing and changing something. It feels like shit.

I feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers. I want to love and be loved. I want to kiss, go on dates, have sex. I feel so stupid and ashamed writing this, but in two years of relationship we’ve had sex only once and I didn’t even finish that one single time. Now they’re starting antidepressants, and then what? When’s the next time we’ll have sex — when we’re retired? I feel so unloved and unwanted. I feel like we’ve been married for 40 years already and I’ve long since bored them. I try to push these thoughts away because it feels so selfish to think about this kind of stuff while your partner is so depressed. But I have diagnosed BPD, autism and depression too, and it’s not easy for me either. Still, I always support them no matter what, and I just want to let myself be weak for one second.

People will say “just break up with them,” but that’s not fair. Aren’t we supposed to stay with the people we love “in sickness and in health”? If I were in their place, I wouldn’t want to be thrown away like a broken toy. I try to treat them the way I would want to be treated. I love them deeply. I loved people before, but never as much as I love them. They’re very special. I don’t want to break up. I want to help them get through this. I want a future with them. But at the same time I’m so scared that things will only get worse and I’ll waste my entire youth crying.

We’ve had problems before, but this is a whole new level. They ignored me for three months, blocked me a few times, and then last week asked for help with an academic assignment. And of course I helped them.

There’s no point in thinking about whether it's unfair to me or not, whether their behavior is toxic or not, whether I should make excuses for them because of their mental state, or whether I need to break up. Whether I should swallow my resentment and be understanding, or finally do what's "right". Recently I realized: they can do anything to me, any awful thing, and I’ll still stay. Because I love them. Specifically them. No one else.

My whole life I’ve walked away from people who treated me badly. With them I can’t. This relationship is hell, but if they’re walking into the fire, I’ll follow – hurt, angry, and in pain – but I’ll follow them anyway. It's not right at all, but that's it. They’re the only one I want.