u/sleepygirl2997

Last night, I took a shower. Put on sexy pajamas. Things start to heat up then he says he’s not feeling it. I go have some time to myself after a while & i just started crying. The reality of being in a marriage where you are never the one being pursued just hurts so bad. I have spent my entire early 20s begging this man to want me & be intimate with me…. That is so wild. 7 years. It is impossible not to reminisce on how good it felt to be pursued when I was single. It is so daunting to know that this is the rest of my life. If he didn’t want me at 19 & doesn’t want me at 26… it seems obvious things aren’t going to turn around as I get older. I am so tired of googling “how to look more like a porn star” and “how to make my husband want me.” I am so tired of exercising & shaving my legs & getting dressed up just to be told maybe tomorrow. I have never rejected him one single time. It is so hard. I just want to be wanted. I am so humiliated, defeated, & frustrated. Any advice, commiseration, encouragement, etc is welcome. I just feel so alone & weird. Why can’t i be like my low libido friends whose husbands will do anything for some sexual attention? Why can’t I be desired like the girls on his screen? It just sucks so bad

In every season of life, my husband has sexually neglected me to take part in porn. He has made it clear for 7 years that he prefers the variety, simplicity, and comfort that porn brings. Why can’t he just accept that? Why can’t he just be honest & clear that he is not a monogamous man? Why does he make a million promises to get help, make changes, etc…?
Why can this man not look me in the face & admit “i do not choose you. I choose porn.” ?
Why does he want to “fight for our marriage” when he has wasted my early 20s already? Why does he want to force himself to want me when he just…. Doesn’t? Why cant they just be honest and deal with the fallout?

It was one thing when I blamed myself for his low libido & preference to watch porn rather than have sex. It was one thing when I was pregnant or breastfeeding & I knew my body changed. It is a whole new thing now that I know I am attractive. I know it's not me. I know I am desirable. I know plenty of husbands would love to have a wife who wants to have sex all the time. So how do I make sense of that gap? I am in a marriage where I will never be pursued like I want. I am in a marriage that I thought would be fully monogamous, but it's not. I am in a marriage where naked girls on Twitter take priority over the woman who has built her whole life around loving you & caring for your family. I thought the whole lady in the streets, freak in the sheets thing was desirable. I thought a man would be so thankful to have a "slutty" wife who is down to do anything to please. How on earth is what I thought would be a desirable trait the thing that brings the most contention & pain?
Half of me wants to appeal to the male gaze in every way. Constantly get fitter & hotter & gain some satisfaction that way.
The other half of me wants to totally give up on appearing to the male gaze. Stop shaving. Stop trying to be hot or sexy or agreeable or fun.
It's just so hard to make peace with my current reality. Any other HL ladies who know they aren't gonna leave & are struggling to make sense of what that means going forward? How can I stay in this relationship while having no outlet for such a big part of myself? Do I just need to become a gooner like him??? I am so frustrated lol

This is who he is. I love him. He loves porn. He loves me, too, in some sweet, passing way. He loves when I cook and clean and raise his kids and do everything I can to make his life easier. He loves knowing he has a loyal spouse. Do I just give up & get over it? I love him & our life too much to ever leave. Do I just de stigmatize it, accept him, & grieve the love I hoped for? How can i protect myself or prioritize myself here?