u/skdfdfsk

I’m currently remembering some bad memories related to a potential new abuser. He was a neighbor and had a daughter my age I hung out with. I don’t know my exact age but I think I was 9-10 years old (older than the other abuse I experienced starting at 7)

Anyway I’m still in the phase where I’m REALLY doubting myself. In this piece of my history I would have been more aware of what was happening and old enough to feel a lot of shame after. I remember walking home from his house thinking to myself “I have to forget this ever happened”

If it is real, guess it worked because I’m in my early 20s now and just remembering now.

I would appreciate any comments.

To preface my therapist is taking things slow, she has been nothing but kind and patient. We’re still in phase 2 resourcing and have been for a few months.

My issue is that the more I have to talk about my self, my feelings, and my goals… the more I completely shut down. I go from averagely conversational at the beginning of the session to near non verbal by end. Lots of “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure.” I’m sure in a non-therapeutic context my behavior would come off as stone walling. It’s not my intention to be so blatantly disengaged, but once I hit a emotional threshold I just shut down and can barely get the words outs. I’ve slightly gotten better lessening my disassociation in sessions but it seems the result is an overwhelming uncomfortableness that I can’t break through.

I know I shouldn’t be this embarrassed but it’s causing a lot of shame when I finish the session. Does anyone have experience with this?