u/smashedmelonz

I probably wont get any responses but ill just throw this out there because why the hell not. 

okay i will dumb this down a LOT. so basically my younger brother has severe autism/learning disabilities. he can speak but he’s considered nonverbal because he cant actually form a sentence thats coherent. he needs help washing, eating, going to school etc. 

so heres the thing. when he has a meltdown (which is often and can happen because of literally nothing) he gets violent and aggressive. one of the things he does and has always done is bashing his head against walls. 

now im very aware that you cant diagnose cte until someone is dead and im also aware he literally can’t communicate if he has something like this. but when i learnt about cte more i started thinking that maybe he might have this. im just worried. hes always been violent and know hes growing and getting stronger. i know cte can make you paranoid and have violent outbursts. but im worried that he is going to get worse. 

ive always lived in a hostile environment but i get to leave in a year and 6 months. my other younger brother doesnt get to. what will happen when he gets MORE violent? my parents and the disability support team isnt going to assume cte, thats for sure. what if he kills somebody? thats something thats been running through my head. 

all i want to do know is if this is possible or likely. thats it. 

im nearing 2 months on T, which i am fully and very aware is not that long. especially because i am on gel. i am getting changes but ones i dont really care about lol

for the past month ive been having random spouts of anxiety, i havent felt like this since 2 years ago when the tiniest trigger would make me do mental gymnastics all day. ive been dissociating sometimes. I still don’t wear the clothes i actually want to wear and i have little to no motivation to do most of the shit i want to. on a good day i get depressed sometimes at the fact i cant do anything, on a bad day my brain is full of What if questions that make me feel sick. 

may felt so, so long. it was a struggle to get through. and during one anxious episode i was trying to tell myself that we just needed to wait a little longer. then i said to myself “ive been waiting for 3 years just to be happy”

I cant do the waiting. i cant. yesterday i had my worst anxiety attack yet and today i woke up crying and shaking. But i dont even really know when the last year i had that was truly good. maybe 5 years ago, or 7. i dunno. this is too much for a 16 year old, especially one who realised last month that i might have childhood dissociative amnesia. Everyone i see who starts T is like they second they start taking it its sunshine and rainbows and everythings amazing and great. but im just the same as before, its just now im even more scared and terrified of everything. 

i just want to be happy. is that so bad? will this pass? what do i even do?